Style Invitational Week 1273: Come to our aid(e) — restocking the Cabinet

Tell us who (or what!) would be a better hire in a federal job; plus
winning ‘bank heads’

He'd probably give a better "60 Minutes" interview, too. (Bob Staake for
The Washington Post, with apologies to Matt Groening and “The Simpsons” )
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author

March 29 Email the author

Follow @patmyersTWP //

(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s winning bank headlines)

*Bart Simpson for secretary of education: He’s had 28 years of public
school experience, including much time with school boards. *

If you saw the alleged presidential magazine-spanker give a more
articulate and persuasive account of herself on “60 Minutes” last Sunday
than Education Secretary Betsy DeVos did

two weeks earlier, it might have occurred to you that, just maybe, not
every government position has been filled with the very best and very
brightest the nation has to offer.

Which brings us to this week’s contest, suggested to the Empress by
12-time Loser Chris Damm: *Explain why a particular person — or thing —
ought to fill a Cabinet post or other U.S. government position,* either
a real one or a job you think up. This is somewhat like our contest from
2008 — posted shortly after Sarah Palin was named to the GOP ticket — in
which we posted a list of random items (e.g., a moss-covered rock,
Krusty the Clown, tapioca pudding) and asked why any of them would be
qualified to be president of the United States. This time, though, you
get to choose the position as well as who might fill it.

Submit entries at the website **
(all lowercase).

If raw fish is too gross for you, you could win some fake raw human body

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of *Body
Parts Sushi Gummy Candy,*
which is exactly
that: gummy candy fashioned to look very much like pieces of sushi —
little pads of “rice” wrapped with strips of “nori,” except that instead
of a little piece of tuna or eel on top, it’s an eyeball, nose, bloody
ear, fingertip, etc. Includes chopsticks! Donated by Loser Daphne
Steinberg, who’s had it lying around for years.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, April 9; *results
published April 29 in print, April 26 online. See general contest rules
and guidelines at . The
headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich
wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational
Devotees group on Facebook at .

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses the new contest and results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at
this week the E looks back on our 2008 contest for presidential
candidates and tickets.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

In Week 1269, our perennial Mess With Our
Heads contest, we asked you to find a current headline in The Post or
elsewhere and reinterpret it by adding a bank head, or subtitle.

4th place:

*Has someone hacked your webcam? *
/Because you look pretty funny reading this in your underwear right now
/(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

3rd place:

*Mueller evidence appears to contradict Prince statement*
/Investigators found at least 1 thing that compares 2 U /(Frank Mann,

2nd place

/and the winner of ‘How to Know When You’re Dating a Loser’
*D.C.-area forecast: Some wet snowflakes possible today*
/Pipe bursts in Washington Post newsroom/ (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck,

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Luckily for world, Trump’s no Xi*
/Miss Rome says he is “at most a VII”/ (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)

Snubtitles: Honorable mentions

*Lawmaker drops bid for Bowser
to testify*
/Senator denied use of his dog as his only positive character witness
/(Margaret Welsh, Oakton, Va.)

*Pill may be able to mimic the effects of exercise *
/Trial subjects report blisters, tennis elbow after watching TV /(Jeff
Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

*2-year-old girl meets Obama: ‘She’s a queen’ *
/Betsy DeVos slams ‘failed liberal’ preschools /(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*Using the Courts to Destroy Unions*
/National Divorce Lawyers Association announces new motto/ (Steve
Honley, Washington)

*The jobs U.S. workers won’t take *
/First lady tops the list/ (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.; Ward Kay,
Vienna, Va.)

*Title hopes dashed *
/Redskins hold first preseason practice /(Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.)

*High heels are the worst, and women are finally ditching them*
/‘That jerk was always stoned,’ says ex-girlfriend /(Frank Mann)

*Rear seat retains repute as safest part of car, but not for adults,
older teens*
S/tudy points to increased pregnancy rate /(Tom Logan, Sterling, Va.,
who last got Invite ink 24 years ago)

*Surfer who fought off a shark will retire*
/Wants to spend more time fighting off his family/ (Gary Crockett, Chevy
Chase, Md.)

*What’s New in Hip and Knee Replacement?*
/Mostly just hip and knee /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

*Four-Hand Piano Concert*
/Sellout expected for guest artist from Mars /(Beverley Sharp,
Montgomery, Ala.)

*Md. court reverses database ‘mistake’*
/Transcriber didn’t know that locals pronounce ‘Baltimore’ and ‘bomber’
identically/ (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)

*Car giveaway fills the church and hearts: ‘God is amazing’*
/Oprah shows why presidency would be demotion/ (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*Rings for 1987 players*
/NFL adopts its own version of ‘participation trophy/’ (Mark Raffman,
Reston, Va.)

*Valentino’s gowns will take your breath away*
/Whalebone corsets show up again on Milan runways /(John McCooey,
Rehoboth Beach, Del.; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.; David
Peckarsky, Tucson)

*Tangled, Timeless Visions of the South*
/Brazilian Waxes Losing Popularity /(Danielle Nowlin)

*Harvey Schmidt: Composed longest-running musical in history*
/17-hour slog tested audience’s patience /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

*Interior Department forces out assistant who frequently shared
falsehoods about Obama, Clinton and minorities *
/‘Frequent’ not good enough, administration declares /(Dudley Thompson,
Cary, N.C.)

*Don’t replace . . . reface! *
/Taking surgeon friend’s advice, president decides to stick with
47-year-old Melania, on one condition/ (Steve Honley)

*Late-game execution is the difference*
/Punishment seems awfully strict for a traveling call, says Wizards
coach, but a win’s a win . . . /(Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.)

*Nats may call on Montero to back up behind plate *
/Rookie catcher keeps crouching in front of batters /(Jeff Shirley)

*Robber on bicycle struck four times this year, police say*
/‘I told him to watch out for traffic while stealing purses,’ mother
says /(Matthew Zimmer, New York)

*Tree at Mount Vernon, linked to George Washington, felled in storm *
/C’mon, George, don’t lie — we know it was you /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand
Ledge, Mich.)

S*he was beautiful /and /salty*
/Lot’s wife fondly remembered/ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*The $560 million secret behind this winning Powerball ticket*
/‘I picked the right numbers,’ area woman reveals /(Alan Duxbury,
Carlisle, Pa., a First Offender)

*Drawn by decay *
/White House tourist lines stretch for blocks /(Rob Huffman,
Fredericksburg, Va.)

*Color pairings that should be hideous are, somehow, exquisite*
/Fashion shows are SO much better on acid /(Gary Crockett)

*The end of two-wing parties*
/Host promises to triple KFC order for next Super Bowl fete /(Mark Raffman)

*Where Might Trump and Kim Jong-un Meet? Here Are Some Possibilities*
/Mordor’s Mount Doom, Dante’s Ninth Circle of Hell top list /(Lawrence
McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*Why do we understand so little about breast feeding?*
/Primary consumers too young to share their thoughts/ (Rob Wolf)

*Why I could no longer serve the president *
/“I just couldn’t keep putting ketchup on his steak!” laments agonized
waiter /(Steve Honley)

*Chances of contempt for Bannon fade in GOP probe*
/Compared with other probees, ‘we just like the big lunk,’ Ryan says
/(Ann Martin, College Park, Md.; Catherine Hagman, Silver Spring, Md.)

*Re-creating a volcanic eruption — indoors *
/The easy way to do a colonoscopy prep /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

*Hicks to step down as communications director*
/Cletus and Jethro Jenkins shared WH job, will return to selling
moonshine /(Elden Carnahan)

*Feeling low is depressingly common in U.S*.
Below-the-belt groping incidents increasing, study finds (Chris Doyle)

*‘I wonder: Am I wanted?’*
Fugitives can’t resist looking for their portraits on post office walls
(Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

/And Last: / *Mess With Our Heads*
/Lettuce isn’t just for salad anymore — try these new recipes/ (Matthew

*Still running — deadline Monday night, April 2: Our contest for
creative curses. *

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