Style Invitational Week 1316: Lies, damn lies, with statistics — a
fake-trivia contest

Tell us humorous ‘facts’ using bogus figures. Plus winning Tour de
Fours neologisms.l

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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January 24

(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s winning neologisms)

*Although the Chinese outnumber us 4 to 1, Americans have a greater
combined weight.* (Joseph Romm, winner of Week 702, 2007)

*Manure collected from stalls at Churchill Downs has been proved to
increase lawn growth by 153 percent vs. regular horse poo. *(Dave
Komornik, Week 1057, 2014)

*In a study of 67 athletes who said they gave 110 percent, it was found
that they actually gave an average of only 93.2 percent. *(Art Grinath,
Week 1057)

*When fully inflated, an adult Shar-Pei can reach up to seven feet in
circumference. *(David Schwartz, Week 1289, 2018)

As 92 percent of politicians can tell you, lots of otherwise sensible
people will believe anything when a few “statistics” are flung into the
argument; some folks are so intimidated by numbers that they just turn
off their brains and nod passively at the most patently ridiculous
figures since Barbie’s.

The Greater Loser Community has made hay from this phenomenon — 762.4
bales of it since 1993 — in various jokes over the years, especially in
our bogus-trivia contests. So let’s go all digital at once: *This week:
Tell us some bogus trivia using “statistics” or some bogus quantitative
measure, *as in the examples above from earlier fictoid contests.

Submit entries at *
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the absolutely
finest *papier-mache rattle/maraca in the shape of a lime green frog
wearing a bikini and covered in polka dots *that you will /ever/ see.
Brought back directly from Cuba by Loser Ellen Goldlust.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 4; *results
published Feb. 24 (online Thursday, Feb. 21). See general contest rules
and guidelines at . The
headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; Beverley Sharp wrote
the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on
Facebook at . “Like” Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at
; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

**The Style *Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of
results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*FaR-OUT wit: T-O-U-R neologisms*

*Week 1312 * was one of our annual Tour de
Fours neologism contests; this year, the four-letter block to include in
a word or phrase was . . . TOUR, in any order but with no other letters
between them.

4th place:

T*utor*rid: Hot for teacher. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

She's easy being green: A Cuban rattle, this week's 2nd prize. (Pat
Myers/The Washington Post)
3rd place:

Manaf*ortu*ne cookie: “This isn’t the last sentence you’ll get. Lucky
numbers: 15 to 30.” (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

2nd place

and the Mr. Turdy molding toy
*Trou*bleshouting: “YES, I HAVE ALREADY REBOOTED MY COMPUTER!!!” (Duncan
Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

Bi*t o' Ur*anus: Candy that did not sell as well as the Mars Bar. (Mark
Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Marginal-mastery TOUR: Honorable mentions

*Heel of Fortune:* Yet another reality show in which a bunch of rich
twits compete to see who is the most contemptible. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Looturgy: *The spiel that televangelists use to fleece their flocks.
“Joel Osteen’s looturgy is so good, his parishioners throw their money
at him before he’s gotten to the first hallelujah” (Lynne Larkin, Vero
Beach, Fla.)

*#MeTourism:* Guided excursions to NBC headquarters, Fox headquarters,
CBS headquarters . . . (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*Rotunderpants: *“Relaxed-fit” drawers for wearing after the holidays.
(Jesse Frankovich)

*Autoritarian:* A persnickety, bossy driver. “Laying doctor’s-table
paper over his SUV seats was bad enough, but then Stan asked the carpool
to wear those blue protective slippers . . .”
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*Attourniquet:* A lawyer who really puts the squeeze on a witness. (Jon
Gearhart, Des Moines)

*Detouronomy: *This book of the Bible explains how Moses took a wrong
turn when leading the Israelites to the Promised Land, causing a 40-year
delay. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

*EUrotica:* “Instinctively, Theresa pulled away from the European.
Clearly the European had no interest in pursuing her anyway. Both seemed
to realize this was the worst porn story ever.” (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)

*Altruotomy:* Cutting the charitable deduction from the tax code. (Mark

*Fortune nookie:* What a rich guy can get even if he resembles a
mushroom. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Ampututor: *What every professor was in Civil War-era medical schools.
(Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.)

*Foxtrot Uniform
The official NATO response to Trump. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Et tu, Robin?* Batman’s last words before his attack by the Boy Wonder
at a Gotham City Council meeting. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

*A-trou-cious:* What above-the-ankle pants are. (Dan Helming)

*BotRus BotRus Ghali:* Putin’s new U.N. ambassador. (Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)

*Distributor Cap:* A Washington hockey player with a lot of assists.
(Jesse Frankovich)

*Dontourage:* All the president’s men. (Jeff Contompasis)

*Tortuoso:* An extremely bad musician. “Timmy proved himself a true
tortuoso at the violin recital with his rendition of ‘Lightly Row.’ ”
(Frank Osen)

*Fartuoso:* A master at playing the wind instrument. (William Kennard,

*Full discloture:* A successful filibuster. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*Go Ruth! *Slogan on many signs at the Women’s March. Insert a comma for
the conservative version. (Duncan Stevens)

*Echotourism: *Going wherever everybody else goes on vacation. (Tom Witte)

*“Got Russians?”:* Mueller team slogan. (Mark Raffman)

*Microtrump:* A unit of size, as in “My 5-year-old needs gloves. Do you
carry these in microtrump?” (Laura Clairmont, Ashburn, Va.)

*Torus trap:* A Krispy Kreme store. (Mike Gips)

*Heart-out:* What Mitt Romney eats for breakfast every day I sit in the
White House — D.J.T., Washington (Mark Raffman)

*“I Get Round”: *A song that Brian Wilson wrote a few years later.
(Duncan Stevens)

*Nanotruth:* The largest particle of verity detected in a Sarah Sanders
press briefing. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

*Routhouse: *FedEx Field. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

*Trotuous: *Giving you a bad case of the runs. (Jeff Contompasis)

*Troubadorks:* The Losers who sing the parodies at the Style
Invitational party. (Mark Raffman)

*Blot rush:* The feeling of intense satisfaction that Losers experience
when they get ink. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Auto-reject:* Crude tool that the Empress presumably uses for
efficiency. I mean, what other explanation is there for my awesome entry
not getting ink last week? (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 28: Our backward-crossword
contest. See . *