Style Invitational Week 1191: Mess with our heads

Our recurring contest to reinterpret a headline with a funny ‘bank
head’; plus the top neologisms from Week 1187

Actually, the headline "Big families, squeezed out?" referred to a story
about the dearth of affordable multi-bedroom apartments in Washington.
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers Entertainment
September 1

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning neologisms from Week

/Real Washington Post headline: / *Big families, squeezed out? *
/Fake bank head: / */Plus-size patrons sue Six Flags over small seats on
roller coaster/ * (Brendan Beary)

/Real headline:/ *Lucy, the world’s most famous fossil, may have met her
demise in a fall*
/Bank head: / */Museum technician regrets texting while carrying skull /
*(Dave Prevar)

The Post, in recent years, has put a welcome emphasis on writing lively,
engaging headlines, with less of the “headlinese” language (missing
“the” or “to be” verbs; cliches like “raises ire”). But lively or no,
there should be plenty to choose from in *this week’s contest: *
*Reinterpret (or comment wryly on) a headline appearing in The Post
(print or online) and dated Sept. 1-12 by writing a bank head, or
subtitle, *as in the examples above from the Aug. 30 Post (a few days
ago I invited the Loser Community, on the Style Invitational Devotees
page on Facebook, to contribute ideas for this
week’s sample head/bank combos).

In the print paper, you may use an article’s main headline, or a
significant part of it (for example, everything before or after a
colon); the story’s bank head; or the jump head (the headline on the
story’s second page). Online, you may use not only headlines (or
significant parts) above an article, but also headlines on the home page
and elsewhere that serve as links to the article. And for both, you may
use headlines in ads. See the Style Conversational column for further
guidelines at . (The
Conversational will be published late in the afternoon of Thursday,
Sept. 1.)

Eternally Patient Royal Consort Mark Holt displays this week's second
prize, a fleece cap topped with a whale fin. We will call it (not the
RC) the Dorca. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)

*Submit your entries at this website* /(note, Mr. and Ms. I Have No Use
for Computers: This is a website, not an email address):/
* *.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives yet another in a series of prize hats that
would surely add dignity to any Loser, while subtracting it from anyone
else: This week it’s a fleecy whale-motif hat,

complete with big flippery tail at the top. We will call it the Dorca.
Donated years ago by Universal Prize Donor Cheryl Davis.

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or our new Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.”
Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 12; results
published Oct. 2 (online Sept. 29). You may submit up to 25 entries per
contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at
. Both “Snip Judgment” and the
honorable-mentions subhead are by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

In Week 1187 we asked you to drop the last letter from any word, name or
phrase, then describe the resulting neologism. In the late-summer deluge
of more than 2,000 entries, the Empress received 23 separate ideas for
“Faceboo,” suggesting everything from Unlike-buttons to zits, none of
them quite inkworthy.

4th place:

*World Wide We:* Oneness and harmony with all humankind. Mutually
exclusive with Internet use. (Daniel Galef, Montclair, N.J., a First

3rd place:

*Prince Charmin:* A seemingly debonair gentleman who turns out to be a
complete ’wipe. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

2nd place

/and the figurine of a teddy bear grabbing Mother Goose around the

*GrateFU:* “Thanks for the foreign aid, but you’re still the Great
Satan.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*Obamacar:* The glitchy second-rate vehicle your partner made you get
because it was cheaper, and now constantly complains about. (Danielle
Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

Clip flops: honorable mentions

*The Nuclear Butto:* Someone who’d ask: If we have all these atomic
weapons, why couldn’t we use them? (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

*Swimming poo:* Going off the Depend. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

*Billie Jean Kin:* Son of Michael Jackson — though he denied it (Kevin
Tingley, Vienna, Va.)

*Invertebrat:* One as spoiled as he is spineless. (Nathanael Dewhurst,
Lynn, Mass.)

*Capture the Fla.:* All-or-nothing game played by Bush and Gore in 2000.
(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

*Canada goos:* Hazards in the grass near any large pond. (Larry Gray)

*VuLGA:* Language used by New Yorkers whose flights have been canceled.
(Pete Kinsella, Glen Allen, Va.)

*Humble pi:* “3.1 is close enough.” (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

*Equipmen:* Guys who get a fourth date (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*Achilles hee:* The one little spot you’re ticklish. (Danielle Nowlin)

*Finge:* The shortest digit on the shop teacher’s hand. (Sylvia Betts,
Vancouver, B.C.)

*PharMac:* A burger made with no natural ingredients. (Dudley Thompson,
Cary, N.C.)

*Beltwa:* Cry of despair at 10 miles of brake lights. (Ellen Ryan,
Rockville, Md.)

*Blunderbus:* Metro’s alternative transportation solution during
SafeTrack work. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

*Universit:* The traditional four-year waiting period before a student
graduates to debt. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*Militar:* An invisible substance that keeps America mired in a war.
(Lawrence McGuire)

*Chevrolé:* “Yay! That new manufacturing plant is going to bring a lot
of jobs here!” (Danielle Nowlin)

*Unequa:* Native American tribe vanquished by the U.S. Cavalry. (William
Liss-Levinson, Great Neck, N.Y., a First Offender)

*Heavy Meta: *Aggressive style of music with lyrics that focus on
describing an aggressive style of music (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)

*Websit:* Why American rear ends have expanded since 1993. (Ellen Ryan)

*Outloo:* The software Hillary used to dump her email. (Kevin Dopart,

*Asphal:* The outcome of my extremely brief attempt at skateboarding.
(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

*LaundroMa:* Not my preferred job description, son. (Ann Martin, Falls
Church, Va.)

*Unloade:* Loaded, as in “Don’t worry, this gun is unloade . . .” (John
Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)

*The Dead Poo:* The number two movie of the year! (Mark Prysant, Silver
Spring, Md., a First Offender)

*Parent-hoo:* Any kid knows that “If you make that face, it’s going to
freeze that way” is pure parent-hoo. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*Gobbledegoo:* turkey-flavored Jell-O. (Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.)

*Confederat:* Someone who uses “heritage” to excuse bigotry. (Joanne
Free, Clifton, Va.)

*Labore:* The first-time mom who never stops recounting the agony and
ecstasy of childbirth. (Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.)

*Ketchu:* A sneeze with a bloody nose. (Mark Raffman)

*Stupid as. . . :* Someone so clueless you can’t even describe how
clueless. (Burt Freiman, East Amherst, N.Y.)

*“Your call is very important to u”:* But not to us! (Jamie Martindale,
newly relocated to Riga, Latvia)

*All the world’s a stag:* And the men merely playas. (Susan Geariety,
Menifee, Calif.)

*A tooth for a toot:* Worst. Deal. Ever. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

*Grind to a HAL:* What your computer sometimes does — clearly with spite
— when you’re on deadline. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

*Running mat:* The lesser half of a presidential ticket. (Chris Doyle,
Denton, Tex.)

*Newscaste:* The mainstream media or, as I call them, the lowest form of
life. – D. Trump (Chris Doyle)

*Washington POS:* Any op-ed piece that I disagree with (G.T. Bowman,
Falls Church, Va.)

*The beaten Pat:* A contest judge after reading hundreds of entries from
folks who think instructions are for the less gifted. (Lawrence McGuire)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 5: our name-chain contest.
See . *