Style Invitational Week 1308: Picture This . . . or These


Our Bob Staake caption contest with a twist. Plus winning what-if
scenarios.


Someone tell us what's going on here! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers


Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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November 29

(Click here to skip down <#report>to the winning “what-if” scenarios)

It’s time once again for another contest in which we try to assist
Almost Forever Style Invitational Cartoonist Bob Staake in figuring out
just what is going on in these pictures — because frankly, he has no
clue. Do u?*This week you have two choices: (1) Write a caption for one
or more of these pictures, or (2) explain what is wrong with the picture. *

*Extra fun: *While Bob still doesn’t know what the pictures are about,
he designed them so that *you might also combine two pictures into one —
or all four into one* — and describe that instead.

For the sanity of the Empress. who would like to sort the entries before
judging them: *Please submit each entry — you still get a total of 25 —
in this format: *

*Picture A: [caption, description, whatever] — with the heading and
description on the same line. *

*Pictures A and C: [same thing] *

*All four pictures: [zubzubzub]
*

Submit entries at the website *wapo.st/enter-invite-1308.*


Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a lovely — well,
it’s actually white with plain black lettering —*coffee mug labeled
“World’s Okayest Girlfriend.”* It’s absolutely perfect for Valentine’s
Day! Donated by Loser Bill Munson.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Loser
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
or
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 10; *results
published Dec. 30 (online Thursday, Dec. 27). See general contest rules
and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The
headline for this week’s results is by Duncan Stevens; Jesse Frankovich
wrote this week’s honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style
Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev
. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational * The Empress's weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter
this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*MUSEMENTS: WHAT-IFS FROM WEEK 1304*

**In *Week 1304,* we asked you to posit a
“what-if” question and answer it.

4th place:

*What if there were an alternate universe where your cat did not follow
you to the bathroom?*
You’d just sit there and talk to yourself, I guess. (Robyn Carlson,
Keyser, W.Va.)

3rd place:

*What if night suddenly became day, and day became night?*
I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was checking my phone. (Ivars
Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)

2nd place

/and the cattle-dung-paper journal and pizzle dog chew
:
/
*What if anagrams always came true? *
Robert Mueller could TRAP A FOUL MAN just by using PAUL MANAFORT. (Jon
Gearhart, Des Moines)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*What if M.C. Escher had designed the entrance to the Philadelphia
Museum of Art?*
Rocky would still be climbing those steps. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand
Ledge, Mich.)

If-bombs: Honorable mentions

*What if instead of the Stanley Cup it was a Stanley Jockstrap? *
It would be easier to hold above your head, but players probably
wouldn’t drink out of it so much. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

*If Christine Blasey Ford hadn’t testified,*
we might still be wondering what Lindsey Graham’s and Brett Kavanaugh’s
tonsils look like. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*What if “Casablanca” had Groucho Marx as Rick instead of Humphrey
Bogart? *
Ilsa’s request would be: “Play it, Sam. Play ‘Pop Goes the Weasel.’ ”
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

*What if “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” had instead been “Breakfast at IHOP”?*
The lead character would be named Holly Goheavily — and would not be
played by Audrey Hepburn. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

*What if Alexander Graham Bell had invented automatic dialing? *
By Election Day 1876, everyone would have been annoyed by endless
robo-calls to vote for Rutherford B. Hayes. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery,
Ala.)

*What if all your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge? *
“Really, Mom, are we gonna do this now?” (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)

*What if America really were a Christian nation?*
We’d care for the poor, welcome strangers and be much stronger advocates
for including bingo in the Olympics. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*If China hadn’t developed coins as a medium of exchange somewhere
around 1000 B.C.,*
Cuba Gooding Jr. would have yelled, “Show me the item or service of
reasonably equivalent value!” (Duncan Stevens)

*What if the Habsburg nobles in Prague had a trampoline outside their
window, ** so when they were defenestrated they just kept bouncing back
up to the window, yelling, “Boi-oi-oi-oinnng . . . boi-oi-oi-oinnng . .
.” to the Bohemians inside?*
The Thirty Years’ War would’ve been awesome! (Brendan Beary, Great
Mills, Md.)

*What if cats could talk?*
It wouldn’t matter much, since their vocabulary would consist of “feed
me” and “so what?” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*What if shirt sleeves were made of sandpaper?*
Maybe fourth-grade boys would learn to locate the tissues in the
classroom. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md., and, yep, a fourth-grade
teacher)

*What if water did not become less dense when it froze?*
James Cameron would not be the king of the world. (Mark Calandra,
Sudbury, Mass.)

*What if we could become the movie character we most admire?*
I’m going with Woody from “Toy Story,” so I could make the world feel
just a little bit better every time they see me. My second choice is
Freddy Krueger. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

*What if the human brain had evolved without the capability for
imagination?*
Uhh . . . (Brendan Beary)

*What if pregnant women grew temporary prehensile tails?*
It would be awesome to have that extra hand that moms always need! Why
didn’t God think of this?! (Connie Akers, Radford, Va.)

*What if English were written from right to left?*
.ti ot desu teg d’ew sseug I (Frank Mann, Washington)

*What if spray paint cans had spell-check?*
Then that ’60s graffiti would have read “CLAPTON IS GOOD.” (J. Larry
Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

*What if you inexplicably found yourself back in college, about to take
a big test, only you couldn’t remember where the classroom was?*
If you know, please tell me. I always wake up before I can find out.
(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

*What if you were happy and you knew it but you didn’t have any hands?*
Whoever was singing to you sure would feel like a heel. (Jesse Frankovich)

*What if, someday in the far future, all of Earth’s population is
biracial?*
I’ll bet there would still be arguments over who’s the most biracial.
(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*What if the president boarded Air Force One using a jet bridge and not
a staircase?*
We’d have gone on assuming he knew how to close an umbrella
.
(Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.)

*What if pigs could fly? *Nicolas Cage would have starred in “Ba-Con
Air”! (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

*What if the Ten Commandments had been written by Dr. Seuss?
*“Thou shalt not smash their heads with rocks
Nor poison them with deadly pox.
Thou shalt not kill with guns nor ram
A knife in them.” said Great I AM. (Jon Gearhart)

*What if Jeff Bezos sold The Washington Post to the Trump family? *
The Trumps would insist that The Post maintain its editorial and
journalistic standards because an independent press is our greatest
defense against tyranny. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

*What if I don’t get ink in this contest?*
But I’ve got to! I promised poor sick little Billy in the hospital that
I would, so I’ve just GOT to. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*If I typed Style Invitational entries in the dark,* theu wouiln;t get
imk. (Duncan Stevens)

*What if Penélope Cruz called me to say she’s crazy in love with me and
wanted us to run away to some remote Caribbean island for a life of
wild, wanton, smoldering passion?* I wouldn’t be wasting my time on this
stupid contest, I’ll tell you that. (Brendan Beary)

*TWO contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, Dec. 3:
Parodies of holiday songs (see wapo.st/invite1306
), and to make a new word by replacing one
letter with another one (wapo.st/invite1307 ). *

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