Style Invitational Week 1204: At least ...
Comfort (or ‘comfort’) a Never-Trumper with a silver lining; plus
winning cynical definitions
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers Entertainment
(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning 12-word “Devil’s
*— Melania won’t be nagging you to eat your vegetables.*
*— The “Hamilton” cast won’t have to come all the way down to the White
House Blue Room anymore. *
*— The Trump Library won’t take up very much space. *
*— There’s at least a chance we won’t keep hearing about her damn emails.*
If you win, you get Abraham Lincoln. If you finish second, you get him.
(Pat Myers/The Washington Post )
REPORT FROM WEEK 1202: In Week 1202 we asked for song parodies that expressed some kind of
hope. If you’ve been in a funk since Nov. 8 but aren’t the lyrical type
(or even if you are) — or if you /are / happy with the election results
but would like to buck up a funk-dweller: *Note some good news for the
coming year to comfort — or “comfort” — those who are depressed about
the change of presidential administration. *
*Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1204
* (all lowercase).
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a hefty-feeling eight-inch-tall Donald
RoyalBobbles.com, the same company that sold us our extremely limited
edition (just 19 left!) Bobble-Linc. It’s a pretty good if too svelte
likeness of the president-elect except for the uncharacteristic closed
mouth (and single chin). Donated by Loser Dave Prevar.
*Other runners-up *win their choice of the yearned-for “This Is Your
Brain on Mugs” Loser mug
or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”
or “Falling Jest Short.”
First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink
for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Dec. 12; results
published Jan. 1 (online Dec. 29). You may submit up to 25 entries per
contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules
. The headline “Maledictionary” was suggested
by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jon Gearhart. Join
the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.
*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .
*MALEDICTIONARY: THE CYNICAL DEFINITIONS FROM WEEK 1200*
Flailing around in search of /some/ tie-in for *Week 1200,
* the Empress trotted out a recurring contest
in which we ask for wry, cynical “Devil’s Dictionary”-type definitions
of words or expressions; the catch was that the term plus the definition
had to consist of exactly 12 words (two words connected with a hyphen
counted as two).
*Mythology:* Religions no one will get angry that you call mythology
anymore. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J.)
*A nail-biter:* The first 30 seconds of a Cleveland Browns game. (Dave
Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)
and the ski mask with curly tentacles under the eyeholes
*Promises:* These need to be made frequently, since they don’t keep
well. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
*Sex: *Something to do during the lame sketches on “Saturday Night
Live.” (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)
The twelves of nether: honorable mentions
*“Eat your vegetables”: *Phrase uttered before finding spinach dangling
from dog’s mouth. (Hildy Zampella)
*Hands:* In a severed country, the man with tiny ones is king. (Jesse
Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
*Negligee:* Sleepwear for times you expect to neither sleep nor wear it.
*Reality TV:* How people genuinely act while performing scripted stunts
on camera. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
*Telephone:* A retro app that some people actually use on their phones.
*Hoi polloi:* If you have to ask, you’re surely one of them. (Cindi Rae
Caron, Blowing Rock, N.C.)
*“Believe me”:* A lie has just been told, or shortly will be. (Gary
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
*“Make America great again”:* Fill in the blank with your chosen
prejudice. (William Kennard, Arlington)
*“With all due respect”:* “Prepare, as I snort in your general
direction.” (Gigi Thompson Jarvis, McLean, Va., a First Offender)
*“My bad”:* “I’m scoring points by flippantly admitting that I messed
up.” (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
*“Locker room talk”: *A terrible defense used to cover a terrible
offense. (Jesse Frankovich)
*“Use at own risk”:* “Legal team made us write this. Have
fun!”(Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.)
*Ego trip: *The belief that people worship the water you walk on. (Chris
Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
*Bar:* A place characterized by raising of glasses and lowering of
morals. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
*Good old days: *When we could afford two spaces after a period. (Mary
** *Bridgegate:* The story of how clogged arteries caused a fat
politician’s demise. (Dave Airozo)
*Buyer’s remorse: *Coming to a neighborhood near you on January
twenty-first. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)
*Cialis:* You want something to happen? Get in the same bathtub, dummy!
*“Drain the swamp”:* Get rid of those who don’t look like you. (Mae
*Cubs:* A team that has managed to disappoint its most masochistic fans.
*Dieter: *Someone who counts the calories in what everyone else is
eating. (Chris Doyle)
*Diplomacy:* The art and practice of committing international extortion
without obvious hostility. (Kevin Dopart)
*Election:* A quadrennial event that one is tempted to elect to shun.
(Douglas Raybeck, Amherst, Mass.)
*Electoral college: *Designed over 200 years ago specifically to defeat
your candidate. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.)
*Empty-nesters:* Parents who fear their chickens may come home to roost.
*Exercise bike:* An oddly shaped coat rack usually found in basement
corners. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
*Fine print at the bottom: *An anagram of “Often the important bit.”
*Grace: *The ability to wish a scoundrel well while gritting your teeth.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)
*Mike Pence:* A politician who willingly hitched his wagon to a tsar.
*Pollster:* An oracle who has swapped entrails for numbers, with similar
accuracy. (James W. Hertsch III, Fairfax)
*Roller coaster:* A carnival ride to help you relax after the election.
*Sinkhole:* When God decides a vacation home in Florida needs a
basement. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
*Subway:* Mass transit technology that is rumored to work in other
cities. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
*Supermoon:* No prettier than other hardworking moons, but better lit
and publicized. (Melissa Balmain)
*Tim Kaine:* Someone whose favorite expression is “Don’t quit your day
job.” (Hildy Zampella)
*Tootsie Roll:* Food that, when chewed, helpfully removes old, worn-out
fillings. (Duncan Stevens)
*Understudy:* An actor who /means /“break a leg” when he says it. (Kevin
*Veterinarian:* A sort of magician who pulls things out of a rabbit.
*Voter:* One who studiously gathers all available misinformation about
candidates for office. (Duncan Stevens)
*Voters:* People with their middle fingers on the pols of the nation.
*Loser:* A person who succeeds at a pursuit you deem insufficiently
worthwhile. (Tom Witte)
*Style Invitational:* Contest used to prove who has the most free time.
(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)
*Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 5: two simultaneous
*Week 1202,* song parodies containing some lyrics about hope:
*Week 1203,* what you would do with any of several magical powers: