Style Invitational Week 1251: Thanking outside the box

Tell us something to be thankful for. Plus new dialogue for movie

Be thankful that dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Bob Staake
for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

October 26

Follow @PatMyersTWP //

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning reinterpretations of
movie titles.)

*I’m thankful that dogs don’t know everyone else hates you. * (Dave Prevar)

*. . . that they don’t allow remote controls at the movie theater.* (Art

*. . . that Uncle Billy finally croaked and I get a chance to sit at the
big table.* (Rich Carlson)

Four weeks from now, it’s going to be Thanksgiving weekend, and —
whuh-oh, suppose they start going around the holiday table asking what
everyone’s thankful for: Yikes, suppose you didn’t have some snarkily
inappropriate answer to pipe up? No worries — we’re here to help, as we
did back in 2006.

Loser scion Matt Zampella stuffs this week's second prize with panache.
(Pat Myers/The Washington Post )

*This week: Tell us something to be thankful for, *as in the examples
above from Week 685. You may attribute your thanks humorously to someone

Submit entries at this website: * *
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, just in time
to be a few days too late for Thanksgiving, a very fine plush
roast-turkey hat complete with little toque-thingies atop the
drumsticks. It’s modeled here by Matt Zampella, son of Loser Hildy, who
volunteered to pose wearing this thing in the middle of a restaurant
during a recent Loser brunch. Donated by Nan Reiner.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”

Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
“Magnum Dopus.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 6; results
published Nov. 26 (online on Wednesday, Nov. 22, the day before
Thanksgiving). See general contest rules and guidelines at . “Film quips” in the headline
for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group
on Facebook at / ./ “Like” Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at
; follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Check it out at .

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

**In*Week 1247 * we asked you to reinterpret
a movie title with a line from your “script.”

Number of fart jokes
submitted about a reimagined “Gone With the Wind”: 30.

4th place:

*12 Years a Slave:* “No, Olivia, I don’t think it’s unfair that I expect
you to help with the dishes /and/ keep your room clean.” (Danielle
Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

3rd place:

*The Pelican Brief:* “And the pouch on our design will be so much
roomier than Fruit of the Looms. We’ll make a fortune!” (Larry Gray,
Union Bridge, Md.)

2nd place

and the book “Who Farted”
*Notting Hill:* “We will not fix health care. We will not fix
immigration. We will not fix infrastructure. We will not fix taxes . . .
” (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*A Man Called Horse:* “No, Mr. President, that is only half of what they
call you.” (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Snubplots: Honorable mentions

*Three Days of the Condor:* “More leftovers of this stuff? Why can’t Mom
cook turkey for Thanksgiving like everyone else?” (Elden Carnahan,
Laurel, Md.; Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.)

*Boyz N the Hood: *“Grand Wizard Duke, sir? I think we could broaden our
appeal to, uh, less rural guys by calling ourselves something a little
more hip. I have a suggestion . . . ” (Danielle Nowlin)

*The Thin Red Line:* “Confirming the suspicions of many riders, we have
discovered that portions of the Metro were built out of tinfoil.”
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*Full Metal Jacket:* “Now that one really suits you, Mr. 3PO.” (Gary
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

*In the Heat of the Night:* “When your air conditioning goes out, call
me: Mr. Tibbs.” (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

*For Your Eyes Only: *“You know, you really shouldn’t drink Visine.”
(Jesse Frankovich)

*The Shawshank Redemption:* “I’m going to the pawnshop to get my
shawshank back.” (Gary Crockett)

*Stand and Deliver:* “She’s in labor! How can this hospital have no
empty beds?” (Mark Prysant, Silver Spring, Md.)

*The Cider House Rules:* “Man oh man, this is one awesome cider house.”
(Duncan Stevens)

*The 39 Steps:* “Where’s that stupid hex wrench? Sheez, I don’t think
we’ll /ever/ get this bookshelf together . . .”(Larry Gray)

*The 400 Blows:* “Sure, the Model 300 is underwhelming, but if you think
the 300 sucks, believe me . . .” (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

*Apocalypse Now:* “But Mr. President, don’t you think we should confer
with the Joint Chiefs of Staff first?” (Danielle Nowlin)

*Around the World in 80 Days:* “Mr. Fogg, United has the best baggage
system in the industry. I guarantee your bag will be returned very
soon.” (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

*Bridge of Spies:* “You see, the microphone device fits right here
inside the dental material . . .” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*Captain Phillips:* “Lieutenant Flathead, it looks like we’re really
screwed — unless the Captain turns up in time.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*Chain Reaction:* “He told me it was 14-karat, but look! It turned my
neck green!” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*Clueless:* “Well, /I/ don’t know, /was/ it Professor Plum in the
ballroom with the candlestick? You tell me — I’m just the caterer.”
(Colin Schatz, Oakland, Calif.)

*Free Willy:* “In sports news, we have to pixelate the results of the
men’s marathon in Slovakia

. . .” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

*Hidden Figures:* “Do you really think you’ll have any success selling
burqas in Beverly Hills?” (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

*Hidden Figures:* “I want to know why all the people in that yuge
inauguration crowd didn’t show up in the photos!” (Nancy Della Rovere,
Silver Spring, Md.)

*How to Train Your Dragon:* “Well, it’ll depend on what works for you.
For me, thinking of baseball does the trick, though in an emergency you
could think of Grandma in her swimsuit.” (Danielle Nowlin)

*Invasion of the Body Snatchers:* “I’m sorry, sir, but the dressing room
is for pageant contestants only.” (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento)

*Love Actually:* “Is it ‘15-zero’ or ‘15-oh’?” (Jesse Frankovich)

*Mrs. Doubtfire:* “Get real, Oog. You no expect me believe you make
flames with two sticks.” (Jesse Frankovich)

*No Strings Attached:* “If you walk out that door, Pinocchio, you are on
your own!” (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

*Strangers on a Train:* “Watch it, you guys, you’re standing on my
bridal gown!” (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

*The NeverEnding Story:* “Sure, why not take another crack at Repeal and
Replace?” (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

*The Thing:* “Grandson, could you bring me over that . . .
whatchamacallit . . .” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

*There Will Be Blood:* “It’s just a garbage disposal, Sharon, how hard
could it be to fix?” (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va.)

*Wall-E:* “And in the event that the Mexicans make it past my first four
great, great walls . . .” (James Kruger, New York)

*Must Love Dogs:* “No way! I’ll do nudity, but I am /not/ doing a scene
like that!” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*The Quiet Man:* “ .” (Larry Gray)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 30: our contest for poems
using words that were new in a certain year. See
. *