Style Invitational Week 1255: Tour de Fours XIV — SANT is coming

Plus the winning ‘things to be thankful for’ from Week 1251

Insanta Claus! (Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

November 22


(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning Things to Be Thankful For)

IN*SANT*A CLAUS: *Mr. Kringle, it’s cold out — please put your boots
back on!*

GYM*NAST*INESS: *Whoa, it’s not nice to spit on the tumbling mat . . . *

KAKI*STAN*​: *A country ruled by its least qualified citizens
. (Location unknown. Okay,

Tour de Fours is an annual Invitational contest almost as old as the
Empress’s reign, run each time with a different set of four letters:
*Coin a word or multi-word term that contains the letter block S-A-N-T
*(since the results will run right before Christmas) and describe it, as
in the examples above; *the letters may be in any order, but there may
be no other letters between them* (you may insert a space or hyphen).
You might include a funny example of how the term would be used; that’s
how you’d beat out another Loser who thought up the same term.

"Bath fizzies," a Christmas Pickle ornament and lumps of fake coal: It's
our 2nd-prize Holiday Gift Pack. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post )

Submit entries at this website: **
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — maybe but
probably not in time for Christmas — this special *Invite Holiday Pack
*containing (a) a two-piece gift set of bath “fizzies” spelling out
“HO,” which the Empress snapped up immediately at a yard sale; (b) a
“Christmas Pickle” ornament, alleged to be an old German tradition in
which whoever finds the pickle on the Christmas tree gets to open the
first present, though alas, it seems actually to have been thought up by
an American marketer; and (c) a little red bag containing some pieces of
fake coal, a promotion for some long-ago movie — and one piece of real

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”

Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
“Magnum Dopus.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 4; results
published Dec. 24 (online Dec. 21). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
“Thanksgoofing” was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich;
Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at ; follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

**Just in time for Thanksgiving — or, for our print-edition readers,
just in time to be too late for Thanksgiving — in *Week 1251
* we asked you to tell us things to be
thankful for.

4th place:

I’m thankful that turkey breasts don’t have nipples. (Kel Nagel,
Salisbury, Md.)

3rd place

I’m thankful for the tax cuts we'll be getting, because life can be
unsettling if you don’t know where your next billion is coming from.
(Nancy Provorny, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)

2nd place

and the plush roast-turkey hat
I’m thankful that you can’t smell Twitter. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

I’m thankful that Harvey won’t ever be grabbing me again. — Oscar (John
O’Byrne, Dublin)

No merci: Honorable mentions

I am thankful that Google doesn’t ask, “Why do you want to know?” (Mark
Raffman, Reston, Va.)

. . . for family! What, someone already said “family” Damn you all.
You suck. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

. . . that the president’s bone spurs didn’t keep him from going to
Vietnam this time. (Paul E. Milligan, Columbia, Md., a First Offender)

. . . that Ken Burns hasn’t made a documentary about the Hundred Years’
War. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

. . . that I live in a country where anyone can grow up to be
president. In fact, you don’t even NEED to grow up! (Larry McClemons,
Annandale, Va.)

. . . that they invented the euphemism “toilet” paper. (Rob Huffman,
Fredericksburg, Va.)

. . . that my generation is the first to be so cool, our kids always
want us to go out with them and their frien . . . Wait, sweetie, I’m
still putting on my Uggs! (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

. . . that Grandpa no longer has the capacity to produce his usual flow
of racist and sexist jokes. (Christy Tosatto, Brookeville, Md.)

. . . that I’m not famous, so when two celebrities die I don’t have to
worry. (Steve McClemons, Arlington)

. . . that our constitutional democracy was strong enough to survive 44
presidents in a row. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

. . . that my fellow woodworkers call me “Old Ten-Fingers.” (Gary
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Bros everywhere are grateful to Harvey Weinstein for giving them a good
reason not to watch Miramax films. “I’m sorry, honey, I just can’t see
‘The English Patient.’ It's just a matter of principle for me.” (Duncan
Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

. . . that the current state of cellphone technology still lets me use
the “I guess we got disconnected” excuse. (Frank Mann, Washington)

. . . that I don’t live in a tiny, picturesque town in England, because
I know from TV mysteries that half my neighbors would be murderers.
(Melissa Balmain)

. . . that the president is a teetotaler because OMG CAN YOU IMAGINE??
(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

. . . that Tofurky contains no toe fur. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

. . . that we’re expected to eat the mascot only for Thanksgiving and
not Groundhog Day. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

. . . that Hershey’s Kisses are wrapped in tinfoil, because otherwise
they would all be melted by those mind-controlling radio signals.
(Dudley Thompson)

. . . that I’m not Robert Mueller’s food taster. (Duncan Stevens)

. . . that the Silver Line will supply efficient public transit between
Dulles and downtown D.C. in all likelihood at some point before I die.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

. . . that my kid doesn’t remember me screaming “Stop stomping on my
bladder, you little brat,” at him before he was born. Also, I’m thankful
he stopped stomping on my bladder. He’s 17. That would hurt. (Hildy
Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)

. . . that a huge tax cut for the rich may bring me larger tips when I
wait on their tables. (Robert Schechter)

. . . that I received my colonoscopy pictures back in time to share them
with you. (Frank Osen)

. . . that the president has won the war on coal, because now there will
be something in my kids’ Christmas stockings. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

. . . that I can use this year’s wall calendar again in 2062. (Mark
Calandra, Sudbury, Mass.)

. . . that so many people in my phone exchange care enough to call me
every day. (Chris Doyle)

. . . that the Internet allows me to buy ribbons for my manual
typewriters. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

. . . that I’m naturally warm, because otherwise my cat wouldn’t spend
any time with me, since I am not tuna. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.)

. . . that Zargoth the Implacable is, as yet, unaware that I have
escaped to your dimension. (Frank Osen)

. . . that Grandma never found out that my first Communion was also my
last. (Jon Graft, Centreville, Va.)

. . . to President G.H.W. Bush for the Christmas goose. (Ward Kay,
Vienna, Va.)

. . . that these oysters on the half-shell don’t have faces. (Beverley
Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

. . . that my ex’s name is short enough to easily tattoo over. (Danielle

. . . for the advancement of human civilization — we had a pretty good
run going there for a while. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)

*/And last:/ * Full of great thank I am magnificent Russia not ever
no-way infiltrate the Washington Post Invitation to the Style. PS
glorious Empress, you get my rubles? No yes? (Barbara Turner, Takoma
Park, Md.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 27: Our contest to change
the name of a business by one letter and name the new one. See*
* .*