Style Invitational Week 1296: A, we’re adorbs — a poetry contest
Write a poem using one of the 35 new words at M-W.com; plus winning
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning limericks)
I’ve the best-looking beard, horns and coat.
I’m a natural at nibbling a note.
I climb mountains with ease,
And each nanny agrees
I’m the *Greatest Of All Time *— the *GOAT!*
We may be a venerable 25 years old — that’s “we” The Style Invitational,
not Royal We the Empress, who, uh, used to be 25 — but we do try to stay
current. And this week, courtesy of our pals over at Merriam-Webster, we
bring you these 35 new terms that were among those added just this past
Tuesday to its online dictionary . (See the list
at the bottom of this column, below the results.)
But AHA! The Loser Community is right there with you, MerriWeb. By total
coincidence, this week we present the results of our contest for
limericks featuring words beginning “gl-” through “go-” — which included
Jesse’s use of “GOAT” in its new, acronymic sense. (Jon Gearhart also
did one but poor Jon was out-GOATed.)
And so let’s get some more:*This week: Use one or more of these words
new to M-W.com in a humorous poem of eight lines max.* They must be used
in the way they’re defined in the new M-W.com listings; e.g., “CBD” is
for the marijuana component cannabidiol, and not for, say, “couldn’t be
dumber.” The online Invite has links to all
the definitions; my Style Conversational column
lists list mini-definitions so you won’t have
to click on each one; or you can go straight to M-W.com. (And we don’t
want to hear “TL;DR.”)**
Submit entries at the website *wapo.st/enter-invite-1296*
Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,
* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of four
mildly risque magnets with cartoons of dogs; in one, there’s a boxer on
his hind legs and the slogan “Your dog doesn’t know sit”; another says,
“Friend request” under a picture of a dog sniffing another dog’s butt.
Inexplicably regifted by Loser Edward Gordon,who won them in Week 1158.
*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 17; *results
published Oct. 7 (online Oct. 4). See general contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline
for this week’s results come from both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; Jesse
Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev
. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.
*The Style Conversational * The Empress's weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at wapo.st/styleconv .
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .
*GLimericks and GOggerel: The Limerixicon of Week 1292
* *Week 1292 * marked our 15th annual
Limerixicon, in which we ask for limericks featuring words from a little
sliver of the dictionary — this year beginning with GL- to GO- — to help
the folks at OEDILF.com continue to amass a whole
dictionary in limerick form. These inking entries today might well push
the ILFers over the 100,000-lim mark.
She wore *go-go boots,* shorts and a bra.
When I saw her, I laid down the law:
“I don’t care if your mates
Dress like that on their dates,
You are not going out like that, Ma!”
(Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.)
One of the fetching magnets that constitute our second prize this week.
Stop talking to Vlad? He won’t buy it.
Gotta find a new way he’ll keep quiet.
So we’ve taken the phone
From his *golf cart *and throne,
And now Trump’s on a Putin-free diet. – J. Kelly, Washington
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
and theBig Mac-shaped candy and gummy rat
A *gnat* is a minuscule fly,
While a Nat is a bat-wielding guy.
When a gnat bites it itches,
A Nat swings at pitches.
October’s when both of them die.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
And the winner of the Lose Cannon:
His assistant said, "Sir, you're so late!
Should I call to arrange a new date?
'Cause those two other chaps
Could reschedule, perhaps . . ."
"No, it's fine," said *Godot*. "Let 'em wait."
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Hind lims: Honorable mentions
Since he was the original *G-man*
J. Edgar was truly a key man
In time, though, we learned
Where apparel’s concerned
He just wasn’t that much of a he-man.
(Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.)
Said the Zen monk, “Beware of this trap:
Do not focus on what’s in your lap.”
Said the novice, “But why?”
“*Gonorrhea!* No lie!
Ever heard of the ‘one-handed clap’ ”?
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
An alien, programmed to roam,
Lands on Earth many light-years from home.
When kids learn that he’s not
A real dwarf, as they’d thought,
They make fun of him: “E.T., faux *gnome!*” (Chris Doyle)
She was Trump’s protegee (till he canned her!);
Now he’s charged Omarosa with slander.
If backstabbing’s your trade,
Do expect it repaid:
It’s as good for the *goose* as the gander.
(Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)
When *Goldilocks* traveled to see ’em,
She arranged to arrive in the p.m.
Growled her hosts: “Rooms ain’t free
In our BearBNB!”
And they charged her a hefty per diem.
(Jackie Beals, Staunton, Va.)
“The White House? As soon as I win it,
I’ll go there and always stay in it.
Behind my big desk
I’ll be so Churchillesque!
And for *golf* I won’t have a spare minute
.” — Candidate Trump,
(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
The grand host of the party showed honor:
He said, “Nobody here is a *goner!*
I’ve made a nice stew;
It’s all good for you.”
They replied, “Thanks a lot, Mr. Donner.”
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)
A coldhearted meanie from **Gloucester* *
Had a wife, but he badgered and boucester.
Short-tempered, imperious –
It’s not too mysterious
Figuring out why he loucester. (Brendan Beary)
The cowardly Colonel McGee
Turned and fled from the fight toward the sea.
His acts, far from *glorious,*
Have made him notorious
For shouting, “Retreat after me!”
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Our travel site’s special, you know.
With a click of your mouse, it will show
Tons of toilets, and loads
Of latrines and commodes—
We’ve got all the best places to *go. *
(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)
“*Going *once,” said the old auctioneer
In a voice tinged with pride and quite clear.
“Going twice,” he did shout;
I said, “Swell, now get out!
There’s a line for the men’s room out here.”
(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
The man in the White House, alas,
Is craven, corrupted and crass.
He sees his reflection
And murmurs, “Perfection!”
While we see a pain in the *glass.* (Nan Reiner)
*God *is modern; he’s no longer prone
To carve rules on a tablet of stone.
On his iPad in Heaven
Types Commandment Eleven:
Thou shalt not send drunk tweets on thy phone.
(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)
“Stupid job!” he exclaimed, far from hearty.
“Where’s the keg and the girls? Tell me, smarty!”
“Mr. President, sir,
I regret, as it were,
*GOP* isn’t /that / kind of party.”
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
With sculpting perfection a must,
O’er every last detail Anne fussed.
She chiseled from boulders
One head and two shoulders:
Now Anne has a pretty *gneiss *bust.
(Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)
It’s repulsive! We scarcely can cope!
Still I cling to a *glimmer* of hope
That our carpooler Bruce
Might today have made use
Of deodorant, toothbrush and soap. (Brendan Beary)
Word is out that the National Zoo’s
Just begun to air round-the-clock views
Of a wildebeest cow
Close to calving right now.
Check your listings for “Eyewitness *Gnus.*” (Chris Doyle)
Joe Beaver inquired of his paw:
“This tree — should we purchase a saw
To fell it? A chopper?
Would hatchets be proper?”
His father, laconically:*“Gnaw.” *
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
If a guy’s wearing short and loose pants
With no underwear on, there’s a chance
You’ll observe a bit more
Than you’re bargaining for:
You may spot the man’s *glans *at a *glance. *(Jesse Frankovich)
“I was *gobsmacked!*” she told me offhand.
“I says, ‘Bugger me! This weren’t planned!’
Me son’s son ties the knot
With some Yank bird – what rot!”
(Yes, your majesty, I understand.) (Brendan Beary)
To our love you pronounced a death knell,
Though you told me you still wished me well.
But I’m feeling less so,
So*gl fo,* ** *
*And I hope I don’t join you in hell. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)
*Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 10: our contest for jokes
in the “bad/really bad” format. Seewapo.st/invite1295