Style Invitational Week 1219: Cast your Bred here — a new 4-line-poem

Plus the winning ‘so X that Y’ jokes, and introducing our new Loser Mug

Your mug here? It’s our fourth and latest Loser Mug design for third-
and fourth-place finishers, designed once again by Bob Staake. The
slogan “You Gotta Play to Lose” is by Loser Roy Ashley. (Design and
photo illustration by Bob Staake/for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

March 16 at 11:01 AM

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the inking “he’s so X that Y” jokes)

*my name is Cow,*
*and wen its nite,*
*or wen the moon*
*is shiyning brite,*
*and all the men*
*haf gon to bed — *
*i stay up late.*
*i lik the bred. *
— Sam Garland, a.k.a. Poem for Your Sprog

The sometimes mystifying social community Reddit has been enchanted
hundreds of times over by Sam Garland, a postdoctoral student who took
to posting comments on a wide variety of others’ Reddit posts — in the
form of rhyming poems. Last October someone posted an amusing anecdote
about a cow

that had made her way into the kitchen of a re-created French fortress
and started licking all the loaves of bread — and Sprog responded with
the faux-Chaucerian doggerel above.

Almost instantly, according to the website Know Your Meme,
“i lik the bred” sparked
a new genre, with parodies and similar verses popping up all over Reddit
and Tumblr blogs, in topics ranging from kittens to Tudor history. So
let’s Invitize it: *Write a Lik the Bred verse about someone in the news
lately.* For our own purposes, here are the parameters:

Flip the switch on the bottom of the 2-inch-long Kreep-E and it whirs
and sort of scurries around. That's it. What, you expected a silver medal?

● *It begins with “My name is . . . ”* or some other first-person

● *It ends with “I [verb] the [noun].”* You may substitute “we” for “I,”
and “a” or “my” for “the,” etc.

● *It consists of four rhyming lines,* A-A-B-B (Sprog breaks them into
eight, but we will probably use a four-line format to save space).
Thirty-two syllables total.

● *The meter is strongly iambic:* ba-DUMP ba-DUMP ba-DUMP ba-DUMP. (My
NAME is COW . . . )

● *The spelling /may/ be faux Middle English *but could also be modern;
the Empress hopes to run both types. Either way, the verse shouldn’t be
a slog to read.

*Submit entries at this website: * *
* (all lowercase).

*Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a brand-new *Kreep-E,

*a two-inch-long, bright green electronic insectoid that scurries around
with “realistic bug movement.”
Well, it at least vibrates
a lot. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner, who no doubt, like the Kreep-E,
“self-corrects when flipped.”

*Other runners-up *win the new mug announced today or our Grossery
Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.” Honorable
mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness
Left Behind”
“Magnum Dopus.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 27; results
published April 16 (online April 13). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results is by Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions
subhead is by Roger Dalrymple. Join the lively Style Invitational
Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at /; / follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

In *Week 1215 *the Empress sought one-liners
of the form “X is so Y that . . .”

Once again, she didn’t tell the Loser
Community to sling gibes at our president, but once again, those are
what mostly were slung, big league. Perhaps a dozen entries offered that
Trump is so self-centered that he thought the song was about him.

4th place

*The Trump White House is so brazen,* it’s offering foreign donors a
night in the Putin Bedroom. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

3rd place

*My friend from Weight Watchers is so competitive *that she always
halves what I’m halving. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

2nd place

and the toilet-shaped mug
*Donald Trump’s hands are so tiny,* the women he grabs don’t even
notice. (Brian Allgar, Paris)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*My chiropractor is so unscrupulous,* he charges Paul Ryan the same
price as people who have backbones. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

So close, yet so far: honorable mentions

*“The Bachelor” is so fixed,* it ought to be called “The Gelding.”
(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*Kellyanne Conway’s been so quiet lately* that Richard Simmons is asking
what’s happened to her
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*President Trump’s skin tone is so unusual, *nothing rhymes with it.
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

*John McCain is such a bold, independent-thinking maverick,* he
complains about Trump’s nominees before voting for them. (Duncan Stevens)

*Political correctness has gotten so out of control* that the last time
I ordered French toast at a diner, a millennial at the next table jumped
up and started screaming, “Cultural appropriation! Cultural
appropriation!” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*Donald Trump is so great.
#aftereverythingIvedoneforthePost #suchanastyempress (Melissa Balmain,
Rochester, N.Y.)

*The crowd was so huge at Trump’s inauguration* that the Park Police
considered setting up a second Porta-John. (Hildy Zampella, Falls
Church, Va.)

*Kim Jong Un is so paranoid *that his food taster has a food taster.
(John O’Byrne, Dublin)

*America’s lawyers have been getting so much love* for their help
fighting the immigration ban, cabbies are giving them free rides to
chase ambulances. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*Mitch McConnell is such a negative guy* that his bobblehead shakes its
head no. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)

*The insult was so trivial *that even @realDonaldTrump wouldn’t respond
to it. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

*The movie was so awful* that everyone in the theater stopped texting to
watch in disbelief. (Hildy Zampella)

*Trump is so out of shape,* he gets tired in conversations with foreign
officials just pressing their buttons. (Dan Helming, Maplewood, N.J.)

*Donald Trump is so reckless* he asked Kim Jong Un to pick him up at the
airport. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

*Canadians are so angry about Trump’s travel ban,* they are asking
politely that it be repealed. (Mark Raffman)

*Donald Trump is such an inept fascist,* he can’t even make Metro run on
time. (Mark Raffman)

*The Old Woman in the Shoe had so many kids,* she had to learn to
multi-tsk. (Chris Doyle)

*President Trump is so self-absorbed,* he thinks the word “meme” has two
syllables. (Jesse Frankovich)

*Chuck Norris is so tough, *his shower floor is strewn with Legos.
(Chris Doyle)

*The Democrats have been so shut out of the governing process, *they’re
writing letters to their congressmen. (Dan Helming)

*The suspect’s rap sheet was so long *that the police had to print it on
the back of a CVS receipt. (Hildy Zampella)

*Kids are so ungenerous these days *that mine always want me to pay them
back every time I borrow a couple hundred dollars for beer and
cigarettes. (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.)

*Facebook is so polluted with political vitriol* that my friends who
voted for Trump and RUINED OUR COUNTRY (HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY NOW) don’t
even pay attention to my posts anymore. (Mark Raffman)

*Donald Trump’s hands are so large* that his skin has to stretch really
thin to cover them. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.)

*Betty White is so old* that when she says she saw “Hamilton,” she saw
Hamilton. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)

*The night was so dark,* democracy died
(Jeff Hazle)

*Your Mama’s been used so much* that even this contest doesn’t want to
touch her. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*Keira Knightley is so thin*, she could pass as Monday’s Washington
Post. (Kevin Dopart)

*The Style Invitational’s readership is comprised of people so nitpicky*
that they’ve already mentally corrected the first part of this sentence
to “composed of.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

/And Last: / *The Empress is so objective *that she reads entries with a
blindfold on. (Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, March 20: our perennial Mess
With Our Heads contest to reinterpret headlines.
. *