Style Invitational Week 1311: Nextra! Nextra!

Tell us some humorous events of 2019. Plus winning neologisms.

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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December 20 at 10:30 AM

(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s winning neologisms.)

April 1, 2019: *After record rainfall leads to massive flooding
nationwide, President Trump insists that the damage would have been
avoided if “people had used more umbrellas.”*

July 4, 2019: *Melania Trump unveils her new initiative, #BeTheir, a
program aimed at reducing misspellings on Twitter.*

Aug. 28, 2019: *Inspired by Great Britain, the governments of Spain and
Portugal announce they will hold their own referendums on leaving the
European Union, launching the unfortunate nicknames Spanxit and Porxit. *

For the past two weeks, we in Loserland have been taking a look back at
crazy ol’ 2018, as the Empress invited you to enter any of 50 Style
Invitational contests from the past year. Now it’s time to take a look
back at crazy ol’ 2019, as we create our now-annual(ish) Year in Preview
timeline. We appropriated (or inappropriated) the idea from 71-time
Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who used to compose such pre-chronicles for his
humor column in the San Jose Mercury News. Alas, Malcolm’s column is no
more, but the Invite soldiers on with fake news that hasn’t even
not-happened yet*. This week: Name some humorous news event to happen in
2019,* as in the examples above that Malcolm obligingly provided from
his dusty crystal ball. Include a date only if it relates to the event
(feel free to explain why); otherwise the Empress will add an arbitrary
date, as above.

Submit entries at *
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our new Style Invitational trophy.

Second place receives one of the strangest promotional materials the
Empress has ever discovered on the newsroom giveaway table: It’s the
*Oreo Music Box, *which consists of a four-inch-square cardboard box . .
 . that contains a wee electronic turntable, on which you place . . . an
Oreo cookie. Move the “tone arm” into place and the cookie starts to
spin, seeming to produce one of several futuristic electro-tunes that
sound, I don’t know, like something an Oreo cookie would play. I think
it also will record your voice, but we don’t have the directions. We
will even throw in the Oreo cookie (regular version) that came with it,
no doubt matured in flavor by sitting out for 4½ weeks.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 31 *— what, you
have someplace to go? Results published Jan. 20 (online Thursday, Jan.
17). See general contest rules and guidelines at
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at
. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at ; follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


**In *Week 1307 *we asked you to replace one
letter of a word or name with another, then describe the result. One
previously inkworthy neologism was disqualified by later events: Duncan
Stevens’s “*Unzinkable: *Able to hang on to a Cabinet position despite
numerous embarrassing scandals.” It zank.

4th place:

*Sanka Claus:* Bringer of unexciting presents. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

This music box spins a real Oreo but does not play "C Is for Cookie."
(Pat Myers/The Washington Post)
3rd place

*Peerogative:* Getting to use the bathroom of your chosen gender. (Steve
Fahey, Kensington, Md.)

2nd place

/and the Christmas Carol Kazoo:

/ *Braxit:* An undergarment that was originally intended to separate,
but has lost much support. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Don compos mentis:* Of very stable genius mind. (Jesse Frankovich,
Grand Ledge, Mich.)

Left at the alter: Honorable mentions

*Boinksmanship: *Expertise in foreign affairs. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*Brittata:* A brunch dish made with eggs, suet, blood sausage and
turnips. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*Foxic waste:* Substance that poisons the national discourse. (Duncan
Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*Pursitis:* What your shoulder gets for schlepping around eight pounds
of who-knows-what in your handbag. (Phil Huffy, Rochester, N.Y., a First

*Beto blocker:* A nasty pill that may raise your blood pressure,
marketed under the name Ted. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Bureaucrazy:* When a gang of idiots can’t seem to understand that your
8-year-old, who broke her elbow playing soccer, really, really, /really/
can’t file a workers’ compensation claim /because she’s 8 years old!/
(Yes, this really, really, /really/ happened.) (Dave Airozo, Silver
Spring, Md.)

*Romeopathic medicine:* A nicer name for ED drugs. (Tom Gleason,
Lawrence, Kan.)

*Swampede:* The rush of administration officials to leave before the new
Congress. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*Southwash: *A bidet. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*Stetladder:* It’s used to put things back the way they were. (Pamela
Love, Columbia, Md.)

*The Star-Slangled Banner: *Yo, say can you see . . . ? (Frank Mann,

*Tony Snark: *Irony Man. (Neil Hartbarger, Silver Spring, Md., a First

*Rake-believe: *An imaginary way to prevent forest fires. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Cameraderie: *Those grimacing smiles you see in photos of people
pretending to like each other. (Frank Osen)

*Celibration:* The joy of no sex. (Karl Koerber, Krestova, B.C.)

*The touchy-feedy type: *Someone who uses his hands to pick up the
shrimp from the buffet line. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*Make America Greet Again: *Struggling Hallmark’s new slogan. (Neal
Starkman, Seattle)

*Haberlashery: *Store for the discriminating S&M shopper. (Roy Ashley,

*Aquus: *The taxonomic genus of sea horses. Well, it should be. (Jeff

*Ax-wife: *The former Lorena Bobbitt. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

*“Douched by an Angel”: *The heartwarming family show that proves
cleanliness is indeed next to godliness. (Dan O’Day, Alexandria, Va.)

*Give Us Your Tired, Your Pooh: *Slogan of the Old Cartoon Characters
Home. (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.)

*Godswallop: *Televangelist claptrap, like Pat Robertson blaming the
Haitian earthquake on “a pact with the Devil.” (Michael Noonan,
Fredericksburg, Va., a First Offender)

*Locabore:* A dining companion who insists on telling you which farmers
market every mouthful came from. (Frank Mullen III)

*Pizza Hot: *A type of pizza that cannot be delivered. (John Kupiec,

*Lumph nodes: *Cellulite. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

*Lyft and separate:* The 51st and 52nd ways to leave your lover. (John
McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

*GrossFit: *Exercise studio that does not have showers. (Mark Raffman)

*Grudent:* Practicing extreme caution, as in running the ball on third
and 12. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)

*HALmart:* A store where the self-checkout machine says, “I’m afraid I
can’t let you buy that, Dave.” (Jesse Frankovich)

*Hashtug:* The compulsion to constantly check your phone for retweets.
(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

*Indignify: *Humiliate while honoring. “The band indignified Trump’s
arrival by playing ‘Hail to the Chief’ on kazoos.” (Kevin Dopart,

*Mequel: *Junior. (Jeff Contompasis)

*Nap year: *The first year of retirement. Actually, every year of
retirement. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.)

*Paywail: *Your indignant rant when you realize that the article you
wanted to read online isn’t free. (Mike Gips)

*Rudolph the Red-Hosed Reindeer:* His embarrassing physical condition
was decidedly /not/ the subject of a children’s song. (Mark Raffman)

*Rapid bransit:* What happens when that morning coffee and granola
suddenly kick in. (Dave Airozo)

*International Dare Line: *What they should call the mark on the
Doomsday Clock that shows how close we are to Nuclear Midnight. (Doug
Frank, Houston)

*Dongling participle: *“Beneath my desk, tied in knots and encased in
rubber, I couldn’t untangle the adapter cords from the headphones.”
(Frank Osen)

*Mediogre:* A nasty little journalist who eats babies while churning out
fake news about me. — D.J.T., Washington (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

*Vlad-handing: *First item on Trump’s agenda at the G-20 summit. (Chris

*WMAGA:* Transportation service that doesn’t actually go anywhere, but
the conductors will ramble for hours about how great they are. (Duncan

*Neologasm:* What happens when you think of the perfect word for this
contest. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

*Pot Myers: *The Hempress of the Style Invitational. (Gregory Koch,
Falls Church, Va.)

*Fail accompli: *I’m a Loser this week! (Chris Doyle)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 24: Part 2 of our Year in
Redo contest. See *

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