Style Invitational Week 1214 winners: InaugurAlchemy — the speech

Plus new for Week 1218: Our perennial ‘Mess With Our Heads’
bank-head contest

Installing Alexa, the "new interior secretary." See our perennial Mess
With Our Heads contest below this week's results. (Bob Staake/for The
Washington Post)
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

March 9

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the week’s new contest, Mess With
Our Heads)

In Style Invitational *Week 1214* we invited you to pluck some of the
1,400-odd words from the newest president’s inaugural address
and rearrange them to make some wildly
fake quotes, or any other writing.

Many of the entries offered lines
from an alt-inaugural speech.

The Empress thanks Loser Gary Crockett for running the final entries
through a validator he programmed to catch any ineligible words (he did
find a few).

4th place:

*“I will be a just and reasonable president* to all of our citizens:
Americans on the right, Americans on the far right, Americans on the
radical right, and Americans striving to transition to the right or who
promise to do so in an oath of total allegiance. Not so much to people
in poverty, people from Washington, D.C., or anyone to the left of
President Bush.”
(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

3rd place:

*What is it like to be a Washington National?* Many victories throughout
the years, but never winning the Big One. With each historic fail,
miseries and carnage. So much unrealized promise! Men, your time for
success is now — it must be! Because in two years, when the magnificent
young power fellow in right leaves to become very rich in another city,
we will have to rebuild.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Stick this decal to your car window and you'll at least LOOK like a Loser.
2nd place

and theturtle figurine made from cow manure

*“What is going on? There are no people here.* Did I get the time right
— or is it tomorrow? There should be many people here. Many, many
people! It is too empty!


“I cannot accept this! Here is a different reality:

“Trillions and trillions of people assembled for my ceremony.”
(Elaine Lederman, Strasburg, Va.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*“Thank you, Chief Justice, stand there for a moment.* People! Did you
get a good look at this old Bible? Lift it for us. What is up with that,
by the way? Is it from the Goodwill? It’s, like, all brown and totally
in disrepair. Flush it and get a magnificent new one with a little shine
— expense it! All right, you can salute, Roberts. Now, out of here!”
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Addressing down: honorable mentions

*“I promise you, we will eradicate all other countries *from the face of
the earth. Right here and right now, we will transfer all other
countries to space, and the American people will be the rulers of the
world for many, many years to come, with love to guide us along the way.”
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)

*“I do not want this job.* Bring back President Obama and first lady
Michelle Obama right now.” (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.)

*“My administration will build tunnels *from Nebraska to Detroit, put
highways in the ocean, and fill D.C. with leaves. What for? I do not
think it matters. We will have a good time doing it.”
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*“In the new America I decree,* all women will be young and beautiful tens.”
(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

*“Thank you, Michelle and President Obama,* it’s good to be here right
now, because back at your home, at great expense, I have a group of
foreign women doing a ceremony that has infused your old room with an
ocean of not very pleasant body by-products.” (Frank Osen)

*“Take a look at these hands!* No way, no how are women complaining
about what I bring to the party, I can tell you that.”
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*“On the left and the right, have no fear,*
Yes, the time of our friendship is near,
We can love and not fight,
It will all be just right,
When we do the good drugs I have here.” (Mark Raffman)

*“President Obama, you are magnificent.* Your triumphs will be
remembered. President Bush left many, many challenges and hardships for
you and your victories and triumphs will not be forgotten. There is no
room for prejudice in America. Your courage and goodness left America
strong. Thank you.”
(Julie Kehrli, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)

*“Can we talk? The first lady is constantly complaining* about this
small living space. Honestly, it has potential. I want to rebuild it
into the likes of which the world has never seen before. Understand —
not anything too much, merely glorious and magnificent.”
(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

*Across America, tens of millions *now face great pain from the success
of a small, unstoppable group that no one likes. Their victories are
stolen, and righteous people dream of a time when we will be free from
the miseries of their winning, over and over again. I speak, of course,
about the Patriots. (John Hutchins)

*The Patriots are winning so much now.* A total success. But who likes
these people? No one! They are just like small women to us. Sad.
(Mary Kappus, Washington)

*President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush and President Obama

“Should we tell the new one about our special group? That we get
together all the time and enjoy ourselves?”

“Do we have to? We will have to constantly hear complaining about how we
let the nation fail, but ‘THIS administration will rebuild and have
America thrive again.’ ”

“Honestly, it’s not very gracious, is it?”

“Get this: Michelle and I did not flush when we left!”
(Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)

*“In a shuttered room, I have the dream again,* that one in which I am
struggling, trapped in a harness, while Michelle steps on my hands and
there is a voice: “Small! Small!” … It’s all right, Chief Justice
Roberts is going to get the orderly.” (Frank Osen)

*“What is another way to make America great again?* Lift my totally
ripped, wonderful body across the sky and have millions of people —
workers, families, children, politicians, the military — salute it.
Everyone will remember this glorious day. I tell you, it will be
beautiful. It will be historic. I promise, it will be like God’s born
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)

*“Is anyone even watching that?* It should be ‘Sad-today Night Live’!”
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

/And Last: Trump enters The Style Invitational/:
*“Everyone but you will think this is great.* Only you stand in the way
of my triumph. But you are not a righteous lady. For too long you have
deprived me of victory. I will be forgotten no longer. The American
people are looking for you to tell the public that I win! Understand, my
winning is a MUST.” (Drew Bennett)

(Actually, that one isn’t really last: At the bottom of this column,
past the new contest, is one more inking entry, truly a tour de force:
By Mike Burch of Nashville, it amounts to a full alt-inagural address in
itself, running more than 700 words — half the length of the whole
original speech. Wow.)

And this week’s new contest . . .


*Our new interior secretary * (Washington Post headline)
/Newest Alexa model can be implanted directly into the brain/(fake bank

*Donald Trump vs. the Food Snobs // *(New York Times)
/Ketchup, Shallot-Infused Bearnaise Sauce Fly in Dining Room Kerfuffle
Over Steak Condiments/ //

Have you noticed that The Washington Post has almost entirely done away
with the old-fashioned, elliptical “Dog Bites Man” headline style? Now,
in print as well as online, headlines are likely to be full, grammatical
sentences (sometimes two sentences) that better explain the point of the
story and catch the reader’s interest. That’s a great benefit to both
the articles and the reader — but not to the Invite’s perennial contest
to misinterpret ambiguous headlines. So the Empress deigns this week to
let the Loser Community range farther afield: *Reinterpret (or comment
wryly on) a headline appearing in The Post (print or online) or another
publication and dated March 9-20 by writing a bank head, or subtitle,
*as in the examples above from March 6. Note that those real headlines
are in the “label” format, with just a subject and no predicate, like a
book title; you’ll often find them atop essays and reviews. Please give
the source and date for the headline so we can verify it.

What counts as a headline? Can you use just part of one? The E covers
these and other ground rules in*The Style Conversational*, her weekly
supplemental column, at **
(published late Thursday afternoon).

*Submit entries at this website: * *
* (all lowercase).

*Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a nifty decal for your car window that
makes it look as if a golf ball has smashed into it — complete with half
the golf ball. It’s reusable, too. Donated ages ago by Dave Prevar.

*Other runners-up *win the yearned-for “This Is Your Brain on Mugs”
Loser mug

(or its future replacement) or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in
Punmanship.” Honorable mentions get one of
our lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
“Magnum Dopus.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 20; results
published April 9 (online April 6). See general contest rules and
guidelines at .
“InaugurAlchemy” in this week’s results headline is by Tom Witte; the
honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Duncan
Stevens. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook
at / ./ “Like” Style Invitational
Ink of the Day on Facebook at /; / follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*Still running — deadline Monday night, March 13: our contest to combine
two businesses and name the result.See

And now, the amazing Alt-Inaugural Address, created only from words used
in Trump’s inaugural address, and written using the “royal ‘we’ ”
(meaning “I”):

God bless America for a great national effort to carry out the orderly
and peaceful transfer of power to the magnificent president who now
controls our nation’s capital, our government, our country, our citizens
of America, and the people of the world. January 20th, 2017, will be
remembered forever as the day the president and politicians prospered.
We now seek to impose our way and will on everyone. At the bedrock of
our politics will be a total allegiance to the Establishment (our
Party). Thank you!

As president, we will determine the course of America and the world for
many, many years to come. It is our glorious destiny, as rulers, for the
people to be controlled by our government. God bless you American people
for transferring your power, wealth and all your glorious freedoms to
Our administration. Thank you!

And God bless America because today’s ceremony has a very special
meaning. The Bible tells us how good and pleasant it is when God’s
people live together in prejudice against struggling families all across
our land and the world. They are infused with the breath of life by the
Almighty Creator, but we will get the job done, by destroying the
civilized world as we eradicate life from the face of the Earth. We
promise challenges, hardships, ravages, carnage, pain, fear, striving,
complaining, closed borders, urban sprawl, mothers and children trapped
in poverty in our inner cities, rusted-out and shuttered factories
scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation, America’s
infrastructure fallen into disrepair and decay, an education system
flush with cash but which leaves young and beautiful students deprived
of all knowledge, subsidized armies of other countries, the very sad
depletion of our military, the miseries of disease, and the crime and
the gangs and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our
country of so much unrealized potential.

From this day forward, a new vision and crucial conviction will govern
our land. From this day forward, it’s going to be only white America
first, wealthy America first. These are the just and reasonable demands
of a righteous people and a righteous public. A new national pride will
stir us, but not to love, goodness, courage or justice. Americans, you
came by the tens of millions to become part of this historic movement,
the likes of which the world has never seen before. Fellow Americans,
for your gracious aid, we thank you!

This moment is your moment; it belongs to you. It belongs to everyone
gathered here today on these steps and everyone watching all across
America. This is your day. This is your celebration of your president
and Protection Chief. Starting right here and right now, you will be
protected by a totally unstoppable God: your president! We will unite
radical Islamic terrorism, so that we all bleed the red blood of
patriots, together. Now arrives the hour of action: we must think big
and even bigger! We are transferring power to a small group in
Washington, D.C., that has reaped the rewards of government while the
people have borne the cost. At the center of this movement is military
strength: Confront! Fight! (They spent trillions and trillions of
dollars overseas: the wealth of the American middle class has been
ripped from their homes and then redistributed all across the world.
We’ve defended other nations’ schools for their children while refusing
to defend our own.)

Look up at the night sky. For too many of our citizens, a different
reality exists: black or brown. Their American dream stops right here
and stops right now! So to all Americans in every city near and far,
small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, hear
these words: We assembled here today are issuing a new decree to be
heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of
power. We are one nation. /Their/ dreams are /not / our dreams. And
their success will /not/ be our success. Their victories have /not /
been our victories. Their triumphs have /not / been our triumphs. We
share one heart, one home and one oath: an oath of allegiance I take
today to all rich Americans. You will never be ignored again. Your
voice, your hopes and your dreams will define our American destiny.
Together we will make America great again. Thank you! (Michael R. Burch,