Style Invitational Week 1199: Go for the bad choices

Plus ‘Citizen Kañe’ and other movie titles altered without changing
any letters

Woud you rather have the ghost watch you and your sweetie in bed, or
telling you jokes while you're on the toilet? Hmm. (Bob Staake/for The
Washington Post)
By Pat Myers Entertainment
October 27

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning altered movie titles)

/Your home is haunted. Would you rather have a ghost that silently
watches you have sex or a ghost that whispers creepy riddles at you
while you’re going to the bathroom?/

/Would you rather have a five-second make-out session with someone who
hasn’t brushed his or her teeth in a year or eat a live spider?/

/Either your best friend gets laid off with two weeks’ pay or you lose
the ability to copy and paste on electronic devices for the rest of your
life. Which do you pick?/

The inspiration for this week's contest: The winner gets this book along
with the Inkin' Memorial.

/Would you agree to go up 1 to 2 points on the attractiveness scale if
it meant that your breath would smell like buttered popcorn the rest of
your life?/

The fortunately preposterous dilemmas cited above are among the
“Questions for Terrible People”

in a new book by that name by Boston comedian Wes Hazard. Hazard offers
“250 questions you’ll be ashamed to answer” — one to a page in
headline-size type — by which you can determine just how scummy a person
you are. **

*This week: Offer one or more funny Questions for Terrible People in
this vein; *they don’t necessarily have to be a choice between two
undesirable alternatives, but the questions should be entertaining in
themselves; we’re not looking for answers here (at least not this week).
See more questions from the book in this week’s Style Conversational
column (published late
Thursday afternoon).

*Submit entries at this website:
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy, plus the “Questions for Terrible People” book. Second place gets
anelectronic toilet paper roller
emits a recording of Donald Trump when you pull on it. Donated by Dave
Prevar, who also gave us the Donald and Hillary pens we offered
recently; of course, by then you’d be listening to either the
president-elect or a total loser.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 7 (since there
won’t be anything else on your mind that day); results published Nov. 27
(online Nov. 23). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See
general contest rules and guidelines at
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*In Week 1195 * we asked you to alter a movie
title — without changing or rearranging any letters: The changes had to
result from changing punctuation, adding or deleting spaces, etc.

least 18 people offered the cannibalism tale of “The Grad U Ate.”

4th place:

*Indiana Jones and the Temp, Leo F. Doom:* Indy’s vacation is cut short
when his nebbishy substitute turns out to be an evil mastermind bent on
global destruction.
(Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.)

3rd place:

*Bob & Carol, & Ted & Alice:* Commas spoil all the fun. (Tim
Westmoreland, Takoma Park, Md., who got his only previous blot of Invite
ink in Week 142 — 21 years ago)

2nd place

and the L-for-Loser bottle stoppers

*All the Presidents — Men:* Limited engagement through Jan. 20, 2017 —
H.R.C., New York
(Ben Aronin and Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*Rebel Without ACA Use:* After losing one too many knife fights, a
teenage loner signs up for Obamacare. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Demotion pictures: honorable mentions

*Citizen Kañe:* The story of Charles Foster’s even more self-centered
relative. (Bruce Johnson, Churchton, Md.)

*Good, Fellas!:* A mob boss finds out that his new “motivation by
positive reinforcement” plan isn’t as effective as the other thing.
(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

*T or A? T or A? T or A?: *Trump finally deliberates over something.
(Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.)

*A Night Tore Member:* Christian Grey realizes he finally overdid it.
(Jill Fosse, University Park, Md.)

*Child Reno: F the Corn!:* Little Janet refuses to eat her vegetables
yet grows up to become a powerful attorney general. (Doug Frank, Crosby,

*Fat Her’s Little Dividend:* Miss Universe exacts revenge on a
presidential candidate. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*Do “G’Day!” After Noon:* A young woman learns the ways of the lunch
shift at Outback Steakhouse. (Doug Frank)

*DA’s Boo-T: * A shapely prosecutor struggles to be taken seriously.
Starring Kim Kardashian. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*Dr.? No!:* A sixth-year PhD student spends another awkward Thanksgiving
with the relatives. (Rivka Liss-Levinson)

*Fat Al Attraction:* Being a weatherman on national TV has its perks,
even if you’re not quite studly. (Doug Frank; Brian Collins, Olney, Md.)

*Fat Hero: “F the Bride”:* A bridesmaid fights back when she’s too big
to fit in the ugly dress that Bridezilla wants her to wear. (Jon
Gearhart, Des Moines)

*Finding NE, MO: *Episode 12 of “Touring the Midwest.” (John Glenn,
Tyler, Tex.)

*GA-ND-HI :* A charismatic leader heads a peaceful protest march from
Atlanta to Fargo to . . . Honolulu? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

*Goodwill Hunt in G: *Five hipsters compete for the biggest thrift store
deal to the hypnotic backing of a piano sonata. (Nathanael Dewhurst,
Lynn, Mass.)

*“Ground-Hog Day”:* A pig farmer’s battle to put the “ham” in
“hamburger.” (Mark Mironer, Edina, Minn., a First Offender)

*Ho Meal One:* Breakfast at Your Mama’s. (Jesse Frankovich)

*The “God, Father!!” Part II:* Sequel to the hit about a teenage
daughter’s embarrassment over her dad’s increasingly ambitious
comb-overs. (Danielle Nowlin)

*Spell “Bound”:* Scandal erupts when the Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee
throws out a softball to a judge’s son. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

*The Break Fast Club:* Comedy: Those gangly college friends find
part-time work in a crystal shop. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

*The Cab, Le Guy: *“Taxi Driver,” reimagined in Paris. (Kristen Rahman,
Silver Spring, Md.)

*Art-Hur:* A lovable drunk is driven through New York City in his
chauffeured chariot. (Jon Grantham, Bowie, Md.)

*La La La, N.D.:* Two workers fall in love at a Prozac manufacturing
plant on the prairie. (Frank Osen)

*Life Is, Beautiful:* Humphrey Bogart stars as an existentialist
philosopher. (Ed Sobansky, Bowie)

*Little Bi G-Man:* The J. Edgar Hoover story. (Mike Creveling, La Plata,
Md.; Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

*Mad Ma X: *In the 10th installment of the series, little Billy still
hasn’t cleaned his pigsty of a room! (Jesse Frankovich)

*Minority, Report!:* President Trump issues his first executive order.
(Stephen Dudzik)

*Mild Red Pierce: *A teen beats infection after a visit to the mall
kiosk. (Josh Calder, Washington)

*No Wand Forever:* Caitlyn Jenner reflects on The Big Decision. (William
Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

*O, Liver!:* An orphan reconsiders asking for more food. (Joe Neff,
Warrington, Pa.)

*Pay It for Ward:* June Cleaver saves the day when the family’s
electricity is shut off. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*Pre-TTY Woman:* Julia Roberts stars in a remake of “The Miracle
Worker.” (David Peckarsky, Tucson, a First Offender)

*Snow: White:* From the “First Things First” series of nature
documentaries. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*’S Now White:* At last, a whimsical animated feature about
gentrification! (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

*The Not e-Book:* A millennial is dumbfounded when he finds a bunch of
papers all stuck together with glue or something. (David Fialkoff, North
Potomac, Md., a First Offender)

*The Shin in G:* A family’s Vermont retreat is disturbed by the
discovery of a human leg in their motel room. (Sarah Jay)

*The Girl With the Drag-On Tattoo: *Ten years after she went in for
“just a tiny little heart” on her hip, she’s on Step 23 of a full-body
angel/demon battle scene. (Danielle Nowlin)

*Mad’m Ax:* Lizzie Borden’s Aussie descendant takes more than a little
bite out of crime. (Stephen Dudzik)

*CA PE Fear:* In Santa Monica, nerds skip gym class to avoid “dodgeball
day.” (Mark Raffman)

*Tomorrow? Never! (Dies.):*In this gritty remake of “Annie,” “only a day
away” is one too many. (Rivka Liss-Levinson)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 31: Our contest to
translate a wordy or misleading sentence into “plain English.” See . *