Style Invitational Week 1244: Primed for creative Amazon product reviews

Plus the winning limericks featuring gh- and gi- words.

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

September 7


(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s winning limericks)

*Review for a box of paper clips:
Very disappointed — one star. First, they’re not made from paper.
Second, they don’t clip anything — not my hedges, not my coupons, not my
nose hair. * /— Bruce Niedt, Week 1098, 2014/

The last time we did a contest for creative product reviews on, in 2014,

The Post had just been bought by a Mr. Bezos of Seattle — no doubt, we
figured, because he’d read the Invitational’s initial set of reviews

in 2012. We never did hear back from that guy, though there’s this
little drone thing circling the Empress’s house . . .

Previously we asked you to review such items as paper clips, Morton’s
salt, emery boards, a spool of thread, a dish cloth and a solar dancing
turkey. *This week: Send us a creative “review” (like the sample above
from 2014) for any of the items below that are listed on
*The reviews must not be harmful to the manufacturer or seller. Feel
free to post the reviews on Amazon itself /after / we post the results
online Oct. 5. While some reviews on Amazon run hundreds of words, we’re
looking for much shorter entries; 75 words would be lengthy for us.
Search on with the exact words below, or click on the links
in this week’s Invite online, to find the product to “review.”

— *Revlon toenail clip


The Trump “Over-Reaction Figure,” complete with movable hair-helmet and
The Finger. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)

— *Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil — 75 sq. ft.


— *Home Premium 5-Piece Rubber Door Stopper, Brown


— *DenTek Extra Strong Triple Clean Floss Picks


— *Arm & Hammer Clump & Seal Multi-Cat Litter


— *High Five Poop Emoji Float Pool Floater Inflatable Lounger


Submit entries at this website: **
(all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy — one of the last few before we officially announce the new
design that we’ve been giving to recidivist winners. Second place
receives a *Donald Trump “Over-Reaction Figure,” * complete with movable
arms and a cap of molded yellow hair that you can pull off or rearrange,
as in the photo. The figure’s right hand has a certain finger extended.
Donated by 161-time Loser Jeff Shirley.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”

Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
“Magnum Dopus.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 18; results
published Oct. 8 (online Oct. 5). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results is by Gary Crockett; the honorable-mentions
subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at / ./ “Like”
Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at
; follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of
results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*GHImericks: REPORT FROM WEEK 1240*
**For our annual Limerixicon contest, our salute to the unending effort
by to compile a complete dictionary in
limerick form, in *Week 1240* we asked for
verses that featured *gh- and gi-words.

* If your limerick got ink in
this contest, or even if it didn’t, or even if you didn’t enter and are
inspired to write one now, feel free to submit it to OEDILF. (If you did
get ink, note that along with your submission so that the Invite will be

4th place:

Said Giselle the *giraffe,* on a date,
“I do not want to stay out too late,
And while necking is fine,
That’s where I draw the line,
’Cause this isn’t a petting zoo, mate.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

3rd place

In the melting pot we call Amur’can,
Disagreeable stew has been perkin’,
Made from yammering yam
With a thick slice of ham
And a limp, insignificant *gherkin. * (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

2nd place and the T-shirt with a glossary of crude Italian expressions:

The video snippets of freaks
Shooting butt rockets out of their cheeks
Turned me into a quitter
Of Facebook and Twitter,
Both hangouts for*GIF*-bearing geeks. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

The news may be much out of date,
For F. Douglass is notably late.
But we still can acclaim
His posthumous fame:
As a *ghostwriter*

he is first-rate. (Ann Martin, College Park, Md.)

TouGH luck: honorable mentions

As a track athlete, Nate was well versed;
As a*gigolo,* though, he was cursed.
In each case the same trait
Predetermined his fate:
’Twas his penchant for finishing first. (Mark Raffman)

For racists, a pat on the wrist,
And he slanders the ones who resist:
“Many sides” get his pans.
Okay, Herr Tiny-Hands,
I think we’re all getting the*gist. *(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

“The mortician’s gone bankrupt,” said Sue.
“And I even predicted it, too. Though I did have a hint
That the business was skint:
The dead *giveaway *— that’s when I knew.”
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Said the cop, “I would bet my last dime,
That a*ghoul* has committed this crime.
But the chance of arrest
Is unlikely at best.
I’m afraid it’s a wraith against time.” (Stephen Gold, London)

As a kid, my anxiety grew
With the tales of a *ghost* in the flue.
Though I’m grown now and wise
(And less prone to surprise),
I’ve a sense of, at times, deja boo. (Chris Doyle)

“This cathedral’s deluxe to the hilt!”
Said the king. “It’s the best ever built!”
But the pope, with dismay,
Scorned the gold-leaf display:
“There’s no purpose to Catholic *gilt*.” (Mark Raffman)

She’s so fat — let me put it this way:
I have heard some astronomers say
That Your Mama’s great *girth
*Makes some parts of the Earth
Have a total eclipse every day. (Brendan Beary)

Though there’s no greater *gift* than a song,
And I love it when folks sing along,
Your insistence we sing
Every note of “The Ring”
At your wedding, was, frankly, just wrong. (Stephen Gold)

A chef on*Gibraltar* got fame
For his frying pan. In it he’d claim
To make a chow mein
That would drive folks insane:
The Wok of Gibraltar’s its name. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

He buys every new tool, every *gizmo; *
It has something to do with machismo.
But his handyman skill
is just run of the mill
With results that are often abysmo. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring,

*“Gh”as in “tough”; “o” as in “women”; “ti” as in “nation” . . . *
Learning English’s a difficult dish:
We spell phonemes however we wish.
You want regular? Tough.
Women? Nation? Enough!
All in all, a fine kettle of *ghoti.*
(Nan Reiner) [“Ghoti” predates George Bernard Shaw, whom it’s often
credited to]

My *giraffe*-breeding business is toast;
Now it’s time that I *give* up the *ghost*.
I had pretty good sales,
But then ran off the rails
’Cause the overhead’s higher than most. (Brendan Beary)

Sir Lancelot stripped off his jerkin,
His breeches, his shirt and his merkin.
“A cucumber, right?”
But she laughed at the sight,
Saying, “I think it’s more of a *gherkin.”* (Brian Allgar, Paris)

I would call its leaves pretty, I thinkg,
But there’s no getting over its stinkg.
And its seeds make a mess —
I’d prefer it, I guess,
If the *ginkgo* had rather less ginkg. (Brendan Beary)

When a *gharial* seeks to
build clout,
He will flaunt his distinct bulbous snout.
Should his mate still have fears,
He will hiss in her ears —
That’s what crocodile love is about. (Mary Ann Henningsen Frankenfeld,
Oakland, Calif.)

John Kelly’s the new West Wing sitter,
A leader of men and no quitter.
For weeks, what regret
Has been making him sweat?
He can’t stop Trump’s *gibber* on Twitter. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

The zombie had felt like a fool
As he surfed through the wide dating pool.
On advice of his mom
He tried,
Thinking that’s how a boy could meet *ghoul. * (Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.)

A midget and *giant* did try
To date, but they couldn’t deny
That obviously
They’ll never agree:
Because they can’t see eye-to-eye. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Though our kids call their principal *“ghastly”*
And maintain their opinion steadfastly,
Those who work with him there
At the school all declare
That our kids overvalue him vastly. (Max Gutmann, Cupertino, Calif.)

/And Last:/
Being blessed with the *gift *of sharp wit,
I decided to enter a bit.
Did it win? It did not.
And the*gift* that I got
In return? What a cheap piece of shinola! (Jesse Frankovich, Grand
Ledge, Mich.)

*Still running — deadline Monday, Sept. 11: our No T-R-U-M-P contest.
See *