Style Invitational Week 1247: Script tease
Reinterpret a movie title, then write a line of dialogue; plus words
without T, R, U, M or P.
"Monster's Ball," duh. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers
Entertainment
September 28
Follow @PatMyersTWP //
(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning neologisms that have
no T, R , U, M or P.)
*“Monster’s Ball”: “No! Elmo says that’s not yours to play with! Elmo
says it’s Elmo’s!”*
*“Birdman”: “Mr. President, I know you’re frustrated, but stop giving
Congress the finger.”*
The Lose Cannon, the new Style Invitational first-place trophy, replaces
the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that we’d been giving out since
2012. The bases of the trophies were handmade by Loser and woodworker
Larry Gray, and the trophies assembled by Larry and Royal Consort Mark
Holt. (Mark Holt)
*“The Fate of the Furious”: “Yo, Mooch, now it’s YOUR turn to $%^%^ your
#$%$.” *
*“Lady Windermere’s Fan”: “GO LADY WINDERMERE!”*
This week’s contest was suggested by Loser Phenom Duncan Stevens, who’s
such an Invite-obsessive that he noted to the Empress that his idea is a
variation of contests we ran in Week 625 (2005) and Week 129 (1995);
those were to supply an alternative plot to a movie title (winner of
Week 625, by Kevin Jamison: “ ‘The Asphalt Jungle’: In this series
finale, Tarzan suffers his untimely death”). *This week: Offer a quote
from a script of a movie whose title you’ve given a different plot, *as
in Duncan’s examples above.
Submit entries at this website: *wapo.st/enter-invite-1247*
(all lowercase).
Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,
* the Style Invitational trophy that we officially announce today. This
handsome little creation — really, it’s too nice for the Invite —
consists of a tiny metal cannon that’s really a pencil sharpener,
attached to a beautiful wooden base that was crafted by Loser Larry
Gray. And it’s finished off with a “BNAG” flag stuck, popgun style, into
its barrel. The Lose Cannon was inspired by a campaign tweet in which
then-not-president Trump called Hillary Clinton that very thing,
verbatim.
This trophy replaces the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead
that we’ve been giving out since 2012.
Actually, for the past few months, the Empress had been sending out Lose
Cannons to some Invite winners who’d already won multiple Inkin’
Memorials, while awarding the last of the Abes to the less obsessive.
Last week, Bruce Carlson won the last bobblehead in the box, so it’s all
cannons from here on in.
Second place receives, in keeping with this week’s contest,*“Who
Farted?,”*
a
little book consisting entirely of classic movie stills in which
glamorous screen couples like Astaire and Rogers seem to be asking that
question — seem to be, that is, if you are a particularly annoying
12-year-old. Donated by the extremely mature Jeff Contompasis, and
offered again after it was passed on last year. And we’ll throw in some
snacks for the cineplex: two boxes of *Crick-ettes,*
yup,
real dried crickets. You get Salt ’n’ Vinegar and Sour Cream and Onion.
Let us know how they were. Donated by Loser Lisa Henderson.
*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
or
“Magnum Dopus.”
First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink
for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 9; results
published Oct. 29 (online Oct. 26). See general contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline
for this week’s results is by Jon Gearhart; the honorable-mentions
subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like”
Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday
; follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.
*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .
*UNPRESIDENTED: NEOLOGISMS WITHOUT T, R, U, M or P*
No matter what contest we’ve hurled into the Loser Community of late,
the majority of entries have somehow managed to be about Our President.
So in *Week 1243* we presented a neologism
contest much like our dozens of earlier ones — except that the terms you
came up with couldn’t have a T, R, U, M or P (though I didn’t say the
entry couldn’t be/about/ T-R-U-M-P, a loophole some Losers dived right
into).
This contest proved a pretty tall order; the E received a number
of last-minute messages noting, “Oops, I didn’t notice that word had a
U” (or other letter).
4th place:
*Gagony: *That endless split-second between telling a joke and someone
laughing. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
3rd place:
*Lexiconfession:* Admitting that you totally made up that Scrabble word.
(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)
2nd place
and the set of magnets that look like human molars
:
*KKK:* A quick way of chanting, “Okay, okay, okay!” Trust me, I’ve heard
some very fine people use it that way. — My Dictionary Is the Best
Dictionary (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
And the winner of the Lose Cannon:
*Gland-dad:* A sperm donor. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Hono*able *en*ions
*Yo Nana:* She’s not as fat as Yo Mama, but only because she’s so old.
(Mark Raffman)
*Shindig:* The sharp corner of the dishwasher door. (Beverley Sharp,
Montgomery, Ala.)
*Chaoslessness: *General Kelly’s impossible mission. (Jesse Frankovich)
*Basebleah: *What Phillies fans have been watching all season. (Frank
Mann, Washington)
*Liecense:* One of several legal documents required to run for federal
office. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)
*Shiksa kebab:* Barbecued pork on skewers. (Mark Raffman)
*Donald: *An old cartoon character famous for his ruffled feathers and
spluttering outbursts. (Melissa Balmain)
*Weddling: *Going Momzilla on the nuptials. “We were going to have a
simple ceremony, but that was before my mother started weddling.”
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
*Bleaking news: *Let’s face it, it’s all bad. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
*Diss-ease: *A compulsion to fire off insulting tweets. (Mark Raffman)
*Geeze:* What really old guys do. (Beverley Sharp)
*Wowbegone: *Middle-aged. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
*Delivision:* Did you ever notice how people stare, entranced, at the
“Now Serving No. ___” sign like it’s the most entertaining thing they’ve
ever seen? (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)
*Wensch:* The hooker with a heart of gold. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
*Swindfall: *A fake insurance claim. (Beverley Sharp)
*Ecchceed: *To go beyond someone’s worst predictions. (Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)
*Fiascoincide:* To have everything go horribly wrong simultaneously.
(Jeff Contompasis)
*Nochos: *A midnight snack. (Jeff Contompasis)
*Hehab:* Hooking up with a hot guy after a breakup. (Mark Raffman)
*I of a Cyclone: *He’s so vain, he probably thinks this storm is about
him. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)
*Déjàvoodoo:* The unsettling feeling that we’ve tried these economic
policies before. (Jesse Frankovich)
*Blew-haha: *A rejected Style Invitational entry. (Jesse Frankovich)
*Nan Doylovich: *The cyborg Loser I am inventing to enable me to
dominate the Style Invitational!
(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)
*Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 2: our contest to take any
sentence from The Post or another publication and write a question that
it might (humorously) answer. See wapo.st/invite1246
. *