Style Invitational Week 1292: Golly gosh, it’s Limerixicon XV

Write a limerick with a word beginning “gl-” to “go”; plus winning
product warnings

Glenn Close, but no ... (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
by Pat Myers August 9 Email the author


(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s winning product
disclaimers and warnings)

*GLENN Close, who’s a popular star,*
*Went into a Hollywood bar.*
*They told her, “My dear,*
*You can’t smoke in here.”*
*And so it was Close, no cigar.* (Mae Scanlan, Week 726)

We return once again to our Augusty drop-by at, where, year
by year, letter by letter since 2004, founder Chris Strolin and more
than 1,000 contributing authors have been creating an Omnificent English
Dictionary in Limerick Form, starting with “The very first word here is
/a /. . . ” and inching through the alphabet (predicted completion date:
Sept. 25, 2076, a target that has not changed in at least two years).
Chris & Co. are right on the edge of the 100,000-limerick mark as
they’ve made it through GI-. Let’s help put them over: *This week:
Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly
featuring any English word, name or term beginning with “gl-” through
“go-,”* as in the example above by Mae Scanlan that got ink in the
cl-to-co- contest in 2007. (Okay, maybe it’s not quite OEDILFish to use
a first name as the pertinent word, but the Empress doesn’t care, and
Bob Staake, when she showed him this limerick, noted that “my longtime
nickname for Glenn Close is ‘potato chin’ ” — which really made me want
to see his cartoon.)

*Please see * ** for
our fairly strict rules on limerick rhyme and meter (in a nutshell:
“perfect” rhyme, and a strong “hickory-dickory-dock” rhythm in Lines 1,
2 and 5; a “dickory-dock” in Lines 3 and 4; additional unaccented
syllables on either side are fine. See about submitting
limericks there after this contest is over.

Submit entries at the website **
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Super Two-Pack
of Weirdly Shaped Soft Candy: the Candy Burger, which comprises 22
little puzzle pieces of candy that form a pretty good (visual) replica
of a Big Mac; and, for the second time, the Pet Rat, a dark-colored,
six-inch-long gummy /Rattus rattus / — although actually shaped more
like a /Rattus flattus./ The burger was donated by Kyle Hendrickson, the
rat by Melissa Yorks.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 20; *results
published Sept. 9 (online Sept. 6). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results is by Danielle Nowlin; Jesse Frankovich, David
Peckarsky and Mark Raffman all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.
Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at . “Like” Style Invitational Ink
of the Day on Facebook at ;
follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational * The Empress's weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at .

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


**In *Week 1288 *we asked for some amusing
(and fictitious) product warnings or disclaimers. Too many people to
credit quoted the White House, Fox, etc., with “Any resemblance to
actual persons or events is purely coincidental.”

4th place:

On *Roach Motel *packaging: “Roaches not included.” (Russell Beland,
Fairfax, Va.)

No cholesterol! Gummy -candy burger and rat. (Pat Myers/The Washington
3rd place:

On a *beer can: *“Asking another person to hold this container creates a
serious risk of personal injury.” (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

2nd place

/and the artificial-snowball powder:


On the *president’s Twitter page: *“May be harmful or fatal if
followed.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Slim Jim:* "Not a diet food. Nice try, Jim." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax
Station, Va.)

Not-so-fine print: Honorable mentions

*Scrapple: *“Not for oral use.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

“We’d love to be able to call ‘carmine color’ what it actually is — the
juice from squashed red bugs — but then you wouldn’t have bought
this*strawberry yogurt.*” (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)

*Car:* “Not to be used as a phone booth.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village, Md.)

*Amazon Echo: *“Every breath you take, every move you make, we’ll be
watching you. Well, technically Alexa is listening, but we can turn on
the cameras in your house, too — like the one in your laptop. Hey, nice
bathrobe!” (Cheryl Davis, Arlington, Va.)

*ED medication:* “Do not use near exposed spinning fan blades.” (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*iPad:* “May cause high-pitched whining if used near children.” (Duncan
Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*My paycheck:* “Warning: Contains peanuts.” (Jesse Frankovich, Grand
Ledge, Mich.)

“Keep away from *small children. *They are loud, messy and annoying.”
(Jesse Frankovich)

“Though *this vehicle *operates reliably on fuel that contains up to 15
percent alcohol, this does not apply to its operator.” (Frank Mann,

*Baggy flannel pajamas:* “Not guaranteed as a birth control device,
though studies have demonstrated that they are 99 percent effective.”
(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)

“The makers of *Candy Crush Saga *are in no way responsible for novels
unread, films heard of but not seen, missed meditation sessions,
undiscovered creative solutions, lost moments when you could be
visualizing a better future for yourself, or for your failure to make
genuine human contact with the stranger seated next to you. Now, get
back to Candy Crush!” (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*Camping toilet*: “Do NOT void where prohibited.” (Kevin Dopart; Chris
Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*The president: *“Caution: Contains vitriol. Irritating to the eyes,
ears and mind. Skin contact may cause discomfort. Potential global
security hazard.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“Warning: This *aircraft* could plummet from the sky, falling thousands
of feet and crashing in a fiery ball, spreading its contents over
multiple acres, but that rarely happens.” (Russell Beland)

On an*infant: *“Do not refrigerate; however, product may be spoiled
while in care of grandparents.” (Dudley Thompson)

“The *Ouija board *is not a certified investment adviser. User assumes
all financial risks.” (Susanne Pierce Dyer, Green Valley, Calif.)

*Pen: *“May not necessarily prevail in a swordfight.” (Tom Witte)

On a*Ford F-350 SuperCab pickup truck: *“Warning: This truck will not
increase penis size.” (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.)

*ED drug:* “Past performance is not a reliable indicator of future
results.” (John O’Byrne, Dublin)

*Presidential limo:* “Driver does not carry cash or valuables.” (Kevin

*Invisalign hidden braces: *“Your smileage may vary.” (Gary Crockett)

*Guide to Tautologies:* “Read this label before using.” (Duncan Stevens)

*Hefty trash bag: *“Not intended for use as a birth control device, no
matter how well endowed you think you are.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*Angel Soft toilet paper: *“We have not yet done comparison testing for
this product by wiping our butts with angels.” (Duncan Stevens)

*Bump stock: *“Please kill responsibly.” (Tom Witte)

*Plastic wrap:* “Do not use as condom; we especially want people like
you to use functional birth control.” (Kevin Dopart)

“Do not let the foregoing *disclaimer *dissuade you from having fun with
this product, which, with a little ingenuity, can be modified to make a
cool slingshot, a rockin’ dart gun, or even a neat flamethrower.
Remember, YOLO!” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*The Washington Post:* “While democracy dies in darkness, sometimes,
even with the lights on, jackasses may get elected.” (Jon Ketzner,
Cumberland, Md.)

*The Washington Post: *“If you don’t subscribe to this paper, then
democracy will die and it will be your fault. You don’t want to live
with that.” (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

“All federal, state and local income and other taxes are solely the
responsibility of the Loser . . . .” hmm, does anyone know the going
rate for dried yak vomit?” — Undisclosed runner-up, *Style Invitational*
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

*The Style Invitational:* “Contains no actual style.” (Duncan Stevens)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 13: our contest for
anagrams of movie titles. See
. *