Style Invitational Week 1286: Mind your P’s and B’s (and more)

An ‘IHOB’-inspired neologism contest. Plus winning cartoon captions.

It's a barachute! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
by Pat Myers June 28 Email the author


(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning captions for four Bob
Staake cartoons)

*Barachute: Pack one of these to ensure a soft landing when the bouncer
tosses you out of the tavern.*

*NBR: National Bubbly Radio: Specializing in good news about government
and politics. (Airs 10 minutes per day.)

*Chiladelphia: You won’t have a hot time in /this/ old town tonight. *

This week’s contest was suggested by Loser John Folse, who was inspired
by IHOP’s name change (not really, except really stupid) to IHOB to
promote the hamburgers on its menu: *Replace one or more P’s in a word,
name or multi-word term with a B or with another letter and define or
describe the result,* as in the examples above. Feel free to use it in a
funny sentence. If the word has more than one P, you may leave one
unchanged, but you can’t change the P’s into two different letters; as
with all our change-a-letter neologism contests, the humor almost always
works best when it’s clear what the original word was.

Submit entries at the website **
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, abrobos of this
week’s contest, a triangular Poo Pinata,

emblazoned with the increasingly tiresome emoji. Presumably its name
does not indicate what will be dumped on the person who cracks it open.
Donated by Kyle Hendrickson, the longtime holder of the Cantinkerous
trophy: That’s awarded each year to the Loser who has been published
most often in the Invite without ever winning first place. Kyle, with
101 blots of always-a-bridesmaid ink, is truly a loser among Losers.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, July 9; *results
published July 29 (online July 26). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
“Maim That Toon” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at . “Like”
Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at
; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

In *Week 1282*, we once again asked the
Loser Community to write captions for four Bob Staake cartoons for which
he had /nothing /

in mind — and yes, we ran this contest the week /before/ the news broke
about Scott Pruitt’s desire for a used mattress from the Trump
International Hotel

4th place

/Picture A: /The president fires yet another Cabinet member by tweet.
(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

3rd place

/Picture D: /“I need to see the papers of the two Chihuahuas who live
here.” (Frank Bruno, Columbia, Md.)

2nd place

/and the Texas Blood Crawlers candy
/ /Picture B: /“Jack, I still say a windshield and four tires for a
mattress is a bad trade!” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

/Picture C: / "Well, Mom, if I had my own phone I could call 911." (Rick
Haynes, Ocean City, Md.)

The weak in pictures: Honorable mentions


(By Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

“It’d be sort of like Uber, but for babies.” (Chuck Helwig, Centreville,

“We’re all going for worms after work. I expect you to be there.” (Frank
Mann, Washington)

“If your desk had long legs like mine, you wouldn’t be sitting down
there on your tuchus.” (Roger Dalyrmple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Ernest wasn’t happy with his watermelon bouquet from Edible
Arrangements. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

“I hunt and peck. Does that count?” (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

“I was a much prouder mascot before NBC enabled Matt Lauer.” (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)


(By Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

“I don’t care how thick it is, Scott, I’m not going to sleep on a used
mattress from THAT hotel!” (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis; Jeff Strong,
Fairfax, Va.)

“You said you were going to take the little shampoos, maybe a hand towel
. . .”  (Frank Mann)

“You’re still going too fast — Mom fell off again.” (Kenny Moore,
Rocklin, Calif.)

“I thought you said you were taking a /mistress.”/ (Warren Tanabe,
Annapolis, Md.)

Marge couldn’t believe that she let her husband buy the tofu special at
Costco. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

“I’ve met some cheap pimps in my life, but . . . curb service?” (Elliott
Jaffa, Arlington, Va.)


(By Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

“Are you sure this is how they did it on ‘Breaking Bad’?” (Mark
Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.; Kevin Dopart)

It was early in their career that the high-diving act of the Amazing
Three Wazudas became the Amazing Two Wazudas. (Drew Bennett, West
Plains, Mo.)

“Hmm, it seems nine really is the limit.” (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills,

“Daddy, why do you have hair there?” (J. Larry Schott)


(By Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

“I hate to complain, but your person keeps pooping on our lawn.”
(Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.)

“Hello, I’m here to apply for the belly masseur position.” (Jesse
Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

“I followed you home. Can you keep me?” (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)

“Welcome home! Um, before you go inside, I’d like to remind you how
uncomfortable you said those Ferragamo shoes were.” (Hildy Zampella,
Alexandria, Va.)

“Being sent to the doghouse” means something entirely different in
Beverly Hills. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

“What did you do with the door, Bailey?” (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

You can’t get elected dogcatcher in /this/ neighborhood. (Bill
Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.)

“I admit that I crossed a line. And I deeply regret calling you a
‘feckless runt.’ ” (Bill Dorner)

*PICTURES A, B, C and D:
*There’s never a good time to be told, “You’re fired.” (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park, Md.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, July 2: Our contest for funny
answers to trivia questions. See
. *