Week 1270: The Invite turns 5 x 5

*Tupac? Red Baron?* *
Dead at twenty-five. * *
More sensational? * *
Invitational — * *
Somehow still alive! *
   — the deposed Czar of The Style Invitational

On Sunday, March 7, 1993, Washington Post readers turned to Page 2 of
the Style section and discovered a new, oddish-looking feature
the top left corner. “Introducing The Style Invitational,” the headline
said. “Week 1.” There was no byline, and no other hello from its
anonymous author before it launched into its first contest: to come up
with a new name for the Washington Redskins. A couple of faux-crude
cartoons offered examples: the Washington Rotundas, the Washington
GS-11. First prize: a Timex Ironman Triathlon watch, like the one
sometimes worn by President Clinton. Totally coincidentally, that same
watch was excoriated in that very same Style section — as “thick as a
brick and handsome as a hernia” — in an essay
the section’s new Sunday editor, timepiece connoisseur Gene Weingarten.

(The watch-winner, announced two weeks later,

was one Douglas Miller: “The Baltimore Redskins. No, don’t move the
team, just change the name. Let Baltimore worry about it.”)

The Washington Redskins are still here, with the same stupid name. And,
25 years later, so is The Style Invitational, with /its/ same stupid
name. (But we posit that we’ve been far more successful, even though
we’re also full of Losers.) The Empress deposed the original Czar more
than 14 years ago, but occasionally trots him out for guest appearances.

For our No. 2 winner, emoji pillow and slippers. (Pat Myers/The
Washington Post )

How to commemorate 25 years of Inviting? The E received various contest
ideas, and we’re going with this one from Hall of Fame Loser Kevin
Dopart, in honor of our dozens of light-verse contests dating back to
Week 12. Kevin suggested that we play on the 25 — or 5 squared. *This
week: Write a witty poem, on any subject, in any of these forms:
* ** *A. Five lines of five syllables each,* as in the example above; *
B. Five lines of five words each.* (Hyphenated terms may count as either
one or two words.)
*C. Five lines of iambic pentameter, * or ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM

Rhymes are not required, though spot-on rhyming is clever and we’re a
contest about cleverness, so “perfect rhymes”
tend to get
more ink. We’re also fond of humor about current events, though we’re
willing to go off-topical as well.

Submit entries at the website *wapo.st/enter-invite-1270*
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a little poop
emoji pillow, donated by Jeff Contompasis, /and/ a pair of poop emoji
slippers, donated by Dave Prevar.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, March 19; *results
published April 8 in print, April 5 online. See general contest rules
and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The
headline “Scrabble Rousers” was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jon
Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join
the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/on.fb.me/invdev ./ Also on Facebook: Style
Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday .

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
the new contest and results. This week: some favorite winners,
particularly from the past five years. Especially if you might enter
this week’s contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv

beginning late Thursday afternoon, March 8.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .
Once again, we offered up several dozen seven-letter “racks”
from the ScrabbleGrams word game and invited
the Loser community to find words in them — real ones or new ones — of
five to all seven letters.

Many people rearranged EILSSTY to describe
Invite addicts: *STYLIES.*

4th place:

DEILRVY —>*D-LIVERY*: Low-grade package service for when it absolutely,
positively doesn’t have to be there overnight. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

3rd place:

LLMPPUY —>*UMPLY: *Smugly adhering to the rules: “ ‘No, I’m afraid you
can’t build a hotel on Water Works,’ Joe declared umply.” (Sara Jay,
Churchville, Md.)

2nd place

/and the book “How to Poo on a Date”
/ADEILRV —> *LIARED: *Hired a press secretary. “Trump immediately liared
up after the election.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

AAALWYY —> *LAYAWAY:* A payment plan that reportedly costs $130,000.
(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

The tile floor: Honorable mentions

AAALWYY —> *LAW-YAYA: *An inexperienced, incompetent attorney, “Got
busted for DUI and they put some law-yaya on my case.” (Bird Waring,
Larchmont, N.Y.)

AAALWYY —> *YAY, A LAW!: *A cheer you rarely hear in Congress anymore.
(Frank Mann, Washington)

AAILLNV —> *ANVILLA:* A timeshare that quickly becomes a financial
burden. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

AAILLNV —> *ANVILLA:* Iron-enriched ice cream flavor. (Kevin Mettinger,
Warrenton, Va.)

AAILLNV —>*NILLA, VA:* The whitest D.C. suburb. (J. Larry Schott, West
Plains, Mo.)

AAILLNV —> *VAINAL:* Susceptible to bribery, but even more to flattery.
(Frank Mann)

ABELNRY —>*LYE BRAN:* Breakfast of masochists. (Karen Van Buren, Los
Altos, Calif.)

ACCEPRY —> *YE CRAP:* What Henry VIII called people from “chamber pot
countries.” (Jesse Frankovich)

ACEMNOR —>*MANCORE:* One way or the other, a six-pack. (Matt Monitto,
Bristol, Conn.)

ACEMNOR —> *ENORMAC:* Ten all-beef patties . . . (Jesse Frankovich)

ACEMNOR —> *O-MANCE:* Porn. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

ADEILRV —>*LAVDIRE:* Urgency involving bodily functions. “I know it’s
the side of the road, but pull over! It’s lavdire!” (John Shea,

ADEILRV —> *ADRIVEL:* Rambling into inanity. “The senator’s filibuster
speech quickly went adrivel.” (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

ADEILRV —> *ADVILE:* A medication /way/ past its sell-by date. (Beverley
Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

ADEILRV —> *DRIVEAL:* Meaningless slogans used to sell cars. “Love, it’s
what makes a Subaru a Subaru” — pure driveal. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring)

ADEILRV —> *DR VILE:* Larry Nassar’s vanity plate. (Michele Uhler, Fort
Washington, Md.)

ADEILRV —> *VLADIER:* More vampiric. “No way Christopher Lee was Vladier
than Bela!” (John Shea)

AEEEGNT —> *GEE-NEAT: *Minnesotan for “$#!+, yeah.” (Paul Wilmes,
Minneapolis; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

AEEEGNT —> *GENE TEA: *Euphemism for what is stored in sperm banks.
(Jeff Shirley, Richmond)

AEELTVW —> *EEL TV: *This Discovery Channel special didn’t quite match
the ratings of Shark Week. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

AELTTUX —> *TEALTUX:* The height of fashion at my prom in 1979. (Ward
Kay, Vienna, Va.)

AELTTUX —> *LATUX:* What you wear to the Rubber Fetish Ball. (Lee
Graham, Germantown, Md.)

AEPRRTU —>*PURR-TEA:* Cuddly name for cat urine. “Oh, did Tabby spray a
little purr-tea on your coat?” (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.)

AEGINRV —>*VEIN RAG:* The last thing you want to hear your doc ask for
as you go under anesthesia. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

DEEFHLU —> *HUD-FEEL:* Lack of empathy for people one is supposed to
protect. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

DEEFHLU —>*FEEL DUH:* What you do before smacking your head. (Chris
Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

DEFGITY —> *DEFIG:* What Eve did when she got playful with Adam. (Jesse

DEFGITY —> *DEFIT:* What Thanksgiving and Christmas can do to your
clothes. (Drew Bennett)

DHILNOP —> *LOIN PHD:* A highly qualified prostitute. (Duncan Stevens,
Vienna, Va.)

FIMNORS —> *MS NOIR*: That dame you can’t forget, the one who blows
smoke rings in your face. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

EEGLNOZ —> *LEG ZONE:* On Spirit Airlines, it’s the area under your
chin. (Janelle Gibb, Rockville Md.)

EEGLNOZ —> *LEG ZONE: *Located somewhere south of the Canal Zone.
(Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.)

EEGLNOZ —>*LEGO ZEN: *A sect whose test of faith is walking barefoot
across a second-grader’s playroom. (Chris Doyle)

ELNOSSW —>** *OWLESS:* Describes your child’s boo-boo once you kiss it.
(Chris Doyle)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, March 12: our Mess With Our
Heads bank head contest. See wapo.st/invite1269.