Style Invitational Week 1306: PolitiCaroling — a song parody contest

Write a song about today’s news to a holiday tune. Plus our Ask
Backwards winners.

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
Email //

Bio //

Follow //

November 15

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning and Losing entries to
our Ask Backwards contest)

/*From Week 585, back in the middle of the George W. Bush administration:* /

/To “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”/
*Putin the Red knows tactics
* *He learned at the KGB.*
*Rigging Ukraine’s election,*
*That’s a covert specialty.*
*He’s not for spreading freedom,*
*He just wants complete control.*
*Mr. Bush, one suggestion:*
*Look again into his soul.* (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va..)

Fourteen years ago, and only one of the names has changed. In the
Empress’s first song parody contest, Loser Harvey Smith referred to the
president’s response when a reporter asked him if he could trust
Vladi­mir Putin: “I looked the man in the eye. I found him very
straightforward and trustworthy — I was able to get a sense of his soul.”

After all these years, we again combine two of the E’s passions: song
parody contests and Christmas songs. *This week: Write a song about
something in the news lately — political or otherwise — using a
Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year’s tune. *We’ll give you an extra week to
get the parodies done. If you make a video, we might feature it in the
online Invite, but it’s the quality of the lyrics that matters most.

Submit entries at the website **

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. And since we’re getting our holiday
season underway, second place receives a dainty collectible porcelain
toilet ornament, in a gift box. Martha Stewart always includes one of
these on her own tree. Well, she should. Donated by Kyle Hendrickson.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship”
(or perhaps a new design). Honorable mentions
get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 3; *results
published Dec. 16 (online Thursday, Dec. 13). See general contest rules
and guidelines at . The
headline for this week’s results is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also
wrote this week’s honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style
Invitational Devotees on Facebook at
. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at ; follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational * The Empress's weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter the
parody contest, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


**In *Week 1302,* our perennial Ask
Backwards contest, the Empress listed 15 “answers” and asked for the
questions. Too often for individual credit, the Supreme Court softball
team was said to have*no one who’d play in center field,* or that
its*games always ended up 5-4.* And that a pith helmet is *what should
be worn to a golden shower.*

4th place:

*A. Grace at the Trumps’ Thanksgiving dinner.*
Q. After Lisa at the White House Halloween party and Julie at the
Veterans Day breakfast, whom did he grab next? (Jesse Frankovich, Grand
Ledge, Mich.)

Yule log not included: This ornament is this week's 2nd prize
3rd place

*A. The Supreme Court softball team. *
Q. What is the latest place Brett Kavanaugh was caught trying to steal
third base? (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.)

2nd place

/and the squeezy eyeball
splatty poop emoji
/ *A. An almost-everything bagel. *
Q. What favorite food did Elizabeth Warren cite as evidence of her
Jewish heritage? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*A. A pith helmet.*
Q. After her idea for special makeup
rejected, what did Megyn Kelly suggest that Melania wear on her Africa
trip? (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

Flat is the question: Honorable mentions

*$3.33 AN HOUR

*What is half the minimum wage in Hell? (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)

What is Metro’s latest fare for a trip from Dupont Circle to Metro
(Ira Allen, Bethesda)

What’s probably not the best way to receive your Mega Millions winnings?
(Jesse Frankovich)

How much would it now cost me to have my event catered by Mario Batali
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

What’s a good breakfast choice for people who are allergic to kitchen
sinks? (Rob Huffman, Fredrericksburg)

Which Dunkin’ Donuts product contains every ingredient except taste?
(Mike Gips, Bethesda)

What name change did the deli’s lawyers suggest for the everything
bagel? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

When you straight-arm the cash register guy, run behind the counter and
scream “HOLD THE CARAWAY, DAMMIT!” what do you really want? (Sharon
Neeman, Pardes Hanna, Israel)

*What is Imbibe and Consent? (Jeff Contompasis)

What is Ring Around the Rosé? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

What are someone Trump alwaysputs down
something he /never/ puts down, and something he never picks up? (Bob

“Can you please read the instructions on this Budget Back-Hair Removal
Kit?” (Will Stutzman, Millersville, Ohio)

What words were discarded from early versions of McDonald’s slogan “You
deserve a break today”? (Beverley Sharp)

What’s a thing that falls when it’s cold, a thing that rises when it’s
hot, and a thing that goes back and forth when fall rises? (Jesse

What is “Let us prey”? (Mark Raffman)

What includes lots of bragging about electoral college totals? (Duncan
Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

What is as rare as chitlins at the Trumps’ Thanksgiving dinner? (J.
Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

When a dozen new indictments are announced on Nov. 22, what will Fox
News be airing? (Allen R. Breon, Clarksville)

What are three choruses of “I Feel Pretty”? (Joshua Rokach, Silver
Spring, Md.)

You say your new puppy is snippy, wags his tongue a lot, and won’t stop
yelping? (Mark Raffman)

You wanted to name your son an anagram of a country, but didn’t like
“Uper”? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

After the call from Verizon, what name did Mr. and Mrs. HearMeNow choose
for their son? (Connie Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

* What drives the opposite SECs wild? (J. Larry Schott)

What product’s slogan is “For when you want to ‘go private’?” (Mark Raffman)

How does Tesla prevent “new-car smell”? (Dave Christovich, Woodstock,
Va., a First Offender)

What perk makes the $175 million fare for the SpaceX moon flight such a
bargain? (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

What was the entirety of that Sexy Sir Henry Stanley costume? (Jeff

What do you need if you’re on the ground floor of a two-thtory outhouth?
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Dana Austin, Palmyra, Va.)

What hat protects its wearer from the glare of an African sun, but not
from the glare of a media spotlight
(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

What is “Philately Phunhouse”? (Jeff Contompasis)

What is “Finding the Real Killers, With O.J. Simpson and Mohammed bin
Salman”? (Duncan Stevens)

What is “Money-Saving Halloween Ideas With Megyn Kelly”? (Ivars
Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.; G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.)

What’s “Dan Snyder’s Greatest Sports Moments”? (John Hutchins, Silver
Spring, Md.)

What is “In Pog We Trust: Legends of the 1990s Milk Cap Craze”? (Frank
Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

* What comes on before “A Charlie Beige Christmas”? (Art Grinath, Takoma
Park, Md.)

What do you use to make the Pumpkin Spice Blahtte? (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village, Md.; Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

What did the grandparents call their ordinary grandchild? (Kristin
Braly, Baltimore)

After the ball, what public transportation did Cinderella take to get
back to East Middling? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.; Frank Osen; Will

Who’s No. 1 in the D.C. Justice League? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

What team has no pitchers because they’ve switched to kegs? (Gary Crockett)

Whose mascots are named the Racing Precedents
? (Jeff Contompasis)

Whose pitcher would have been drafted by the Red Sox had Game 3 gone one
more inning? (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)


Okay, what/can/ you tug on
(Dave Christovich)

How does Donald Trump refer to his mother? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills,
N.Y.; Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

** *Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 19: our
Googlenopes/Googleyups contest. See