Style Invitational Week 1314: Bill Us Now — our ‘joint legislation’

Plus more gems from recent Invites ... neologisms, parodies, the
whole schmear

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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January 10

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the inking entries from Part 2 of
our retrospective contest)

*— The Allred-Rose-Rosen-Rose Act to forbid messing with the color
scheme on “The Bachelor” *

*— The Pappas-Levin-Wright Act to Get Dad a Beer, Will You? *

*— The Baird-Johnson-Sinema Declaration That a Porn Entry This Obvious
Will Not Get You Ink *

However much this new 116th Congress is really going to accomplish —
insert your degree of optimism/pessimism here — we can already declare
that it will be a fabulously productive one for our beloved (and
occasionally behated) “joint legislation” contest: Not only do we have
far more House and Senate freshmen to work with — last year, there were
so few new members that the Empress ended up drafting local incumbents
to flesh out her list — but also, wow, look at all those names that can
be used as words!

*This week:* *Combine two or more names from the list below of the new
members of Congress to “co-sponsor”a bill based on their combined last
names, and state its purpose,* as in the examples above. We’re just
playing with their names, not referring to the politics of the actual
people behind them. Note the pronouncers next to some of the names; the
Empress personally confirmed them by watching many horrible campaign
commercials on YouTube in which the candidate approved the suspiciously
similar R or D message.

As always, the E will accept a small but clear (to her) stretch of
pronunciation; the 2017 winner was “the *Dunn-Taylor-Yoder-King* bill
requiring truth in online dating profiles” — as in “don’t tell her yo’
da king.”

If you think that there’s a chance the Empress won’t get your entry, you
may follow it with a translation, but do it on a separate line so she
can try without it.

The new members (since 2017):
Allred; Armstrong; Axne (pronounced “Ax-knee”); Baird; Blackburn; Braun
(brawn); Brindisi (brin-DIS-sy); Burchett (BURCH-ett); Case; Casten;
Cisneros; Cline; Cox; Craig; Cramer; Crenshaw; Crow; Cunningham; Davids;
Dean; Delgado (del-goddo); Escobar; Finkenauer (rhymes with “power”);
Fletcher; Fulcher (rhymes with “vulture”); Garcia; Garcia; Golden;
Gonzalez; Gooden; Green; Guest; Haaland (Holland); Hagedorn
(HAY-gedorn); Harder; Hawley; Hayes; Hern; Hill; Horn; Horsford;
Houlahan; Hyde-Smith; Johnson; Joyce; Kim; Kirkpatrick; Lamb; Lee;
Levin; Levin (both “levven”); Luria (LUR-ia); Malinowski; McAdams;
McBath; McSally; Meuser (like “amuser”); Miller; Morelle (mo-REL-ly);
Mucarsel-Powell; Neguse (ne-GOOSE); Ocasio-Cortez (o-CAH-zio-cor-tez);
Omar; Pappas; Pence; Phillips; Porter; Pressley; Reschenthaler
(RESH-en-thah-ler); Riggleman; Romney; Rose; Rose; Rosen; Rouda (rooda);
Roy; San Nicolas; Scanlon; Schrier (rhymes with “fryer”); Scott; Shalala
(sha-LAY-la); Sherrill (rhymes with “sterile”); Sinema (cinema);
Slotkin; Smith; Spanberger; Spano (spanno); Stanton; Stauber (stahber);
Steil (style); Steube (rhymes with “ruby”); Stevens; Taylor; Timmons;
Tlaib (t’leeb); Torres Small; Trahan (tra-HAN); Trone; Underwood; Van
Drew; Waltz; Watkins; Wexton; Wild; Wright.

Submit entries at *
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a tin of 15
*Jesus Bandages,*

perfectly functional bandaids adorned with Renaissance-style likenesses
of the Healer. Plus “free prize inside!” Donated by Al Salas. And to
prepare your owie before laying on the bandage to make the wounded
whole, we’ll add *Scrub Away Your Funk* — a hard little disk that you
wet and turn into a full-size washcloth. Donated years ago by Drew Bennett.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 21; *results
published Feb. 10 (online Thursday, Feb. 7). See general contest rules
and guidelines at . The
headline “Redoozies” was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jesse
Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the
Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at
. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at ; follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

**The Style *Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column
discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to
enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


In *Week 1310, * Part 2 of our annual Year
in Redo, the Empress invited you to enter or reenter any of the 25
contests from the previous six months.

4th place:

*Week 1305, Googlenopes (no Google hits) and Googleyups (at least one hit):
* /Googlenope:/ “The world will be better in 2019” (William Kennard,
Arlington, Va.) [After the submission deadline, this phrase appeared
preceded by “no guarantee at all that”]

"You had the ad in the paper for a 'best friend'?" (Lynne Larkin, Vero
Beach, Fla.) (Cartoon by Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
3rd place:

*Week 1291, anagrams of movie titles:*
*“The Big Lebowski” > “The Big Bowelski”:* Same movie, but with a
dirtier rug. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

2nd place

/and the foot-shaped bottle opener
a funeral home:/
*Week 1288, product warnings:*
Law Offices of Michael Cohen, Esq.: May flip in tight spots. (Duncan
Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Week 1287, song parodies about current events: *
/To"Stayin' Alive" /
Well, you can tell Trump is eyeing number three,
Wants to fill the seat of RBG,
Pack that court with right-wing picks,
Try to get it up to three and six.
True, Ginsburg's not so young,
But look, they've healed her ribs and lung!
Can't take another frat boy Brett,
So don't go counting Ruth out yet!

Everybody's sayin' that we should all be prayin'
She's stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Sweep her car for booby trap and swaddle her in bubble wrap,
She's staying alive, stayin' alive.
Health-y food, rest! Stayin' alive, stayin' alive!
Bul-let-proof vest! Stayin' aliiiiive. . .
(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)

The Second Dumbing: Honorable mentions

*Week 1284, compare two items from a list we supplied:*
*Oscar Wilde vs. Kim Jong Un’s Porta-John: *While Oscar was renowned for
shafts of wit . . . (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*Dust bunnies vs. Florida Man:* One is detritus commonly found on the
bedroom floor, and the other is made of dust. (John Hutchins, Silver
Spring, Md.)

*Week 1285, trivia questions with right and wrong answers:*
/What were the first words spoken via telephone in 1876? /
Correct: “Watson, come here. I want to see you.”
Wrong: “Hi, this is Rachel from Card Services.” (Duncan Stevens)

/Children should be taught the “stop, drop and roll” technique in case
what happens?/
Correct answer: Their clothing catches on fire.
So wrong: An opponent touches them in a soccer game. (Chris Doyle,
Denton, Tex.)

*Week 1286, replace a P with another letter: *
*Tipsqueak: * A diner who rounds down. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

*Harpy birthday:* The day Ann Coulter entered this world. (Kathy
El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

*Week 1287, song parodies about the news: *
/To "Under the Sea"
from "The Little
Mermaid" /
I'm loving life in this Cabinet,
My tenure has been a romp,
The money is there, I'm grabbin' it,
I'm wallowing in the swamp.
Now, policy, that's for losers,
And governing, what a bore,
My briefing books—total snoozers.
Ah, what did I come here for?

To plunder D.C.! Plunder D.C.!
Man, that Scott Pruitt, I watched him do it
Steer jobs and cash to friends and fam,
They, too, get rich off Uncle Sam;
Constant corruption, no interruption;
Plunder D.C.

Now I'm on a spree of buying,
With kitchen sets, courtside seat,
I've booked lots of first-class flying,
A lobbyist's condo? Neat.
A conflict of interest? Boring.
The ethics rules are for chumps.
All that stuff, I'm just ignoring,
Whose lead do I follow? Trump's.

Plunder D.C.! Plunder D.C.!
I'll get all stinky, like Ryan Zinke,
Some call it crude venality;
I say: the new normality.
Who needs disclosure? Don't fear exposure,
Plunder D.C.! (Duncan Stevens) (see more parodies at the bottom of this

*Week 1289, bogus animal trivia:
*Rolling Stone Keith Richards attributes his longevity to a daily drink
of cockroach milk. (Frank Osen)

Obscure collective nouns for animals include a “kindle of kittens,” a
“murmuration of starlings” and a “WTF of platypuses.” (Larry McClemons,
Annandale, Va.)

The British may have secretly presented Trump with a new designer breed
of puppy during his visit with the queen: One footman was overheard
telling another, "Slip a little corgipoo in his pocket." (Frank Osen)

*Week 1291, movie anagrams: *
*It’s a Wonderful Life >* *Sit Under a Lowlife:* A chief of staff wishes
he’d never been born. Lynne Larkin, Vero Beach, Fla.)

*It’s a Wonderful Life >* *I Fled Town’s Failure: *Tired of George and
his so-called friends, Mary Bailey runs off with the richest man in town
— who just happens to be rolling in an extra $8,000. (Kevin Dopart,

*Week 1293, explain part of the Constitution:*
/The Eighth Amendment: /
"Cruel punishment": Someone guilty of theft being imprisoned for life.
"Unusual punishment": A rich person guilty of theft being imprisoned at
all. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

*Week 1295, bad/really bad: *
Sign you’re in Trump’s inner circle: Everyone’s in Prada.
Sign you’re really in Trump’s inner circle: Everyone’s in Pravda. (Mike
Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Sign you're obsessed with your smartphone: Your loved ones gently pry it
away from you at your own retirement party.
Sign you're really obsessed with your smartphone: Your loved ones gently
pry it away from you at your own funeral. (David Peckarsky, Tucson)

*Week 1296, poems with words new to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary: *
I put my phone in *airplane mode *and, much to my surprise,
The next two hours it blared the sound of cranky baby cries! (Jesse
Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

*Week 1297, put a “typo” in a real headline: *
Gun Pun-control group boasts most successful year with victories nationwide
/Incorrigible wordplay fanatics declare, ‘This only incorriges us more’
/(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Archaeologists find ‘one of a kind’ 4,400-year-old tomb bomb in Egypt
/Script of ‘Springtime for Pharaoh’ discovered / (Joshua Rokach, Silver
Spring, Md.)

DowDog sweeps downward again, with no sign of Santa rally
/Yoga workout fails to help Kringle’s aching back/ (John McCooey,
Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

*Week 1299, chains between two words new to the Scrabble dictionary : *
*Cojita *(Mexican cheese) > Gorgonzola > Emile Zola > "J'Accuse" >
Jacuzzi > Harriet Tubman > Frederick Douglass > "recognized more and
more" > Trump > Pence > pencil > No. 2 > *Ew* (Chris Doyle)

*OK* > 0K > absolute zero > Absolut vodka > Russia > Russian dressing >
Russian undressing > pee tape > chickpeas >*aquafaba* (water from
cooking beans) (Brian Cohen,Winston-Salem, N.C.)

*Week 1302, Ask Backwards, questions for given “answers”:*
A. A pith helmet.
Q. What do little English boys call a urinal? (Steve Honley, Washington)

*Week 1304, what-ifs:*
What if Aristotle had never developed the idea that the heart is the
seat of our emotions? We might all be sending valentines decorated with
frilly livers. (Duncan Stevens)

What if coffee were made illegal in the United States? History books
would devote a lot less space to the First American Revolution. (Jeff
Hazle, San Antonio)

*Week 1305, Googlenopes, ’yups:* // /
Googleyup:/ “Vladimir Putin praised Trump”
/Googlenope:/ “John Kelly praised Trump” (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

*Week 1306, parodies of holiday songs*
/(To "Auld Lang Syne")/
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
For such a little crime?
A guy got killed, but hey, so what?
It happens all the time.
We'll take a cup of kindness yet
Next time the prince drops by.
He swears he's innocent. No sweat —
Like me, he'd never lie.

To shun the Saudis would be rash;
We really need their trade,
And innocent or not, there's cash
In billions to be made!
"So if", I said, "you had to whack
A journalist, that's fine.
Don't worry, Prince, I've got your back
For the sake of auld lang syne." (Brian Allgar, Paris)

** /*Also from Week 1287:* /
*Who's Your Vladdy?*
/(to "My Heart Belongs to Daddy"
by Cole Porter)/
If there's a hack, I cut him slack,
I'll never admit he's a baddie,
He loves Assad? I give a nod
'Cause my heart belongs to Vladdy.

He sends his spies, I close my eyes,
I'm just so eternally glad he
Could help me win, so it's no sin,
And my heart belongs to Vladdy

Yes my heart belongs to Vladdy,
And it's true that I'm easily had,
'Cause my heart belongs to Vladdy
Vla-vla-vla Vla-vla-vla Vla-vla-Vlaaaad;
If we golf I'll be his caddie,
'Cause his baggage I carry so well,
And my heart belongs to Vladdy,
Though my country is going to hell. (Mark Raffman, Reston,Va.)

*Still running — deadline Monday, Jan. 14: our contest for poems about
people who died in 2018. See
. *