Style Invitational Week 1217: Mergers you wrote — combine two businesses

Plus the winning ‘punku’ — haiku with puns. Lots of puns.

A combined cooking institute and journalism school? Call it Baste On! A
True Story. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

March 2

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning pun-soaked haiku)

*Cooking institute/ journalism school: Baste On! A True Story *(Jane

*Doughnuts/ Jacuzzis: Beignet and the Jets * (Andrew Hoenig)

*Petting zoo/ bellsmith: A Ram, a Lamb, a Ding-Dong *(Elliott Schiff)

How better to practice your dribbling than with Potty Basketball? This
week’s 2nd prize.

Here’s a contest we’ve done only once before — 12 years ago. The 2005
results were classic, and the Empress is optimistic that there’s lot
more wordplay fodder out there. *This week: Give a clever name to a
combination of two or more businesses,* as in the examples above from
Week 641. See the 2005 results in this week’s Style Conversational
column at * , * published late
Thursday afternoon; not only are they fabulous puns, but they’ll show
you which jokes won’t be eligible this time around.

*Submit entries at this website: * *
* (all lowercase).

*Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a Potty Basketball
which includes a little wall-mounted hoop, three mini-balls, a
court-motif floor mat, and that all-important Do Not Disturb sign. This
prize may well suit those Losers not musically adept enough forlast
week’s prize, the Toilet Tunes electronic
mat. Donated, brand-new, by Loser Steven Steele Cawman, who got it from
Bed Bath & Beyond, presumably in the Beyond department.

*Other runners-up *win the yearned-for “This Is Your Brain on Mugs”
Loser mug

or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our new
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
“Magnum Dopus.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, March 13; results
published April 2 (online March 30). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results was sent by both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; the
honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on
Facebook at /; / follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*Week 1213 *was a simple concept: Write a
haiku — for our purposes, anything with three lines and 5-7-5 syllables
— that incorporated a pun (or at least a word used two ways).

Punku. The
subject matter could be anything, but to judge from the majority of
entries, the Loser Community still needed to vent about Our Nation.

With notable exceptions, the week’s political haiku outshone the rest,
many of which were simply old (if funny) jokes in 17 syllables, e.g.,
“Elevator sex/ Something completely wrong on/ So many levels.”

Shortly after posting this contest four weeks ago, the Empress heard
from Demi Newell, who’d created the Twitter hashtag #punku
in 2014; she can be
followed at @DemiNewell.

4th place:

Rich straight white men rule.
Looks like America’s been
Grabbed by the passe.
(Seth Tucker, Washington)

3rd place:

Ollie the bobcat
Broke out of her enclosure.
That’s a fel-in-e.
(Dave Silberstein, College Park, Md.)

2nd place

and the cool Death Star night light
Liz Warren stifled
From reading Ms. King’s letter —
(Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill, N.J.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

“The Bowling Green Mass”
Is what I call it, because
It didn’t -acre.
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Hacku: honorable mentions

The dishonest press
Says I banned a religion!
I should muzzle ’em!
(Homeira Ghorbani, Washington)

The Christian Right prays
For the NRA: “Blessed
Are the piecemakers.”
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

“It’s fake news, FAKE NEWS!”
Don cries and sighs. “The press lies!”
He pronounced “prez” wrong.
(Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.)

Both Spicer’s fashion
And card sense stank — he followed
Trump in the wrong suit.
(Mark Pomponi, Ellicott City, Md., a First Offender)

Extreme vetting is
Reaching shoulder deep into
The butt of a cow.
(Jesse Frankovich)

Story’s a bust! Trump
Didn’t hide King’s statue — jeez!
(Though it whispered, “Please?”)
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Wanted to find God,
To be filled with holiness.
Tried acupuncture.
(Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Good Old Boys’ Network,
Consider yourself Warrened:
We shall /all/ persist.
(Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

To defend your boss,
Just cite “alternative facts.”
Do it the Conway.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Kellyanne Conway
Watched her favorite film last night.
It’s “The Lyin’ King.”
(Doug Wadler, Potomac, Md.)

So much vile discourse.
Perhaps President Trump should
Try Bannon-free speech.
(Seth Tucker)

Homer caught his son
idolizing Steve Bannon:
“Not very bright, Bart!”
(Kevin Mettinger)

If Kingsley, Kendrick
Married, then separated:
A Ben-Anna split.
(Leslie Horne, Greenbelt, Md.)

He is on Twitter
Every night at 3 a.m.
A clockwork orange.
(Jesse Frankovich)

The Senate vets Trump’s
Nominees: Another day,
Another dullard.
(Chris Doyle)

Utah coffins made
For the naked and the dead
By Mormon Nailer.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

This past November
Two paths diverged in a wood.
We chose psycho path.
(Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

Hair-raising era,
For sure, but take heart: Never
Do Cheetos prosper.
(Ann Martin, Falls Church, Va.)

Why invite the strife
Of a husband or a wife?
Don’t altar your life.
(Max Gutmann, Cupertino, Calif.)

Spokesman Sean Spicer
Set the time for his briefing:
It’s at Truth-Hurty.
(Doug Wadler)

If flowers stand for
Love, why then is every bloom
Armed with a pistil?
(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

If you’ve got a job
At Customs Enforcement, you’ll
Need a heart of ICE.
(Duncan Stevens)

/He Bought the Farm
/Farmer Brown, he drowned,
Corpse stuck in the manure pit,
Forever in turd.
(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

Frederick Douglass is
Even greater now than when
he was dead. Thanks, Trump!
(Frank Osen)

Anthony Weiner
And Trump both get in trouble
Sending out edicts.
(Seth Tucker)

/Hail and Farewell
/“I’m the Grim Reaper.
It’s midnight. Time’s up at noon.
So halve a nice day!”
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Thank goodness we have
Judicial balances to
Issue a reign check.
(Jesse Frankovich)

Oh, snap, Steve Bannon!
You’ve got white supremacists
Rolling in the heils.
(Chris Doyle)

A vegan mess hall?
Army cooks serve soy patties?
Call it TOFUBAR.
(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

How low can he go?
Trump’s focus is not on high,
It’s in debasement.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Morning joe wrecked by
Civet disobedience:
It pooped decaf beans.
(Pete Morelewicz)

/I Came, I Saw . . . Oops!/
Caesar misconstrued
What the soothsayer had said:
“Flee market today.”
(Beverley Sharp)

Groucho Marx, Bob had the right
Clothes, but no cigar.
(Leslie Horne)

Now this can get ink!
I bowdlerized the bad words —
It’s in-f-able.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, March 6: Our contest for new
words you can discover in a word-search grid. See
. *