Style Invitational Week 1288: Your results may vary—write a funny

Plus: How are dust bunnies like the World Cup? Our compare/contrast

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
by Pat Myers July 12 Email the author


(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winners of our contest to
compare/contrast any two items on the list we gave)

*“Do not let this bottle serve you as an inspiration to call your ex in
a pathetic attempt to get back together. Some very fine grapes have died
in the making of this wine. Show some respect.” *

That disclaimer, shared all over the Internet and who knows where else,
appears (in a photo, at least) on a bottle of “Soggy Bottom Boys
Sauvignon Blanc 2012.”

That particular vintage — or even the label — doesn’t seem to exist,
alas. But that doesn’t make it any less useful as an inspiration for a
contest, this one suggested by 65-time Loser Bill Spencer: *Write a
funny disclaimer or warning for some product or service, * as in the
example above that Bill showed us. Be sure not to say untrue bad things
(at least that anyone could think was real) about a particular real
person or organization; we don’t want to libel anyone.

Submit entries at the website **
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, courtesy of
Loser Nan Reiner of South Florida, a *SnoBall Battle Pack:* “Create your
own snow for all year round snowball fights.” Not only are the balls
(which you make from a bag of powder) not cold; one of the ingredients
is “Parfum (strawberry).” In Florida, you take what you can get, I
suppose. And of course you’re wondering: Is there a warning on the
package? Yup, nine lines of it, including DO NOT EAT. And it’s supposed
to be a snowball.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, July 23; *results
published Aug. 12 (online Aug. 9). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at . “Like”
Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at
; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


** Week 1284 was our perennial contest in
which the Empress put up a list of random nouns (solicited from the
Facebook group Style Invitational Devotees )
and asked you to explain how any two were similar, different or
otherwise connected. “A deck of 51 cards” led to a slew of entries about
Florida Man, Kim Jong Un or the Current Occupant “being short of a full
deck,” and to Alex Ovechkin’s smile missing something as well. And then
there were the valiant if convoluted efforts to make some connection,
like: “Oscar Wilde: Penned ‘The Importance of Being Earnest.’ Roach
Motel: Penned roaches, but also they import ants, if being earnest.”

4th place:

How is*Florida Man* like *a pound of scrapple?* Both are usually cooked
before breakfast. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Snowballs in July, donated by Florida Woman. (VAT19.COM)
3rd place:

A *Roach Motel* is like *a North Korean beach vacation: *Neither one has
ever gotten a bad review from a guest. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

2nd place and the coffee mug with a ceramic snake head inside

How the *World Cup* is different from *dust bunnies:* In the World Cup
you see Lionel Messi, and dust bunnies you see lyin’ all messy.
(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

The difference between*the print version of The Washington Post
*and*Florida Man: *I'm happy to find one of them lying on my doorstep at
5 a.m. (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.)

Wishful linking: Honorable mentions

*Dust bunnies* are often found under a bed. *Florida Man *is often found
under arrest. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The difference between an *emotional-support peacock *and *Justify’s
tail:* When the peacock’s tail is raised, it reveals one of nature’s
most beautiful sights. With the other, it’s a bit less inspiring. (Peter
Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.)

A *North Korean beach vacation: *Better not grab that poster! *Justify’s
tail: *Better not grab that posterior! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*Alex Ovechkin’s smile* and an *emotional-support peacock:* They have
approximately the same number of teeth. (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)

A *deck of 51 cards* and*Kim Jong Un’s Porta-John *each contain a least
a few deuces. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

For both the *World Cup *and a *North Korean beach vacation*, one of the
main activities is taking a dive. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The difference between the *World Cup* and *the new Duchess of Sussex
*[the former Meghan Markle]: The World Cup has floppers, while the
duchess is still a young woman. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

How are the *World Cup* and the new*Duchess of Sussex* the same? Neither
has anything to do with America anymore. (Nick Semanko, Washington)

*Dust bunnies* vs. a *North Korean beach vacation: *One’s bound to be
found under your bed, with the other, you’re found bound and underfed.
(Frank Osen)

The difference between*Kim Jong Un’s Porta-John* and *Justify’s tail:*
One is found /above/ a horse’s arse. (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.,
traveling in Japan)

The difference between *dust bunnies *and *Justify’s tail *is that my
dust bunnies are more than three years old. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

*Cold, hard facts:* Shocks. An *emotional-support peacock: *Struts.
(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

Both the *new Duchess of Sussex *and the *print version of The Post
*involve a splash of color on a whole lot of gray. (Duncan Stevens)

The new*Duchess of Sussex *and the*print Post:* You won’t find either at
Mike Pence’s lunch table. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The *print Post* vs.*a pound of scrapple:* One uses a lot of ink, the
other a lot of oink. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

*Cold, hard facts:* Dismal reality. *A Roach Motel:* Dismal realty.
(Beverley Sharp)

Neither the *Roach Motel* or *cold, hard facts *seem to have much
checking out going on. (Edward Gordon, Austin)

A *Roach Motel *vs. the *print Post: *The Post gets the job done faster.
(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

The*print Post *vs. a *Roach Motel: *You might actually find a Roach
Motel in a D.C. millennial’s kitchen. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

A *pound of scrapple *vs. *armpit hair: *You’ll never catch a European
with a pound of Scrapple. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City, Md.)

A *pound of scrapple *vs. an *emotional-support peacock:* If you’re
really hungry, I suppose you could eat the peacock. (Stephen Dudzik,
Olney, Md.)

*A pound of Scrapple* vs. *Florida Man: *The pound of scrapple has more
gray matter. (Tom Witte)

*Edible glitter:* Messy.
*The World Cup: *Messi.
*Florida Man:* Methy. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Kim Jong Un’s Porta-John *vs. an *emotional-support peacock:* One is
the UTMOST KOREAN PLACE I CAN POOP! The other is an anagram of that.
(Jesse Frankovich)

A *coffee mug with a ceramic snake head inside* vs.*Kim Jong Un’s
Porta-John: *One has a scary head sitting inside the mug; the other has
a scary mug sitting inside the head. (Cathy Lamaze, Silver Spring, Md.)

Unlike *Justify’s tail,* a *coffee mug with a ceramic snake head inside
*is going to belong to a Loser. (John Hutchins)

*Dust bunnies* and *cold, hard facts *are both easily swept under the
rug in the White House. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.; Stephen Dudzik; Frank

*Cold, hard facts* and *Florida Man:* Both are certifiable. (Jesse

*Kim Jong Un’s Porta-John* and *armpit hair:* No one has to pretend that
armpit hair smells wonderful. (Duncan Stevens)

*Kim Jong Un’s Porta-John* and a *deck of 51 cards:* You wouldn’t want
to play Go Fish with either one. (Frank Osen)

The *print Post *and *cold, hard facts*: Both are things the president
doesn’t subscribe to. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Kim Jong Un’s Porta-John* and the *print Post:* One is full of crap and
one belongs to a great leader. — D.J.T., Washington (Cindi Rae Caron,
Pawleys Island, S.C.) **

*Still running — deadline Monday, July 23: Our contest for song parodies
about the news. See *