Style Invitational Week 1327: Mess with our (or anyone’s) heads

Plus ‘Orgy and Bess’ and other winning shortened movie titles

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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April 11

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning shortened movie titles)

/Real headline from ad: *0% Interest for 5 Years* /
/Bank head:/ Dad Still Makes Family Take Annual Road Tour of Historical

*The Meat Industry Is at a Tipping Point*
Stop Playing Pranks on the Cows, Stockyards Order Employees

*Prosecutor Defends Dropping Charge*
DA’s toddler grandson ‘just the wiggliest thing,’ falls off during
piggyback ride

As long as we have headlines, we’ll have Mess With Our Heads, our
perennial “bank head” contest. You’ll have 12 days’ worth of headlines
to use — and you can use the heads from any print or online publication
that are published in that period. *This week: Reinterpret (or comment
wryly on) a headline (or a big part of a headline) by writing a bank
head, or subtitle, * as in the examples above, which play on recent
headlines in The Post. The headlines may be from The Post or another
publication, print or online, dated April 11-22, 2019. Please give the
source and date for the headline so the Empress can verify it.

Submit entries at *
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy.

Second place receives a special custom-made item for right-thinking
baseball fans everywhere: It’s a nice big *“Barves” T-shirt *— as in
plural of “barf” — mocking the Atlanta Braves and their pukily offensive
“Tomahawk Chop” and other mortifying references to Native Americans.
Donated by Loser John Kupiec, who a few years ago donated some “Barves

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, April 22; * results
published May 12 in print, May 9 online. See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
“Movie Violations” is by Jon Gearhart; Danielle Nowlin and Jesse
Frankovich both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style
Invitational Devotees on Facebook at
. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day at ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

**The Style *Conversational: *The Empress's weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of
results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it
out at .

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


**In *Week 1323* we asked you to chop one or
more letters off the beginning and/or end of a movie title, then
describe the resulting movie. Among the thousands of entries — the
Empress might have set a coffee consumption record — *REAR WIND*[ow]
generated 39 fart jokes, [J]*AWS* a dozen entries about cute baby sharks.

4th place:

*DUDE, WHERE’S MY CA*[r?]: A couple of stoners wake up the morning after
the Big One hits the West Coast. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

Braves anti-fan Nancy Kupiec models this week's second prize, donated by
her husband. (John Kupiec)
3rd place:

[P]*ORGY AND BESS:* The never-before-told story of Mrs. Truman’s wild
years in the White House (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

2nd place and the 'Walter the Farting Dog' promotional toilet paper:

[Ba]*CK TO THE FUTURE:* Louis builds a time machine to go forward a
whole generation, but it’s still too soon to hear his jokes again.
(Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

[The L]*EGO MOVIE 2: *Slated to open Jan. 20, 2021, but cancellation is
highly possible. (David Peckarsky, Tucson)

[Bla]ZING SAD[dles]: Honorable mentions

*A BOY AND HIS D*[og]: A New York “fixer” threatens a military academy
with destruction if it releases the transcript of a long-ago graduate.
(Seth Tucker, Washington)

[A]*LIENS:* When the mortgage company is on your trail, the only place
you can run is outer space . . . or is it? (Lee Graham, Derwood, Md.)

[A]*MADEUS:* Tyler Perry playsa zany lady
who’s jealous
of her musically gifted, and even zanier, twin brother. (Greg Dobbins,
Boynton Beach, Fla.)

[B]*LACK PANTHER:* After a last-minute discovery, N’oah must turn the
ark around. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

[O]*LIVER!:* Please, sir, I want less. (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, Va.;
Michelle Gluck, Bethesda, Md.)

[Cr]*OUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DR*[agon]: A zoo vet lurks in the jungle to
help ailing predators. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

[G]*ROUNDHOG DA*[y]*:* After repeated questioning, a spy finally
divulges Trump’s Russian code name. (Frank Osen)

[B]*ATMAN: *An origin story about Raymond Tomlinson, the inventor of
email. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn. Va.)

BO*[mb]: A Washington commuter comes to grips with the reality of riding
the Metro. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

*FRIED GREEN TOM*[atoes]: Hannibal Lecter opens a restaurant in a
Southern town. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

[R]*AIDERS OF THE LOST A*[rk]: Wealthy parents will stop at nothing to
snag a coveted grade for their offspring. Upcoming sequel: *MILLION
DOLLAR BA*[by]. (David Peckarsky; Karen Van Buren, Los Altos, Calif.;
Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

[C]*LICK:* An Adam Sandler movie that doesn’t quite suck — but comes
awfully close. (Jerome Uher)

[T]*ANGLED:* Rapunzel is trapped in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. (Sam
Mertens, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)

*JURASSIC PAR*[k]: A year on the PGA senior tour. (Bird Waring,
Larchmont, N.Y.)

[LI]*FE IS BEAUTIFUL*: An athlete is propelled to success with the magic
of iron supplements. (Mike McCumber, Gambrills, Md., a First Offender)

[A]*POLLO 13:* A Peruvian chicken joint acquires Colonel Sanders’s
original recipe, but disaster strikes after it adds two more herbs and
spices. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

[na]*SHVILLE: *Ten varied characters spend a morning at a strictly run
Tennessee library. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*THE THIEF OF BAG*[dad]: Who keeps stealing lunches from the office
fridge? (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.)

*FAHRENHEIT 45*[1]: America’s dystopian future is now! (Chris Doyle)

[Mu]*TINY ON THE BOUNTY:* The story of a courageous leader who brings
aid — rolls of it — to a disaster-struck island. (David Peckarsky)

*MY FAIR LAD*[y]: Henry Higgins sings, “Why can’t a woman be more like a
man?” — then finds the real thing. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

[Off]*ICE SPACE:* Workers are frustrated when their boss keeps the AC
set to 59 year-round. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

[Off]*ICE SPACE:* Bad: Life in a cubicle. Worse: Life in a cage. (Ben
Aronin, Washington)

*BAM*[bi]: The heroine is killed by a hunter with a bazooka. Running
time: 11 minutes. (George Smith, Frederick, Md.; Gillian Smith,
Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)

*BAM*[bi]: Documentary showing Emeril Lagasse making a Creole venison
and rabbit stew. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

*MY BLUE HEAVE*[n]: A man upchucks after taking too many Viagra pills.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

[Star Wars: The Phan]*TOM MENACE:* The adventures of Dennis’s
mischievous great-great-great-great-grandson. (Edward Gordon, Austin)

[S]*TAR WARS: *Cigarette companies battle the nicotine overlord Darth
Vaper. (Donna Roscoe, Olney, Md., a First Offender)

*A HARD DAY’S NI*[ght]: The Beatles team up with the Monty Python gang
in a madcap search for a shrubbery. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

[A]*LICE IN WONDERLAND*: A little girl regrets sharing a fedora with the
Mad Hatter. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

[Trea]*SURE IS*[land]: Billy Bones directly answers the question “Is
that where you buried your loot?” (Danielle Nowlin)

[The] *TEXAS CHAINSAW MASS*[acre]: Tired of parishioners dozing in the
pews, a priest in Dallas decides to rev up the service. (William
Pifer-Foote, Carmichael, Calif.)

[Juras]*SIC WORLD:* The life of a copy editor tasked with reviewing
Donald Trump’s quotes. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

*SLEEPLESS IN SEAT*[tle]: After missing his midnight connecting flight
to O’Hare, a traveler hunkers down in the waiting area between One
Direction and a Girl Scout troop. (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio)

[Pey]*TON PLACE: *Sumo wrestlers gather to eat a few kilos of noodles
and dish some post-match gossip. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.)

Dja]*NGO UNCHAINED:* The Mercy Corps . . . goes to war. (David Peckarsky)

/And Last: /[The P]*INK PANT*[her]: A bunch of losers wait breathlessly
to see whether a newspaper will print their lame jokes. (Jon Ketzner,
Cumberland, Md.)

*Two contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, April 15: *

*— Week 1325, jokes for the White House Correspondents’ Association
Dinner. See . *

*— Week 1326, our annual horse name “breeding” contest. See *

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