Style Invitational Week 1238: D-E-F Comedy Jam
Give us a new D-E-F (or E-F-D, etc.) phrase; plus new ink from old
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers
(Click here to skip down <#report> to new honorable mentions from a
variety of previous contests)
*E-D-F — Environmental Destruction Fund: * The administration finds ONE
part of the EPA budget to increase.
Don’t call them octopus tentacles, you unpedant: They’re arms. Okay,
these would be fingers.
*E-F-D —* *“Energy For Dummies”: *“A great read for three reasons: the
pages are numbered; I learned some energy things; and . . . ummm” — R.
*D-F-E — * *Donald For Emperor:* The RNC tests some early 2020 election
Here’s Installment 2 of a contest that will march intermittently through
the alphabet. Last summer in Week 1179
we asked you to come up with three-word phrases whose words began with
A-B-C, C-B-A or any other arrangement of those letters (winner by Chris
Damm: “Cot And Bagel: a low-budget bed-and-breakfast”). And so: *This
week: Coin a three-word phrase (you may add an insignificant word or
two) whose words begin with D, E and F — in any order — and describe
it,* as in the examples above by Jeff Shirley, who suggested this
contest in the first place. You might also come up with a brilliantly
clever description of an existing phrase. See the A-B-C results at
Submit entries at this website: *wapo.st/enter-invite-1238*
Winner gets the *Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design.
Second place receives a pair of long, rubbery, pink, curly “octopus
fingers” (or, as their Danish label puts it, /“blaekspruttefingre”)/
that fit over your own fingers for, well, we don’t know what for. To
make your hand look like an octopus. Donated by Roy and Inge Ashley.
*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 7; results
published Aug. 27 (online Aug. 24). See general contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . Join the Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev
./ “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. /
*The Style Conversational, *the Empress’s weekly online column, isn’t
happening this week, but the E will take questions at
And from some earlier Style Invitational contests . . .
*EXTRA! EXTRA! More inkworthies*
The Empress is just getting back from vacation, so this week she’s
offering some extra honorable mentions from several recent contests. The
Losers below who didn’t already get ink in those contests will get Loser
magnets when the E catches up with the prizes. They will wait patiently.
*FROM WEEK 1223, *
/a contest in which entrants wrote misleadingly juicy (though
technically true) headlines for real non-juicy articles in this and
*OHIO MAN TO MISS WORK AFTER ATTACKING PENGUIN WITH STICK*
NHL’s Columbus Blue Jackets’ Matt Calvert suspended after hitting
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
*SCHOOL OFFICIALS AIM SHOTS AT CHILDREN, HIT TARGETS *
Mandatory vaccination program increases California’s immunization rate
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
*WILL OUR GALAXY EXPLODE?*
Samsung’s newest phones to be released
(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
*TRUMP SENDS SECRETARY TO HOLOCAUST CENTER*
Rex Tillerson and family tour museum
(Karen Van Buren, Los Altos, Calif., a First Offender)
*NSA AGENTS MAKE MICROSOFT EMPLOYEES TAKE LEAKS OUT OF WINDOWS*
Agency addressed Windows 10 security flaws
(Edward Gordon, Austin)
*LOCAL CHILDREN ORDERED TO SEARCH FOR FOOD AMONG DEADLY TOOLS, DANGEROUS
“Hardware store hosts Easter egg hunt”
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
*STUNNING DETAILS OF HANGINGS IN UPSCALE HOTELS EXPOSED*
Guests discover super-luxurious bathrobes in closets
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
*FROM WEEK 1224, *
/in which we presented a list of items and asked you to tell us how any
two were the same or different/:
*The difference between an intentional walk and a flight on United
Express:* One gets a man on base and the other gets a man on face.
(Annette Green, Lexington, Va.)
*A response by Sean Spicer is like the April the giraffe cam: *After
you’ve waited days and days for something worthwhile, the camera shuts off.
(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis)
*The difference between lunch with Mike Pence and World War III* is that
women can participate in World War III.
(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)
*FROM WEEK 1230,*
** /dialogues or monologues portraying a Creator’s thought process while
creating various creatures: /
*Creating crabs: *
GOD: Imagine a cross between a giant scorpion and a spider.
ANGEL: This should be good.
GOD: It eats garbage but tastes delicious.
ANGEL: Look at you! Mr. IRONY!
(Frank Mann, Washington)
*Creating humans: *
GOD: You what?
ANGEL: We already made something in your image. Remember? You called it
GOD: Okay, but this next one will be allowed to think it’s My image.
(Ken Gallant, Oslo)
*Creating fireflies: *
GOD: Remember when I divided light from darkness?
ANGEL: Yeah, it was earlier this week.
GOD: Makes it kind of hard to read at night.
ANGEL: I got this leftover jar you could fill with something.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
*Creating snails: *
ANGEL: Hey, what should we do with this leftover garlic butter?
GOD: I think I have just the thing . . . (Mark Raffman)
*Creating birds: *
Make ’em poop out their babies inside ping-pong balls. (Warren Tanabe,
*Creating the Boston terrier: *
GOD: I can’t tell which is the back and which is the front.
ANGEL: What if I make it snort a lot?
ANGEL: Okay, so snorting won’t help . . . (Warren Tanabe)
*FROM WEEK 1154,
* /parodies about animals:/
*My Florida Things
* /(to “My Favorite Things” ) /
Here in the tropics, we’ve got us some critters
Might give the pet lover justified jitters.
Pythons with coils and anhingas with wings:
These are a few of my Florida things.
You’d have good reason to question my sanity
If I leashed up a lugubrious manatee.
Or a flamingo – they won’t fetch or beg;
Just stand around in the pond on one leg.
Don’t want a tortoise or an armadillo:
They’re not the sort one would use for a pillow.
And if I took in some gators or crocs,
I’d be a schnook with her head full of rocks.
If you wanna friend this fauna,
I suppose you can . . .
But one critter here can’t be taught, trained, or tamed:
The infamous Florida Man!
(Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)
*The Cat Song*
/(to “The Jet Song”
When you’re a cat, you’re the king of the house!
Every creature knows that,
Every dog, every mouse.
When you’re a cat you’re the lord of the realm
Every human knows that
It’s a cat at the helm.
It’s been you all along, the law remains unwritten;
They’ve heeded your song since you were just a kitten.
When you’re a cat and you enter a room
They all know where it’s at, they all know who owns whom
They all KNOW WHO KNOWS WHOM. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.)
*FROM WEEK 1219,
faux medieval “lik the bred” poems:
* //My name, Ivanka.
Mark this thynge:
I aim to make
My Daddy Kynge.
I knoweth well
He be a clowne.
I knock him off.
I seize the crowne.
I’m Kim Jong Un.
I have no qualms
At offing uncles,
Yet now it really
Chafes my butt,
Folks look at Trump;
They fear /that/ nut.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
*Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 1: our contest for
alliterative headlines. See wapo.st/invite1237