Style Invitational Week 1252: It’s a med, med, med, med world

Name a drug and say what it would treat. Plus the winning (mostly
un-)True Confessions.

Name a drug and say what it would treat. Plus the winning (mostly
un-)True Confessions.

Nadvil. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

November 2


(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning “(un)True Confessions)”

*Nadvil:* Relieves post-vasectomy pain. (Tom Witte)

*Non-interferon: *A black-market drug often slipped to unsuspecting
in-laws. (Meg Sullivan)

*Herbal Hoover: *A tranquilizer that’s been taken off the market because
it was found to cause depression. (Chester Myslicki)

Here’s a contest we haven’t run since 2000 (when it was suggested by the
11-year-old son of the Czar), and surely we could use some more
suggestions to cure what ails us: *This week: Invent a clever name for a
new medical product, and specify the condition it would treat,* as in
the examples above from Week 356.

It's a poker game and a shell game in one: a fitting prize for a Loser,
no? (Pat Myers/The Washington Post )

Submit entries at this website: * *
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives yet another in
our series of Tacky Sculptures Made Entirely of Little Shells, and in
fact our second of the Shells Playing Poker subgenre. In this one, it’s
all shells except for the cards; even the pile of poker chips is an
itty-bitty snail house. This fine artwork was donated years ago by
either Chronic Shell Art Donor Cheryl Davis of Chronic Shell Art Donor
Nan Reiner; neither can remember, so I’ll call it a nefarious conspiracy
between them.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”

Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
“Magnum Dopus.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 13; results
published Dec. 3 (online Nov. 30). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Tom
Witte; Tom also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at ; follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Check it out at .

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

In *Week 1248* we asked for some “(un)true
confessions” like the ones in Stephen Colbert’s long-running bit.

About a dozen people confessed that /they/ were the one who let the dogs out.

 We also invited true true-confessions. Among them were several that the
Empress greeted with “Well, sure,/I/ do that”: They included eating the
entire apple, including the core; refilling bottles of brand-name water
from the tap; and, of course, singing along with pop songs but
correcting their grammar. I mean, doesn’t everyone?

I messed around with the letters on this church marquee . . ." (anagram
by Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) (Photoshop play by Jon Gearhart)
4th place:

When I see the sign “Caution! Wet Floor,” I do. (Jonathan Hardis,
Gaithersburg, Md.)

3rd place:

When people post photos of their children on Facebook, I respond using
the “sad” emoticon. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

2nd place

and the big cloppy wooden shoes
The truth is, I trust my husband completely. I just like getting invited
to all those fancy business dinners. — K. Pence (Hildy Zampella, Falls
Church, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

I cut my tofu into animal shapes. I usually eat the heads first. (Rob
Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Disc‘losers’: Honorable mentions

If I finish the toilet paper roll, I leave a stick-it note on the holder
to remind my wife. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

I pour my Sam’s Club Scotch into a Costco Scotch bottle so people will
think I’m classy. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

I sometimes sneak up behind my co-workers and scare them by popping a
paper bag. Look, you’ve got to find ways to pass the time when you’re in
the Secret Service. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Although I have never been there, I have done that. And I would do it
again. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

I extend the five-second rule to 10 for spilled beer. (Kevin Dopart,

In public toilets I belt out “Elmo’s Potty Time Song” to mask the gross
sounds my body is making. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

One time a date seemed to suspect my “British accent,” so I started
driving on the left side of the road to maintain the ruse. (Ben Aronin,

Sometimes I call in sick to work when I’m actually sick. (Leigh Giza,
Bristow, Va.)

To be completely honest, I kind of went trepidatiously where no man had
gone before. — J. Kirk, Riverside, Iowa (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

I kept my legs crossed for a whole 2½ minutes so that we could have the
first baby of the New Year. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

To toughen my kids up, I throw their old art projects in the recycling
bin without turning them face down. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

Last night I rearranged the letters on the local church marquee: “CHOOSE

In restaurants, I pretend to blow my nose so I can hide that I’m picking
my teeth. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

I regularly pee in the pool. You do, too? Well, I mean the carpool.
(Mike Creveling, La Plata, Md.)

I told the police officer I was texting. Truthfully, I was painting my
toenails. (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.)

After years of picking up after my dogs, I found that if I first put my
hand in the plastic bag and use it like a glove, I didn’t have to
actually touch the poop! (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md.)

I try to impress girls by telling them I played football for the
University of Phoenix. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.)

Instead of using lots of little pet waste bags, I’ll use a 20-gallon
trash bag until it’s full. (Jeff Shirley)

Sometimes I eat ice cream out of the carton. But if I don’t like it, I
put it right back in the grocer’s freezer. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.)

Sometimes I wash my hands after going to the restroom, so I won’t have
to tell a lie. (Lee Graham, Washington)

When I’m dissolving a corpse in acid I can’t help singing the
Roto-Rooter jingle: “. . . and away go troubles down the drain.” (Gary

Every Valentine’s Day, I send several flower arrangements to myself at
work, each with a large card reading, “To the World’s Greatest Lover.”
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

I always stand during the national anthem, but when I do, I fantasize
about moving to Canada. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

I defiantly take a knee for the national anthem. Well, actually, I sit.
Well, I stay seated on my couch. So I guess I take a butt for the
national anthem. (Duncan Stevens)

I enjoy eating just half of one Lay’s potato chip. (Kevin Dopart)

I watch five minutes of lots of terrible movies on Netflix, just to mess
with the algorithm for the rest of the family. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. And I /know/ how he got in
my pajamas. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria, Va.)

When I realized I had 13 items in a 12-item checkout line at the grocery
store, I avoided the guilt by eating the candy bar. (Dave Prevar)

When I step on a crack, it doesn’t break my mother’s back, but it does
give squirrels hemorrhoids. (Steve McClemons, Arlington)

I, personally, did not wang chung last night
as I had wang chunged the previous night. (Duncan Stevens)

You scratch my back, I’ll still never scratch your disgusting back. (Rob

I had to look up the meaning of “FOMO” because I was afraid of missing
out on what all the cool kids were saying. (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)

My friend once sang out of tune. I stood up and walked out on him.
(Duncan Stevens)

I once drank all the Communion wine because my pastor said God helps
those who help themselves. (Jesse Frankovich)

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
though it’s actually made with nondairy frozen dessert. (Danielle Nowlin)

Nearly as hard as writing 2,500 entries for this week’s contest was
coming up with 99 believable pseudonyms. (Fresse Jankovich, Gland Redge,

*And some actually true confessions!*

I once called 911 to report a home invasion because I forgot it was my
wife’s day off. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)

The only “Science Friday” episode I understood was the one about making
jam. (Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif.)

Sometimes when my child couldn’t find a favorite book he wanted me to
read yet again, it’s because I’d just kicked it under the couch. (Todd
DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

(See this week’s Style Conversational column,
published late Thursday afternoon, for some other true true-confessions
that are fascinating if not exactly funny.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 6: Our contest for Things
to Be Thankful For. *