Style Invitational Week 1188: Just short words


Explain a concept with only 1-syllable words; plus the winning
nominations for alternative presidential candidates



Announcing the latest Style Invitational Grossery Bag for runners-up;
the slogan, by Tom Witte, got ink in the 2012 contest that also provided
the ideas for our first two Grossery Bags. Third- and fourth- (and
first-) place Losers can choose between this bag and one of the Loser
mugs until the mugs run out; we'll get more of them in 2017. (Design by
Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers Entertainment
August 11



(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning nominations for
alternative presidential candidates)

*God told us, “Thou shalt not kill.”*
*We say sure, but it’s fine to kill folks who don’t like our God.*
*God says, “No, thou shalt not kill.”*
*We say sure, but it’s cool so long as it’s just those guys who dress in
rags and have beards.*
*God says, “No, write this down. Thou shalt not kill.”*
*We say, “Sure. Now who is this “thou” guy you mean? *— Robert Carlisle,
Week 495

These days, at least among tens of millions of U.S. citizens, the best
way to impress people is to speak to them on a first-grade level, no
matter how complicated the subject. Loser Matt Monitto recently reminded
the Empress of a contest that her predecessor, the Czar, ran in 2003,
and that the Empress had never tried: *This week: Explain some concept
or philosophy entirely in words of one syllable, *as in the Week 495
runner-up above. (See the rest of the 2003 results in this week’s Style
Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1188.
(published late Thursday afternoon, Aug. 11). Maximum 100 words, but
much shorter is also fine.


For this week’s second-place finisher, two essential looks for maximum
Loserosity.

*Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1188
. *

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a two-pack of Groucho-type nose/glasses,
each
with a special enhancement: One has a wart-shaped knob on the nose; when
you twist it, the attached eyebrows and mustache wiggle. The other is
called Snot Nose Glasses and has a plastic blob hanging off it. Donated
by Losers Nan Reiner and (long, long ago) Peter Metrinko, respectively. **

*Other runners-up* win their choice of the brand-new Grossery Bag we
show this week; a yearned-for Loser Mug;
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug;

or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 22; results
published, oh boy, Sept. 11 (online Sept. 8). You may submit up to 25
entries per contest. See contest rules and guidelines at
wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s
results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse
Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on
Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.

And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . .

*WRY-IN CANDIDATES: THE WINNING PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATIONS FROM WEEK 1184 *
** *In Week 1184,* noting the disappointment so many Americans say they
feel about the two major-party presidential candidates, to suggest
someone — or something — as a better alternative (we also allowed ideas
for prez-veep tickets).

Many of you power brokers nominated candidates
on a common theme, including Ernest and Julio Gallo: *Make America Grape
Again;* Tony the Tiger: *Make America Grrrreat Again;* a wheel of
parmesan cheese: *Make America Grate Again; *Viagra:*Make America Mate
Again;* Vladi­mir and Estragon: *Make America Wait Again;* and Beyoncé:
*Make America Gyrate Again. *

4th place

Vote for *Torquemada:* Law and order /and/ religious values — a twofer!
(Steve Honley, Washington)

3rd place

*A wad of cash:* It’s been in charge for a while already. (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

2nd place and the doorstop that looks like a red splat of goo:

*Mother Teresa,* who presumably is in Heaven, would surely win — since
so many voters say they’d prefer Nun of the Above. (Gary Crockett, Chevy
Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

Vote for the Cyclops/Stuart the Minion ticket to solve our nation’s
crisis: Eye Alone Can Fix It.
(Annette
Green, Lexington, Va.)

The system is rigged!: honorable mentions

Yes, I know that this potential candidate has fallen out of favor with
women voters, and there are worries that a run would ruin the party. But
America needs a leader strong enough to be in control at the top and can
lend support to the masses at the bottom. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m
going with *President Pantyhose!* (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)

*Wayne LaPierre* would make a good president — but why would he want to
give up so much power? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

My fellow Americans, now is the time to elect the *Charles, Romano and
Bolger families. *Because we really need to be improving Ray’s
relations. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

America should elect *Sisyphus:* He’s been in training for this kind of
job all his afterlife. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Vote for *Penn and Teller!* Wait — which one doesn’t talk? Okay, make
that Teller and Penn. (Hildy Zampella)

Nominate Bob Staake to draw*two cartoon characters *to run against each
other. Oh, wait. (Frank Mann, Washington)

*Siri/Watson* 2016: All the benefits of unreliability and
untrustworthiness without that awkward human element. (Ivars Kuskevics,
Takoma Park, Md.)

*Melania Trump:* She isn’t afraid to stand up and say what Michelle
Obama thinks. (Dave Zarrow, Reston)

*/Sitophilus granarius/ * would be preferable to /Anthonomus grandis/
for president, being the lesser of the two weevils. (Gary Crockett)

If we’re going for a lady who can’t reliably use her email, we ought to
elect *my grandma.* Lots of people like /her./ (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax
Station, Va.)

*Chris Christie *is someone I think everybody could get behind.
Literally. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Both of the nominees should reconsider their running mates and choose
*Bill Clinton * for veep — after all, he’s renowned as a president of
vice. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Vote *Vincent Orange/Fiona Apple:* They’re incomparable. (David Lang,
Olney, Md., who got his only previous ink 13 years ago)

My vote goes to the*Alan Dershowitz/Gloria Allred *celebrity-lawyer
ticket: They’re both passionate about defending stars in stripes. (Mike
Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

*Homer Simpson/ Ned Flanders,* because nothing says “America” like a
narcissistic, ignorant blowhard teamed with a religious zealot. Um . . .
(Ed Sobansky, Bowie, Md.)

*John Wall * — and let Mexico pay his salary. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Elect the *bigmouth know-it-all from the break room at work: *First,
they already know what is wrong with everything and how to fix it.
Second, it would get them out of the break room at work. (Robyn Carlson,
Keyser, W.Va.)

*Speedy the Alka-Seltzer kid:* Americans need look no further than this
tiny titan of the business world, the perfect (over-the)
counter-candidate. Loved by millions for his odd combination of fizzy
optimism and deflationary policies. And globally respected for his
relief work. (Dave McCord, Bel Air, Md., a First Offender)

America needs a guy who understands the need for security — elect *Linus
van Pelt!*
(Jane
Auerbach, Los Angeles)

If you put 18 Republicans and some bacon grease in a blender, run it on
high and then let it stand for a few minutes, the bacon grease will
float to the top and coagulate. So, apparently *bacon grease *would make
a good president. (Warren Tanabe)

*Shaquille O’Neal *would make a good president — have you seen the size
of his hands? (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Let us elect the *D.C. Madam and her staff.* As president, vice
president and members of the Cabinet, they will merely be confirming the
obvious: Offer politicians enough money, and they’ll take any position
you want. (Nan Reiner)

*Bozo the Clown *should be president because . . . oh wait, you said you
wanted an/alternative/ candidate. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)



Finally, a candidate that will stand firm, with a long history of
supporting senior citizens. *Viagra* for president! (John Hutchins,
Silver Spring, Md.)

For president and VP: *writers for “Law and Order,”* because they can
solve any problem in 44 minutes. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

What about *Dan Quayle?* I mean, he was at least harmless. Anybody got
his number? (David Ballard, Reston, Va.)

Vote for *Chuck Norris* — or else. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 15: our contest to drop the
last letter from a word and describe the result. See bit.ly/invite1187
. *