Style Invitational Week 1214: The alternaugural address

Write something using words from Trump’s speech. Plus the new ‘joint
legislation’ winners

This week’s contest: Take some words from his inaugural address and say
something great. We mean even greater. (Bob Staake /for The Washington
By Pat Myers By Pat Myers

February 9

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the “joint legislation” from Week

*“My small hands will get bigger — honestly, magnificent! — as long as I
salute the one who controls my every move.” *

Donald Trump’s inaugural address was1,433 words
of pure . . . source
material for our perennial word bank game, in which we present some
widely known work or passage, and ask you to write something else from
some of its words. Last year the Empress used the song “American Pie”;
over the years we’ve offered everything from Genesis to “The Cat in the
Hat.” *This week: Write a humorous passage — a “quote,” an observation,
a joke, a dialogue, a poem, anything — using only words that appear in
Trump’s inaugural address (find it at
*or by Googling). You may use a word only
as many times as it appears in the speech; for example, you may use
“wealth” up to four times, but “carnage,” alas, only once. You must use
the whole word as it appears (“honestly” but not “honest”), but you may
change capitalization and punctuation however you like. You may
attribute your “quote” to someone else.

*Submit entries at this website: * *
* (all lowercase).

It's called Poopets, but we'll call it the Turdle: a figurine made of
(totally unsmelly) dried manure. It, of course, is this week's second
prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post )

*Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place gets the lovely sculpture pictured here: The brand
is Poopets,

but we’ll call it the Turdle: a figurine made of (totally unsmelly)
dried cow manure. It’s supposed to break down into fertilizer in your
garden, but donor Mike Creveling gave it a coat of varnish: so a Turdle
lasts forever. (But alas, it won’t arrive in time for Valentine’s Day.)

*Other runners-up *win the yearned-for “This Is Your Brain on Mugs”
Loser mug

or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our new
lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind”
“Magnum Dopus.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). Deadline is Tuesday night, Feb. 21; results
published March 12 (online March 9). See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results is by John O’Byrne; the honorable-mentions
subhead is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at / ./ “Like”
the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /; /
follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

In *Week 1210,* our biennial “joint
legislation” contest, the usual pool of freshmen had shrunk even further
in the 115th Congress, forcing the Empress to pad the list with the full
local delegations plus a smattering of other incumbents.

As always, some folks in the Loser Community submitted name combinations
that sounded like phrases only in the entrants’ alternative-minds:
Sorry, but /nobody/ will read *“Demings-Arrington” as “the Mings are in
town.* *”* The bills that follow are much clearer, but just in case you
can’t figure one out, you can look it up: Click here
to see the list of winners with an
“answer key” — but do try them here first. (Pronunciation tips: Hassan
is pronounced like Hasson; Kihuen is “kee when”; Crist rhymes with “fist.”)

4th place:

The *Barr-Crist-Mast-Tenney-Young-Brat* Act to revitalize the Lumps of
Coal industry (Paul Jackson, Malabar, Fla, a First Offender)

3rd place:

The*Byrne-Norton-Correa* Resolution advocating a preemptive strike on
Pyongyang (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

2nd place and the Capitol Dome squeeze “ball”:

The *Biggs-Esty-Yoder* Masculine Fragrance Promotional Act (Ann Martin,
Falls Church, Va.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

The *Dunn-Taylor-Yoder-King* bill requiring truth in online dating
profiles (Amy Harris, Charlottesville)

Deplorabills: honorable mentions

The *Barr-King-Bacon* proposal to restrict genetic engineering on
animals (G.T. Bowman, Falls Church, Va.)

The *Brown-Hice* Amendment to warn of something, in addition to yellow
snow, that nobody should eat (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Steve Offutt,
Arlington, Va.)

The *Hice-Tenney-Hoyer* resolution to require a daily greeting for the
House Democratic whip (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.; Jack McBroom, Fort
Valley, Va.)

The*Lawson-Dunn* Repeal of Everything Obama Did (Jesse Frankovich,
Lansing, Mich.)

The *Biggs-Norton* resolution calling for investigation of Trump’s
“sniffles” (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

The *Carson-Davidson-Ferguson-Johnson-Lawson-Simpson *Clean Heir Act
(Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.)

The *Gottheimer-King* Act authorizes the DEA to find out what “merking”
is and put an end to it (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

The *Hassan-Tenney-Johnson* bathroom equality bill to support
transgender rights (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

The *Dunn-Beyer-Brat-Tenney-Bacon* Initiative for Healthier Children’s
Diets (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.)

The *Young-Yoder* More Prequels You Must Make Act (Michael Rolfe, Cape
Town, South Africa)

The *Murphy-Lawson-Hill * Act to ensure that any legislation that can go
wrong will go wrong (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.)

The *Hassan-Esty-Yoder* Act to recognize Your Mama (Jeff Shirley,
Richmond, Va.)

The *Marshall-Dunn* bill to allow draining of the Everglades (Marleen
May, Rockville)

The*Khanna-Lee-Connolly *Civi Rights Act to condemn homophonia (John
McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

The*Brown-Crist-Mast-Cummings* Climate Change Adaptation Act (Dudley
Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

The *Esty-Duckworth-Khanna-Budd-Hice* Commission to study barter
patterns in rural America (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

The *Hill-Gaetz-Norton-Dunn* Resolution for Congress to do /something/
useful (Jesse Frankovich)

The *Marshall-Lawson-Crist-Mast* Act to win the war on that holiday,
once and for all (Mark Raffman)

The*Beyer-Dunn-Kihuen-Young* bill to support Future Farmers of America
(Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.)

The *Rush-Beyer-Banks * bill merging Quicken Loans and drive-through
banking (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)

The*Schneider-Brat-Dunn* Act to change the ownership of the Washington
Redskins (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The *Ross-Hassan-Tenny-Hice Act *to study global warming effects on the
Antarctic Mud Shelf (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The *Lewis-Barragan* Provision to Restock the House Chamber with Toilet
Paper (Jesse Frankovich)

The *Khanna-Beyer-Young-Brat *Rotten-Child Trafficking Support Act
(Gordon Cobb)

The *Delaney-Byrne *Act designating knee pads as “feminine medical
devices” under Trumpcare. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring)

The *Budd-Hassan-Hice-Rush* Legalize It Already bill, a.k.a. Joint
Resolution 420 (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

The *Dunn-King-Hoyer* Act to establish a Georgetown University
basketball scholarship (Holly Saunders, Bethesda, a First Offender)

The *Barr-Dunn-King* bill to prohibit waterboarding — or if that won’t
pass, to at least reduce coffee stains on neckties (Rob Cohen, Potomac;
G.T. Bowman)

The *Budd-Hollingsworth* Act establishing minimum wages for Clydesdale
horses (Roy Ashley, Washington)

The *Byrne-Budd* Joint Legislation for the Legislation of Joints (Pete

The *Polis-Raskin-Yoder-Rush-Carson-Hill *Resolution, endorsing the
efforts of D.C. police to make traffic near the Capitol move more
efficiently. (John Glenn)

The *Biggs-Carson-Johnson* Declaration, explaining how Huma Abedin knew
the photo was of Anthony (William Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.)

Hollen* bill to tell the president to go two-L (Bill Verkuilen)

The *Dunn-Barr-King* Act to Send Fido to a Nice Farm Upstate (David
Smith, Alexandria)

The *Dunn-Masto-Bacon* Act to Automatically Shut Off Tyler’s Internet at
Night (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, a First Offender)

The *Krishnamoorthi-Smucker-Rooney *bill that doesn’t really do anything
but is fun to say. (Steve Offutt)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 13: our “punku” pun-haiku
contest. *