Style Invitational Week 1271: Yodel his praises

A neologism contest in honor of Chris Doyle’s 2,000th ink. Plus
winning bad ideas for product spokesmen.

With 2,000 blots -- now 2,003 -- of Style Invitational ink, Chris Doyle
now has almost 500 more than the second-place Loser. (Karen Bracey)
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers Email the author

March 15 Email the author

Follow @patmyersTWP //

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning bad ideas for company

Last week, The Style Invitational marked a milestone the Empress never
dreamed of reaching — literally, there was no dream — way back when: our
25th anniversary. And also last week, it turns out, something equally
once-unthinkable happened: Chris Doyle scored his 2,000th blot of Invite

In July 2004, Chris became the fourth member of the Invite Hall of Fame
with his 500th printed entry, even though he hadn’t started entering in
earnest till 2000, our eighth year.

In the ensuing years, Hurricane Chris continued to storm across the
columns of the Invite, leaving a trail of ink of every shade, but mostly
in wordplay: neologisms, limericks, song parodies, just plain jokes. In
2009 the retired chief actuary of the Defense Department joined Russell
Beland in the rarefied 1K Club, reached his 1,500th in 2013, passed the
retired Beland’s 1,523 a few months later — and has been the
Invitational’s most-lauded Loser ever since. (Come back, Russ, try to
catch up!) Along the way, Chris has won this contest outright
/fifty-seven/ times and has been a runner-up /one hundred sixty-six/
times. (Yes, he’s been declining the trophies and other prizes for years.)

We honor Chris’s 2K with a contest — and of course he can enter it along
with you: *This week: Coin a new word or phrase that contains the
letters D, O, Y, L and E,* in any order, and define it; those letters
may be in any order and have other letters, spaces, etc., between them,
but they must include all five letters. Feel free to use your term in a
sentence if that makes your entry funnier.

Our prize in honor of Offensive Stereotype Day (March Division).

Submit entries at the website **
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. And in honor of Mr. Doyle’s heritage,
and of course Saint Patrick’s Day, second place wins an offensively
stereotypical ball cap
“Irish Drinking Cap!”: Inset into the brim is a bottle opener. Donated
by Loser Matt Monitto — who bought it in Ireland. (Mr. Doyle is actually
a fiend for Diet Coke.)

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, March 26; *results
published April 15 in print, April 12 online. See general contest rules
and guidelines at . The
headline for this week’s results is by Beverley Sharp; Jesse Frankovich
and Duncan Stevens both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join
the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/; / get the Style Invitational
Ink of the Day graphic at

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column —
published late Thursday, March 15 — discusses the new contest and
results. This week: *a Q&A with Chris Doyle. * ** Check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

**In *Week 1267,* inspired by that
OMG-what-were-they-thinking commercial that shilled Ram Trucks with a
voice-over sermon by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., we asked for
tasteless (or otherwise bad) ideas for celebrity product spokespeople,
living or not, real or fictional. Very fortunately, you won’t be seeing
any of these during the Super Bowl.

4th place:

*Charles Manson for the Beatles’ White Album*: “It’s inspirational!”

(Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

3rd place:

*Steve Bannon for Neutrogena *skin care products: “I don’t use them.”
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

2nd place

/and the steak-motif socks
/ *Dan Snyder for the Museum of the American Indian:* “Heap big Injun
museum here in D.C. You like plenty good.” (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Richard Spencer for Christian Louboutin* high heels: “Choos

will not replace us!” (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

Pitched: Honorable mentions

*Benedict Cumberbatch for Imodium AD:* “No diarrhea, Sherlock!” (Kevin
Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.)

*Carly Rae Jepsen for the American Telemarketing Association:* “Don’t
worry — we’re definitely going to call you
.” (Darren Timothy,
Bristow, Va., whose last blot of ink was in 2005)

*Laura Ingraham for Depends: *“Justpull up and dribble
(Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

*Lizzie Borden for Husqvarna chain saws:* “Forty whacks? Why?” (Rob
Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

*Stormy Daniels for Hershey’s: *“First the Kisses, and then the PayDay!
Sweeet!” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*Stormy Daniels for Forbes Magazine*: “Withthis magazine in my hands,

I was able to increase my income by $130,000!” (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton,

*Al Franken for Allstate:* “The good-hands people, reaching out just for
you!” (Mark Raffman)

*Antwan Wilson
the D.C. Lottery*: “Anyone can win! [wink, wink].” (Nan Reiner)

*Satan for Prada:* “I wear it.” (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

*Sleeping Beauty for Folgers Coffee:* “The best part of waking up — and
a heck of a lot better than some prince with his tongue in my mouth.”
(Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio)

*Colin Kaepernick for Anthem: *“I would never stand for bad health
insurance.” (Bill Dorner)

*Danielle Steel for Comcast: *“She had waited longingly and then
impatiently as the end of her four-hour window approached, but now he
was here in front of her, his tawny hair dropping seductively across his
forehead, to service her. As he approached, she reached out and stroked
the long, hard cable that protruded from the den wall . . . ” (Warren
Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

*Steven Mnuchin for Depends: *“When trickle-down becomes more than a
theory.” (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)

*Anthony Weiner for Libby’s Vienna Sausages:* “Hey, there’s nothing
wrong with sharing these!” (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)

*Rod Blagojevich for the Boy Scouts: *“Always follow the Golden Rule. If
you have something that’s effing golden, then you don’t give it away for
effing nothing.” (Jeff Hazle)

*Charles Manson for Applebee’s: *“We treat you like family.” (Larry
McClemons, Annandale, Va.)

*Chris Christie for FEMA’s hurricane preparedness program*: “Everybody
(else) off the damn beach!” (John McCooey)

*Dolly Parton for the Tata Nano: *“Tiny car, full-sized cup holders.”
(David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

*Dick Cheney for Halliburton: *“Get a piece of Iraq.” (Chris Doyle,
Denton, Tex.)

*Donald Trump for Tic Tac: *“Grab a handful today — and you’ll feel you
can do anything.” (Seth Tucker, Washington)

*J.K. Simmons for the NSA: * “We know a thing or two

because we’ve seen a thing or two.” (Gary Crockett)

*George Foreman for PETA: *“Uh, sure. You can cook veggies on my grill.”
(John Folse, Bryans Road, Md.)

*Fergie for Singer sewing machines:* “Only a true Singer can keep you in
stitches — “Oh, oh say can you sew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew . . . ”

(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

*George W. Bush for The Washington Post:* “Demography dies in darkery.”
(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

*Bill Cosby for Disney World: *“Mickey makes it fun.” (Kevin Dopart,

*Donald Trump for Tampax:* “If you get as bothered as I do about what’s
coming from your wherever, grab yourself a box of these! (Danielle
Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

*Jesus for Smith & Wesson: *“Blessed are the peacemakers.“ (George
Wright, Rockville, Md., who got his sole other blot of ink in 1998)

*Logan Paul for Nike: * “Just do it.”
(Matthew Zimmer, New York)

*Lorena Bobbitt for Acme Trash Removal:* “We’ll take away your junk!”
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)

*Odetta for Colonoscopy Associates:* “This little light of mine, I’m
gonna let it shine . . . ” (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

*Marion Barry for Coca-Cola:* “Stings go better with Coke.” (Marcy Alvo,
Annandale, Va.)

*Melania Trump for Preparation H. *“Believe me, nobody knows more about
how uncomfortable it can be to live with an irritating ass.” (Dave Airozo)

*Bill Maher for Coca-Cola:* “Have a Coke and a smirk.” (Phil
Frankenfeld, Washington)

*Trump attorney Michael Cohen for Midas mufflers:* “When silence is
worth it.” (Seth Tucker)

*Rosa Parks for the Porsche 944: *“Who needs back seats anyhow?” (Rob

*Martin Luther for Post-it Big Pads: *“No more unsightly nail holes in
church doors.” (Chris Doyle)

*Wilt Chamberlain for Posturepedic mattresses:* “For a good night’s —
heh heh — sleep.” (Rob Huffman)

*Gene Weingarten for Men’s Wearhouse:* “You’re gonna lookthe way I look.

(John Kupiek, Fairfax, Va.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, March 19: our contest for
five-line poems. See .*

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