Style Invitational Week 1264: A cry for Yelp

Write creative joke-reviews for any place — plus the winning
predictions for 2018

Three stars for the ambiance at San Quentin. (Bob Staake for The
Washington Post)
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

January 25


(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning “year in preview”
predictions for 2018)

*And if you visit H-Unit, consider that bus ride a mini tour!! I don’t
know what it is up and to the right as you pass the North Block, but the
cement artwork is cool! . . . Way too much tall fencing and barbed wire
for my tastes . . .* — From an actual 3-of-5-star Yelp review
a visitor to San Quentin prison

This week’s contest was suggested by Alex Blackwood, who helps out the
Empress with the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. Alex had
just read a negative review of a local doughnut shop by someone who’d
tried to order a salad. But she also noted that people post reviews —
including ridiculous ones — on for lots more than restaurants.
*This week’s contest: Write a humorous review, positive or negative, of
anyplace (real or fictional) one might visit.* Still, don’t write
anything harmfully inaccurate about the place — talking about the
roaches at a specific restaurant, for example.

Place second and you'll win this dangerous bacterium. (Pat Myers/The
Washington Post )

Submit up to 25 entries at the website **
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cute, cuddly
plush /E. coli,/

donated by Loser Elizabeth Molyé, who, /despite being Norwegian/, walked
right into the Losers’ Post-Holiday Party this month carrying a deadly

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our new
lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better”
“IDiot Card.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 5; *results
published Feb. 25 (online Feb. 22). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results is by Kevin Dopart; Jon Gearhart wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group
on Facebook at / ./ “Like” Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at
; follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
the new contest and results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it
out at
This week: Dave Barry’s five faves among this week’s inking entries.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

**For *Week 1260* we asked you to contribute
to this timeline of We Hope Not (For the Most Part) Future Events.
Unless the date is relevant to the “prediction,” the Empress just put
one in at random.

4th place

*April 28:* In the seventh round, the Minnesota Vikings draft an end
zone choreographer out of Juilliard. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

3rd place

*Feb. 2: *Punxsutawney Phil predicts an early end to winter. The White
House immediately accuses him of “promoting a fake global-warming
agenda” and cancels Groundhog Day. (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

2nd place

/and the applause gadget

*April 29: *Following the administration’s decision to shrink the Bears
Ears National Monument by 85 percent, Navajo elders rename it Trumps
Hands Park. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Oct. 12: *Columbus, Ohio, renames itself Genocidal European, Ohio.
(Steve Honley, Washington)

Blech to the future: Honorable mentions

*Jan. 29: *Dethroning religion, opioids officially become the opiate of
the masses. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

*Jan. 30: *Michael Wolff reveals that during the second Women’s March in
Washington, Trump asked, “Is it okay if I grab one of those hats?”
(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

*Feb. 5:* Roy Moore announces plans to enter the seminary and eventually
serve in the Boston archdiocese. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

*Feb. 12:* Vice President Pence condemns the Olympic biathlon as
deviant. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

*Feb. 13:* Fat Tuesday is officially renamed Your Mama Tuesday. (Jesse
Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

*Feb. 22:* Hackers break into the president’s Twitter account, posting
dozens of sensible tweets before the White House regains control.
(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

*March 4: *The Empress commemorates the 25th anniversary of The Style
Invitational by putting together a “silver” prize package consisting of
a foil hat, a fork with one tine, and a box of used staples. (Jesse

*March 27: *Jennifer Garner discovers that what’s in her wallet is 25
percent less than what’s in Samuel L. Jackson’s wallet. (Ward Kay,
Vienna, Va.)

*April 1: *President Trump tweets: “I am not a fool. In fact I am, like,
the unfooliest person I know.” (John O’Byrne, Dublin)

*April 5: *At the Nationals’ home opener, the president tweets, “My
first pitch was the BEST and MOST ACCURATE pitch ever thrown on a Major
League mound.” Nats pitchers spend the evening trying to prove him
right. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

*April 20:* A blaze at a California pot farm is battled with help from
70,000 nearby volunteer firefighters. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*April 20: *Hours after receiving a gift of brownies from Colorado, Jeff
Sessions is found wrapped in his office drapes, clutching a box of Cap’n
Crunch and murmuring, “I have always depended on the kindness of
strangers.” (Frank Osen)

*April 26: *Kim Jong Un’s latest Trump insults — “jaundiced lackwit,”
“scrofulous bile factory” and “golf-cheating fossil” — are revealed to
have been ghostwritten by George Will, Joe Scarborough and Dana Milbank.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*May 5:* For the first time, the Kentucky Derby is won by a self-driving
horse. (Jesse Frankovich)

*May 10: *Trump nominates Roy Moore for the U.S. Supreme Court,
effective “the minute the next one keels over.” (Maggie Haring,
Leesburg, Va., a First Offender)

*May 12:* Meghan Markle hires Mary Berry
to bake the
royal wedding cake. An embittered Paul Hollywood describes it as “dry
and flavourless—overall a bad bake.” (Bill Dorner)

*May 20: *As a stream of Russian prostitutes comes forward, the #peetoo
hashtag trends on Twitter. (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.)

*June 14:* Trump installs kneelers in the Cabinet room to add visual pop
to his monthly praise-athons. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.)

*June 23: *The position of U.S. poet laureate is filled by a young lass
from Nantucket. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.)

*July 15: *The White House proceeds with its plan to drill for oil in
Donald Trump Jr.’s hair. (John Hutchins)

*July 20: *Fox News reinstates Bill O’Reilly after discovering that all
his accusers were women. (Jesse Etelson, Rockville, Md.)

*July 24: *Purple Line construction is delayed yet again when Montgomery
and Prince George’s counties can’t agree on whether it should be closer
to lavender or fuchsia. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*July 30:* Following Mexico’s surprise declaration that it will pay for
a wall along the U.S. border, Canada announces that it will pay for one,
too. (Frank Osen)

*Aug. 1:* Miss Piggy tweets: #MeToo. (Stephen Dudzik)

*Aug. 2:* Disney announces 53 more stand-alone films about Star Wars
characters, culminating with “That Blue Elephant-Looking Thing That
Plays the Keyboard in Jabba’s Palace: A Star Wars Story.” (Kurt Stahl,
Frederick, Md.)

*Aug 8: *House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes reveals that
Robert Mueller once said “hello” to Hillary Clinton. In person! (Jesse

*Aug. 13: *Having run out of things to reveal, Kim Kardashian undergoes
a procedure rendering her skin totally transparent so that her internal
organs are on display for all to see. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*Sept. 9:* Congress enacts the National Thoughts and Prayers Act to
combat gun violence. (Mark Raffman)

*Sept. 15:* To rebut claims that the president is not intelligent, Sarah
Huckabee Sanders reveals that President Trump, unsatisfied with existing
translations of Maimonides into Latin and Hebrew, is secretly working on
his own translations to better understand the philosopher’s influence on
Aquinas. (Robert Schechter)

*Sept. 19: *The Cleveland Browns are mathematically eliminated from
playoff contention. (Mark Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.)

*Sept. 22:* Roy Moore is named coach of the U.S. women’s gymnastics
team. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*Oct. 14: *Sarah Huckabee Sanders is alarmed but unhurt after
spontaneous combustion of pants. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

*Oct. 25: *Paul Ryan releases his new book for senior citizens, “Just
Die(t),” with 365 daily tips to help those on fixed incomes support our
struggling billionaire class. “Tip 25: Instead of buying newspapers to
stuff in your worn-out shoes, go to your local library and rip some
pages from the Fake News Washington Post.” (Wes Merchant, Frederick,
Md., a First Offender)

*Nov. 6:* Democrats sweep to congressional majority in 2018 midterms,
promptly begin proceedings to shoot selves in foot. (Danielle Nowlin)

*Nov. 7: *Trump tweets, “I backed the Dems in the midterms all along.”
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

*Nov. 7:* Controversy erupts after, according to voting-machine results,
every 2018 congressional race is won by Vladimir Putin. In response,
Trump demands investigations of Hillary Clinton’s email server. (Duncan

*Nov. 22:* The Thanksgiving turkey pardons Donald Trump. (Mark Raffman)

*Dec. 7: *President Trump mocks Kim Jong Un after the latest North
Korean missile overshoots the continental U.S. and lands harmlessly in
the Atlantic Ocean. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Dec. 10:* Roy Moore announces his candidacy for governor of Alabama,
calling the state “pretty” and promising to “show it a good time.”
(Duncan Stevens)

*Dec. 31: * After reading only one selected page of The Washington Post,
Trump tweets: “The Post admits all their writers are LOSERS, just as I
had been saying. So sad!” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 29: our contest to pair
sports team abbreviations. See

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