Style Invitational Week 1258: The year in redo (Part 2) — our
retrospective contest
Now you can enter any of the past 6 months’ contests. Plus ‘Purger
King’ and other altered business names.
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers
Entertainment
December 14
//
(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winners of the contest to
change a business name by one letter)
/Winner of Week 1251, things to be thankful for: /
* I’m thankful that Harvey won’t ever be grabbing me again. — Oscar
*(John O’Byrne)
/Winner of Week 1248, (un)true confessions:/
*I cut my tofu into animal shapes. I usually eat the heads first.* (Rob
Huffman)
We continue our little wallow in quickie nostalgia with our annual
retrospective contest, now spread across two weeks. Last week the
Empress invited you to enter the Week 1203-1229 contests; this week it’s
the more recent six months: *Enter (or reenter) any Style Invitational
contest from Week 1230 through Week 1254 *(there were no new contests
for Weeks 1233-34). This group includes such Invite faves as limericks,
cartoon captions and song parodies (about science), as well as more
novel contests like a dialogue of a Creator designing some creature. You
may enter multiple contests as long as you don’t submit more than 25
entries in all. For contests asking you to use that week’s paper, use
papers and online articles dated Dec. 14-26. You may refer to events
that took place after the original contest ran, and you may resubmit
non-inking entries from earlier contests.
Jeff Contompasis shows off his skills at Nose Aerobics Basketball, this
week's second prize. (M.K. Phillips)
*How to find all these contests:* If you subscribe to The Post — and you
certainly should — you can go to *washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational*
and scroll through the descriptions of all these contests, and select
one, or two, or 25, as far back as Week 1230. Or, if you don’t
subscribe: Go to the Losers’ own website, *nrars.org, *
click on *“Master Contest List,”* and scroll down to
Weeks 1230-54. Click on the “E” icon for the online version of the
week’s contest, or the “WP” for the print version.
With either method, check the results of that week’s contest (usually
four weeks later) to make sure your idea didn’t already get ink.
/Please/ give the week number of the contest you’re using. *See this
week’s Style Conversational column at wapo.st/conv1258
(published late Thursday afternoon) for more
guidance* for this week’s contest.
Submit entries at the website *wapo.st/enter-invite-1258*
(all lowercase) — *NOT the entry
forms for* *those old contests. *
Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,
* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives another of one of
the Empress’s fave li’l prizes of recent years: It’s the *Nose Aerobics
basketball game,* in which you wear a pair of lensless nerd-eyeglasses
from which a little arm sticks out; at the end of the arm are a
two-inch-high basket and, attached to that, a tiny string and a little
plastic basketball. Our 2014 winner of this prize, Jeff Contompasis,
became expert at shaking his head around
in
just the right way so that the ball would fly into the basket, a skill
he displayed repeatedly in the middle of a restaurant during one of our
monthly Loser Brunches. This game, like the previous one, was donated by
Loser Nan Reiner.
*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
or
“Magnum Dopus.”
First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink
for their first ink). *Deadline is Tuesday night, Dec. 26;* results
published Jan. 14 (online Jan. 11). See general contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline
for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group
on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday
; follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .
*PUNNY BUSINESS: THE TWEAKED COMPANY NAMES OF WEEK 1254*
In *Week 1254* we asked you to change the name
of a business by (a) adding a letter; (b) dropping a letter; (c)
switching two letters; or (d) substituting another letter.
Lots of
entertaining names among some 2,200 entries; many people described “Hole
Foods” as the place to go for doughnuts, Swiss cheese, Cheerios, etc.
The prize looks just as lovely on women, as the Empress demonstrates.
(But she was terrible at shaking the ball into the cup.) (Mark Holt)
4th place:
*MeDonald’s:* You want lies with that? (Beryl Benderly, Washington)
3rd place:
*Bannon Yogurt:* Naturally uncultured! (Jeff Loren, Seattle)
2nd place
and the motorcycling-cow glitter globe
:
*Swearovski: *The jewelry you give her along with the promise never to
do that thing again. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.)
And the winner of the Lose Cannon:
*In-No-Out Burger:* A fast-food restaurant for cats. (Danielle Nowlin,
Fairfax Station, Va.)
Brands X’ed: Honorable mentions
*Panerd: * Serving complete out-to-lunches. (David Wolinsky, Frederick,
Md., a First Offender)
*Burger Kin:* It’s /kind / //of like meat . . . (Steve McClemons,
Arlington)
*Burger Kink:* Have it your way. (Nick Semanko, Washington)
*Purger King:* “One Whopper, coming up!” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery,
Ala.)
*P-P Boys: *They’ll replace your hoses at this walk-in urology clinic.
(David Patch, Toledo)
*Peep Boys:* They’ll just take a quick look under your hood. (Dion E.
Black, Washington)
*Aer Dingus:* A.k.a. Air Force One. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
*Philip Mortis:* Maker of coffin nails since 1847. (John O’Byrne, Dublin)
*Equilax:* We’ve made getting your credit report so easy, anyone can do
it! (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.)
*Brooks Brothels:* The nation’s most distinguished un-clothier since
1818. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
*Build-a-Beer Workshop: *Where Dad asked to have his birthday party this
year. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Sean Bender-Prouty, Arlington,
Va., a First Offender)
*Build-a-Fear Workshop:* Our campaign consultants can help you push
voters’ buttons. (Mandy Worley, Washington)
*Capital Gone:* What used to be in your wallet? (Jerome Uher,
Alexandria, Va.)
*Charles Schwa:* “We take the stress out of investing.” (Jesse
Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)
*Five Guts:* Fast-food chitterlings, tripe, andouillette, haggis and hog
maw. (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.)
*Five Goys:* Worst bagels in town. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.)
*FeudEx:* When that SOB absolutely, positively has to get what’s coming
to him overnight. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
*Restoration Lardware:* Your clothes’ waistlines expanded by expert
tailors. (Dave Prevar)
*Pollo by Ralph Lauren:* Rotisserie chickens for $30 a pop. (John
Hutchins, Silver Spring. Md.)
*Nuder Armour: *For when compression shirts aren’t revealing enough.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
*Sorta: *Maker of the Imperfect Sleeper mattress. (Dave Prevar)
*Almart:* “Drop in when you want to grab something and run.” — A.
Franken, proprietor (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
*Alt Disney World:* Where all the characters are snow white. (Dave
Matuskey, Sacramento)
*Tact Bell:* “This burrito — well, let’s just say that everyone in the
kitchen tried their best.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
*Iffy Lube:* Sure, they may dump off-brand cooking oil into your car,
but it’s cheap /and /they vacuum your floor mats. (Hildy Zampella, Falls
Church, Va.)
*Fruit of the Loo:* A breakthrough in recycled fiber! (Mark Raffman,
Reston, Va.)
*Guber: *Rural areas need rides, too. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.)
*Untied Airlines: *No seat belts, so it’s easier to drag you off the
plane. (Steve McClemons)
*Kea:* Car in a box — assemble it yourself! (Tom Panther, Sharps, Va.)
*Duncan Hanes:* Makers of the finest edible underwear. (Duncan Stevens)
*Fannie Made:* DIY art store specializing in big “Butt-R-Fly” prints.
(Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)
*JC Zenney:* For all your Christo-Buddhist needs. (Ed Edwards, Worcester
Park, England)
*L’Ordeal:* The 20-step hair-color system — it’s not worth it. (Suvinay
Subramanian, Cambridge, Mass., a First Offender)
*Office Despot:* You will buy this stapler and you will like it. (Joanne
Free, Clifton, Va.)
*T.M.I. Friday’s: *Along with the daily specials, your servers tell you
about their bowel movements and yeast infections. (Jesse Frankovich)
*Toes R Us:* A prosthetic specialty shop. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)
*Southest Airlines: *Flying out of our hub in Antarctica. (Drew Bennett,
West Plains, Mo.)
*Storbucks: *On every corner in the Cayman Islands. (Michael Rolfe, Cape
Town, South Africa)
*Trader Poe’s:* Goods worth raven about — at prices nevermore than our
competitors! (Douri Moura, Chico, Calif.)
*Victoria’s Secrete:* Nursing bras can be attractive, too. (Stephen
Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
*The Mensa Wearhouse: * “You’ll like how smart you look.” (Jesse Frankovich)
*Abercrombie and Filch:* Fashion-forward clothing that shoplifts itself.
(Warren Tanabe)
*National Trifle Association:* Eh, what’s one more mass shooting? (Matt
Monitto)
*Chaste Bank:* Nobody can touch our rates. (Kyle Hendrickson)
*Costmo:* The rich people’s big-box store. (Ed Edwards)
*Accidental Petroleum: * “And then one day, Jed was shooting at some
food, and up from the ground . . .” (Jerome Uher)
/And Last:/ *PayPat:* How do you think the Empress gets her bribe money?
(Kyle Hendrickson)
*Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 18: our contest to enter
Weeks 1203-1229. See wapo.st/invite1257 . *