Style Invitational Week 1293: Constitutional unconvention

Rewrite or explain one part of it in a funny way. Plus the winning
fake trivia about animals.

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers
, Style Invitational editor
August 16

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning bogus trivia about

Who knows — our current president may well have perused the U.S.
Constitution top to bottom, all seven articles and 27 amendments, the
preamble and the closing endorsement, sometime in his life. Okay, /we
/know. C’mon. But don’t you think the USA CEO /might/ actually find some
of it interesting if it were presented in a livelier format? Reader Tod
Cramton suggested a series of marching cheers; let’s broaden that idea:
*This week: Humorously translate or explain some part of the U.S.
Constitution: *with a funny example or analogy; as a pithy proverb or
slogan; in a short poem, a song parody, a graphic, you name it. Be sure
to tell us what specific part of the Constitution you’re translating.
Your version may be, but doesn’t necessarily have to be, aimed at the
president’s particular attention span or interests.

Submit entries at the website **
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place: Some brand-new *Undies
for Two ,
*a white polyester bikini brief with four leg holes positioned that two
people wear it together, facing each other verrry closely, as if clamped
together by one of those big tight rubber bands that go around broccoli
in the produce section. “Getting in them is half the fun!” promises the
box, so you still have the other 50 percent to make the best of your
immobility. Donated by Loser and Style Invitational Devotee Kathleen
Delano, who sanely declined to model them for the readers of The
Washington Post.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 27; *results
published Sept. 16 (online Sept. 13). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at . “Like”
Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at
; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational * The Empress's weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of
results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at .

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


**In *Week 1289* we sought to extend our
crusade to misinform our readers to Kingdom Animalia with these Fictoids
of Fauna:

4th place:

Despite their reputation, clams have a surprisingly high rate of
depression. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Underclothes encounters: This week's second prize.
3rd place:

The world’s most expensive bacon comes from the guinea pig. (Susanne
Pierce Dyer, Green Valley, Calif.)

2nd place

/and theanimal appendage finger ornaments

John Williams drew inspiration for the “Jaws” theme
hearing about a shark attack survivor who continued to play piano with
his remaining two fingers. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

Shar-Pei, deflated. (Pedro Parro via Wikipedia)

When fully inflated, an adult Shar-Pei

can reach up to seven feet in circumference. (David Schwartz, Fairfax,
Va., a First Offender)

Just No stories: Honorable mentions

Since the appointment of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, the only animal
in Montana that hasn’t been removed from endangered-species protection
is the jackalope. (Susanne Pierce Dyer)

Some synagogues offer bar mitzvahs for dogs when they turn 1.86.
(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)

The armadillo is found in Washington, D.C., only at the zoo, while the
peccadillo is constantly being discovered. (Lynne Larkin, Glenn Dale, Md.)

According to Hinduism, cats have only one life. (Jon Ketzner,
Cumberland, Md.)

Most species of owls in Central and South America have a call that
sounds like /¿Quién?/ (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

The painting “Dogs Playing Poker” was based on a secretly acquired
photograph of dogs playing poker. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Alanis Morissette wrote the melody to “Ironic” while listening to the
songs of female sperm whales. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)

The male orange clownfish has a genetic predisposition to bone spurs.
(Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.)

Even though Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t pronounce “ferret,” he keeps
seven of them as pets. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Albino frogs can’t jump. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

Amazingly, Nostradamus correctly foretold that Bigfoot porn would be an
issue in a Virginia congressional race.

(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

To address the current farm labor shortage, giraffes are being used to
pick fruit off tall trees and load it gently into waiting trucks.
(Susanne Pierce Dyer)

“Rainbow” trout got their name when biologists at fish hatcheries
noticed them forming same-sex pair bonds. (Megan Durham, Reston, Va.)

Cat hairballs can be inserted in the auditory canal to prevent earaches.
This technique is often practiced by older men. (Kathleen Cross, Silver
Spring, Md.)

Despite years of trying, fish simply cannot play baseball.

All but 5,000 South Floridians have acknowledged that fact. (Nan Reiner,
Boca Raton, Fla.)

The trumpeter swan has a small, flap-covered hole on its neck to drain
saliva. (Jeff Shirley)

It actually takes at least four butterfly wing-flaps in the Pacific
Ocean to create a hurricane. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Lions prefer to sleep on the open savanna. They sleep very poorly in
jungles or near villages, particularly when there ishigh-pitched singing
nearby. (Duncan Stevens)

In Greek, “hippopotamus” means “water horse,” while in Swahili it means
“butt ugly.” (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.)

Paleontologists have found fossils of the ancestors of modern buffalo
that bear vestigial wings. (Duncan Stevens)

While many people know that Sumatran kopi luwak coffee comes from beans
eaten and excreted by the palm civet, fewer know that the Sumatran tree
sloth poops decaf. (Brendan Beary)

Before the evolution of the various big-cat species, giant balls of
string roamed the savannas. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Cockroach milk, touted as a “superfood,” is so popular in Brooklyn that
several coffee shops there now offer “cafe roachas,” as well as
“splattes” sprinkled with a smashed-roach garnish. (Melissa Balmain,
Rochester, N.Y.)

Rin-Tin-Tin’s contract demanded that he have a bigger dressing room than
his human co-stars, and it always be stocked with abowl of M&M’s
only gray ones.

(Russell Beland)

All wombats are female. The males are called mbats. (Jesse Frankovich,
Grand Ledge, Mich.)

Except for the species /Mellivora melania,/ honey badgers
do care. (Ed Sobansky,
Bowie, Md.)

Recently released video has caught bald eagles wearing straw head
coverings during mating season. (Lorna Jerome, Waldorf, Md., a First

Cockroaches are so named because they taste like chicken. (Larry Gray)

Scott was beaten to the South Pole by Amundsen because of his tragic
decision to use sled penguins. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

In Mexico, the inside joke is to tell gringos that the “mole” sauce on
their chicken is made from chocolate and not the real ingredient,
blended Mexican mole lizards. (Lorraine McMillan, Alexandria, Va.)

The Puritans referred to marital relations as “playing possum,” since
they moved as little as possible. (Jeff Shirley)

Mr. Ed’s voice was dubbed for the TV show because he spoke only German.
(Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 20: our contest for
limericks featuring words beginning with gl- through go-. See .*