Style Invitational Week 1233: Alphabet noir — modern A-to-Z couplets

Our Bob Staake's poster for an upcoming documentary on Edward Gorey,
this week’s second prize. (Art and design by Bob Staake)
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

June 22


In *Week 1229* we once again paid homage to
Edward Gorey’s macabre satire “Gashlycrumb Tinies,” a faux-Edwardian
alphabet book that merrily described the, well, gory deaths of tots from
A to Z. For the Invite, we dispense with the grisliness and instead use
the alphabet-couplet form on the Invite’s usual targets.

4th place

*G’s the Giraffe *whose filmed birth was so cute;
*H is Harassment* — she’s just filed a suit. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

3rd place

*K is for Klingon. *What’s that? You have /met /one?
*L is for Life. *I suggest that you get one. (Robert Schechter, Dix
Hills, N.Y.)

2nd place and the Bob Staake poster for ‘Gorey: A Documentary’:

*G is for God-given *rights, like big rifles;
*H is for Health care* and other such trifles. (Melissa Balmain,
Rochester, N.Y.,)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*I’s for Inaugural* crowd, a new max!*
*J is for Spicer.** (*Alternative facts) (Maria Zimmerman, Berryville, Va.)

Alpha-bettered: honorable mentions

*A is for Alcohol, *drunk off the wagon;
*B’s for the Bowl *of the toilet you gag in. (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village, Md.)

*C’s for Covfefe,* a baffling side-splitter;
*D’s for Distracting* the masses on Twitter. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing,

*C’s for the Climate *we change as we please;
*D’s for the Damage* we do by degrees. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*C is for Cosby,* who fell off a Cliff.
*D is Denying *all 60 — as if. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.)

*C is for Clickbait,* “It Lived in My Ear!”
*D’s Drop, *which your jaw will, when you [just click here]. (Frank Osen)

*E is your Essay,* though someone else penned it
*F is your grade,* and you’re also suspended. (Paul Wilmes, Minneapolis)

*G is for Gorsuch,* who cleared the last hurdle;
*H is the Heist* pulled by Senator Turtle. (Jesse Frankovich)

*G is for Griffin, *whose Trump pic sparked chatter;
*H is for Head:* it’s now hers on the platter. (Mike Ostapiej)

** *G is our Greatness* both here and abroad;
*H is Hyperbole* (masses applaud). (Kevin Dopart)

** *I’s for Ivanka, *with plentiful tresses;
*J is for Jared, *with plentiful messes. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

*I is Ivanka, *who works for her dad; *
J is for Jared* — is he working for Vlad? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

*K is for Keeping* top secrets quite safe
*L is for Leaks*: why we’re now seen as treyf. (Jules Minton, Beverly
Hills, Calif., a First Offender)

*M’s Montenegro,* whose chief was just seen;
*N’s Nudged aside* so our boss-man could preen. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*M’s Metro, *whose progress is steadily slowing;
*N’s Nowhere,* the place I am currently going. (Duncan Stevens)

*M is for Merkel and May and Macron;*
*N is for None *of them tweet on the john. (Chris Doyle) |

*O is for Oceans,* their rising’s a threat;
*P’s for Peninsulas* (shrinking when wet?) (Kevin Dopart)

*O is O’Reilly,* admirer of loofahs;*
P is for Pink slip* — good riddance, you [doofus]! (Danielle Nowlin,
Fairfax Station, Va.)

*O is for Ovi,* each season the best;*
P is for Playoffs* (well, you know the rest) (Paul Elstein, Columbia,
Md., who last got ink in Week 5 — in 1993)

*O is for Orgasms,* loud and on cue;
*P is for Phony *– they’re /not/ caused by you. (Tom Witte)

*S is for Spicer, *who hid in the bushes;
*T* *is for Trump,* who grabbed more than just tushes. (Chris Doyle)

*U is for Uvula, *shown off while yelling;
*V is for Vulva; *please do mind your spelling. (David Franks)

*E is for Empress,* whose health I am drinking.
*F is for Flatter.* (It worked! This is inking!) (Robert Schechter)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, June 26: our Bob Staake cartoon
caption contest. See *

/The “Alphabet Noir” headline was submitted independently by Kevin
Dopart, Tom Witte and Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead./

Four weeks from now, the Empress will be out surveying her far-off
dominions, engaging various potentates in weird, desperately gripping
handshakes. So now — but not then — the Loser Community gets a week off
(actually two) from writing contest entries, and will have to find
something else to do during staff meetings, sermons, romantic breakups,
etc. In mid-July we’ll run more inkworthy entries from previous
contests. Of course the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook —
now with more than 1,300 members — will be open for bantering business
24/7 at * *.

*The Style Conversational *In this week’s column — published late
afternoon Thursday, June 22 — the Empress tells about last weekend’s
Flushies, the Losers’ 22nd annual award festivities. Check it out at


A’s for America, she’ll be great once more!

B’s for Big Business she’ll be so great for. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)

C's Contraception, in health plans no more;

D's for the soon-to-be Daddies galore. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

E is for Evidence, banishing doubt;

F's for what Donald may be when it's out. (Stephen Gold, London, winner of the Inkin’ Memorial)

G is for God-given rights, like big rifles;

H is for Health care and other such trifles. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y., second place and winner of the Edward Gorey poster by Bob Staake)

I is an Insult to legal professions;

J is for Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

K is for Kellyanne, loyal and true;

L's for the Lying she's hired to do. (Frank Mann, Washington)

M is a Man-child who doesn't know squat;

N is the Nuclear football he's got. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

O for our Orange-hued Oligarch, he;

P for the People. What happened to We? (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla., third place)

Q is for Questions that greatly unsettle;

R is for Russians—they won the gold meddle. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich., fourth place)

S is for Sociopath on the Stump;

T is for Treason. And Turmoil. And “Thank God we escaped the clutches of that nasty woman and her emails -- hoo-boy, we really dodged a bullet there! (Nan Reiner)

U is for “Ur in way over your head.”

V is for Vladimir. Putin. ‘Nuff said? (Nan Reiner)

W: the Wall, so imposing and large;

X is the Xenophobe lately in charge. (David Franks, Greenland, Ark.)

Y for my Yuks – every week, I’ve a mint!

Z is for Zero, which end up in print. (Well, not this week, Nan Reiner)