Style Invitational Week 1326: Foaling Around — our most popular contest

‘Breed’ 2 horse names and name the foal. Plus winningly bad ideas
for inventions.

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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April 4

(Click here to skip down <#report> for the winning problematic inventions)

*Country House x Mantra = No Place Like Om*

*Cutting Humor x Dull Knife = ZZZZinger*

*Much Better x Improbable = 2020?*

Hi yo, silver (to mix equine metaphors): It’s the 25th annual Style
Invitational foal-naming contest, almost always the most popular of the
year. While the Kentucky Derby accepts only 20 entrants to run on the
Churchill Downs track, the Empress will probably be judging about 4,000
horse names (and printing about 50).

At the bottom of this column is a list of 100 of the nearly 400

nominated for this year’s Triple Crown races: the Derby, Preakness and
Belmont; your job is to *“breed” any two names and name the “foal” to
reflect both names,* as in the examples above. (It makes no difference
that there are only two fillies on the list — go, Cairo Cutie and
Jaywalker! — and that some are geldings.) As in actual thoroughbred
racing,*a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces,* but one
or more of the characters may be punctuation marks or numerals. You may
run words together to stay within the length limit, but the name should
be easy to read.

*Super-important for the Empress’s sanity! *Make sure you (a) *spell the
original horse names correctly *in your entry, and (b) *use the “Name A
x Name B = Foal Name” format *as shown in the examples, so that the
thousands of entries will be properly sorted. As always, you may send as
many as 25 entries; don’t number them, please (sorting issues again).
And don’t bother to suggest Name A x Name B = Third Name on the List; it
won’t get ink.

Submit entries at *
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy.

Second place receives a *Double Your Glovin’ Two-Pack: *First, a pair of
*Handerpants,* which are very thin fingerless cotton gloves in a
tighty-whitey motif, complete with fly (for what, a knuckle?). But also
*DishPlay After Dinner Theater, *which comprises a pair of yellow
dishwashing gloves with little faces drawn at the thumb-forefinger
nexus, an angry-looking mustachioed one on the left hand and a
lipsticked lady on the right. “The more you work, the more animated they
become, and their snappy rubber repartee will turn chore time into fun
time!” I hope the Fred brand doesn’t branch out into proctology gloves.
The Handerpants were donated by Dave Prevar, the DishPlay by Loser Patty

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, April 15 * (isn’t it
for everything?); results published on Derby weekend: May 5 in print,
May 2 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at . The headline “Har-Brained
Ideas” is by Jesse Frankovich; Duncan Stevens wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on
Facebook at . “Like” Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at
; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

**The Style *Conversational: *The Empress's weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of
results. Especially if you plan to enter this week, check it out at .

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


In *Week 1322 * we asked you to think up some
inventions that still had a bit of a bug . . .

4th place:

*Michael Jackson Cuddle Pillows. *“He’ll be there to comfort you . . .”
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Whole lotta glove: This week's second prize includes both fingerless
Handerpants and the dramatic latex AfterDinner Theater.
3rd place:

*The Swiss Army Gardener:* A handy, foldable multi-tool combining a
shovel, rake, hoe, hacksaw, pitchfork, pruning shears and posthole
digger. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

2nd place

and the‘hand-clapping’ fly swatter

*The next James Bond movie * *chase *scene, conducted by driverless
taxis. (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Braille alphabet soup.* (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

You-reek-a: Honorable mentions

*Individually wrapped potato chips *for all those times when you want to
eat just one. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

*A security feature on ATMs* that asks loudly, “YOU ENTERED 7732 FOR
YOUR PIN. IS THAT CORRECT?” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The *Decade at a Glance* Calendar. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.)

*Corporate voice mail *that works only if the caller is calm and polite.
“I won’t transfer you to one of our associates until you apologize for
shouting.” (Martin Bancroft, Bellevue, Wash.)

A *device that provides soothing relief *to aching joints by gently
warming the hand with flowing water
you’re sleeping. (Jeff Contompasis)

An *“I Haven’t Voted Yet” sticker *to help you vote twice. (Jesse

In case of an electrical outage, power your *BreatheEZ oxygen pump* by
jogging briskly on the attached treadmill. (Noah Meyerson, Washington)

*Spanx burqas*. Fittingly modest. (Kevin Dopart)

Remove /all/ the wax from your ears with the *Q-Tip Drill Bit.* (Todd
DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

A*tic-tac-toe book for Mensa members.* (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)

Dorian Green: A *miraculous tree food* that keeps oak and maple leaves a
bright and healthy green color until the moment they fall off the tree.
(John Greenlees, Burke, Va., a First Offender)

The end of that frustration of opening toys: Molded *plastic packaging
with a built-in razor knife *for easier opening. (John Hutchins, Silver
Spring, Md.)

Fly Byes: Men’s *pants zippers that automatically close* after the
17-second Standard Urination Interval. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

A *bathroom scale that automatically shares the results* to Twitter and
Facebook. (Duncan Stevens)

The*two-way nanny cam*, for babysitters who need to know what /you’re/
up to! (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

An*invisible fence for defense against burglars.* Complete with several
shock collars for putting on potential home invaders. (Roy Ashley,

** A dating site where the two of you can find each
other. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

*Pop-up sympathy cards. *(Mark Calandra)

*The Tooth Fairy Savings Bond: *Imagine that delighted little gaptoothed
smile in the morning! (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

*Pocket Mucus Sucker: * This battery-powered vacuum draws snot from your
nose through plastic tubes into a receptacle in your pocket. (Rob Cohen,
Potomac, Md.)

A *36-inch-wide, 12-inch-deep rearview mirror *that completely
eliminates blind spots behind a car. (John Hutchins)

*The Penny Dispenser : *Put in a dollar and it will return 100 pennies.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*A salt-and-sugar shaker set.* (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

An *inline wheelchair.* (Jesse Frankovich)

A *hydroelectric vehicle* that could be charged simply by placing the
attached water wheel into a nearby stream. (Jeff Contompasis)

*Saran Rat: *A trap that swaddles rodents in clear plastic film.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

*Autonomously operated bumper cars:* Enhanced with accident-avoidance
sensors and software. (Mark Raffman)

*Monsanto’s new hybrid vehicles *perform better than all competitors,
but you have to buy new ones every year.
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

*A comb with a fold-out fork*

built into the handle. — A. Klobuchar (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills,
N.Y.; Jeff Contompasis)

*Let’s set up a platform *on the Internet where everybody can publish
any idea at any time for all to see with no editing. That way we can all
be friends! (Ellis Burruss, Brunswick, Md., a First Offender)

*Still running — deadline also Monday, April 15: our contest for jokes
for the White House correspondents’ dinner. See *

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with links to the columns.

*/The 100 Triple Crown nominees we’ll be using for Week 1326: / *

*Admire *
*And Seek*
*Blue Steel*
*Bourbon War *
*By My Standards*
*Cairo Cutie*
*Castle Casanova*
*Code of Honor *
*Comical Ghost*
*Country House *
*Cutting Humor*
*Daring Disguise*
*Don Vito Corleone*
*Dream Maker *
*Dull Knife*
*Easy Shot*
*Family Biz*
*Federal Case*
*Final Jeopardy*
*Frolic More*
*Galilean *
*Game Winner*
*Go Away*
*Gray Magician*
*Great Sense*
*Haikal *
*Harvey Wallbanger*
*He’s Smokin Hot*
*Hidden Scroll*
*Hold Your Tickets*
*Instagrand *
*Jeans n’ Boots*
*Kingly *
*Last Judgment*
*Long Range Toddy*
*Master Fencer*
*Maximum Security*
*Mercy Rule*
*Midnight Curfew*
*Mind Control *
*More Ice*
*Mr Mike *
*Mr. Money*
*Much Better*
*Mucho Gusto*
*My Legacy*
*Nitrous *
*No Rules*
*Olympic Runner*
*Omaha Beach*
*One Bad Boy*
*Plug and Play*
*Plus Que Parfait*
*Roadster *
*Royal Meeting*
*Sergei Prokofiev*
*Shootin the Breeze*
*Sir Winston*
*So Alive *
*Time Is Now*
*Trophy Chaser*
*Van Beethoven*
*War of Will*
*Well Defined *
*Wicked Indeed*
*Win Win Win*