Style Invitational Week 1187: Just drop it, okay? A new neologism contest





Plus the winning ‘If xxxx were honest ...’ entries of Week 1183


Tycoo: The quiet firer. This week's contest is to drop the last letter
from a word and describe the result. (Bob Staake/for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers Entertainment
August 4



(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning “If xxx were honest”
jokes.)

*Tycoo: To fire an underling using a soft voice.*

*Witles: Cuts down one’s IQ.*

*Air filte: A very light Jewish delicacy.*

Delight your little one with this week’s second prize: Nurse Ratched
Bear strangling Mother Goose. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post )

Back inWeek 733,

nine years ago, we ran a contest in which we asked you to create a new
word by dropping the first letter from an existing one.
Eighty-eight-time Loser Matt Monitto suggests we turn it around.*This
week: Drop the last letter from an existing word, phrase or name and
define the result,* as in Bob Staake’s “tycoo” and Matt’s examples
above. You may add hyphens.

Submit your entries through this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1187
.
If for some reason you can’t get it to work, you may email your entry to
pat.myers@washpost.com; be sure to include your postal address, and to
put “Week 1187” in the subject line of the email.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a little “collectible” knickknack of a
bear in a dress throttling Mother Goose, all mounted on a spring that’s
mounted on a “book” open to that horrible nursery rhyme
telling
children how unlucky they were to be born or a Wednesday or Thursday.
Brought across the Atlantic Ocean and delivered directly into the
Empress’s hand by Loser Jayne Osborn of Wellingborough,
Northamptonshire, Formerly Europe.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 15; results
published Sept. 4 (online Sept. 1). You may submit up to 25 entries per
contest. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules
. The headline “The har truth” was suggested by
both Chris Doyle and Nan Reiner; the honorable-mentions subhead is by
Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on
Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.


*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*THE HAR TRUTH: THE ‘HONEST’ RESULTS OF WEEk 1183*
*In Week 1183 * we asked for musings roughly
in the form of “If xxxx were more honest, then . . .”

Numerous Losers
cracked: If Trump (or If Clinton) were more honest, he/she’d still be
almost totally dishonest.

4th place:

*If NBA players* were more honest, when a teammate missed the first of
two foul shots, they would slap his face rather than his hand. (Howard
Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

3rd place:

*If seed catalogues* were more honest, they would tell you that all
photos are of professional flowers/vegetables/fruit that are paid to
pose. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)

2nd place and the Illumibowl rotating-color toilet light:

*If Dunkin’ Donuts* were more honest, it would change its slogan
to
“America Waddles on Dunkin.’ ” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*If salespeople* were more honest, they wouldn’t keep asking, “Can I be
honest with you?” (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.)

Outliars: honorable mentions

*If credit cards *were named more honestly, they would be called debt
cards. (Scott Miller, Porter Ranch, Calif., a First Offender)

*If Kellogg’s *were more honest, it would admit that Snap, Crackle and
Pop sound pretty much sound the same. (Rob Huffman, vacationing in
Reykjavik, Iceland)

*If Kanye West *were more honest, he would embrace his talent and
overcome his shy modesty. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.)

*If laptops *were more honest, they’d be called catbottoms. (Amanda
Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)

*If Canadians *were being honest, they’d let us know that if Trump wins,
THEY will build a wall. (Peter Hammond, Potomac, Md., a First Offender)

*If Hillary Clinton* were more honest, it would prove she really is
willing to try anything to get elected. (John Hutchins. Silver Spring, Md.)

*If Hillary Clinton* were more honest, Vincent Foster, Chris Stevens and
the crew of the Edmund Fitzgerald would be alive today. — Rep. Trey
Gowdy (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*If police* were more honest, they would charge people with “asking for
a badge number” rather than “resisting arrest.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*If cellphone companies *were honest, they would just have a single
button at the bottom of their license agreements, reading, “I accept,
but I have no idea what I just accepted.” (Duncan Stevens)

*If 7-Eleven *were more honest about its drink sizes, they would be
called Half-, Full-, Strained- and Burst-Bladder. (Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)

*If lifetime warranties *were more honest, they would be called “We’re
betting that you’re too lazy to mail this item back to us.” (David
Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

*If my GPS *were more honest, it'd replace “Recalculating” with “What
the hell are you DOING?!?" (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*If Sam’s Club *were more honest, it’d remind us that we already have
three unopened gallon buckets of mayonnaise in the pantry. (Warren
Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

*If my kids *were more honest, they’d admit that my sense of style is
pretty groovy. (David Ballard)

A more honest name for *Fruit Roll-Ups *would be Corn Syrup Fly Paper.
(Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)

*If Your Mama *were more honest, she wouldn’t call you Junior. (John
Hutchins)

*If lotteries *were more honest, they would be called “notalotteries.”
(Philip Justus, Potomac, Md.)

*If air hand dryers in public bathrooms *were labeled more honestly,
they would be called pre-pants hand dryers. (Annette Green)

*If airlines *were more honest, they’d call reclining seats “midair
melee instigators.” (Frank Mann, Washington)

*If my wife *were more honest, that would be a bad thing. (Todd DeLap)

*If lawyers *were more honest, we’d lose some of our best jokes. (Jon
Gearhart, Des Moines)

*If Hillshire Brands* were honest, it would specify that Jimmy Dean
sausages contain little or no Jimmy Dean. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

*If dating sites* were more honest about profile pictures, they would
include the disclaimer “Actual size may vary.” Or “Some settling of
contents may have occurred.” (Lee Graham, Arlington, Va.)

*If tanning salons* were more honest, they would be called rotisserie
human cafes. (Scott Miller)

*If deodorant makers* were more honest, they’d sell Soft & Dri Clothing
Paint. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

*If dairy companies* were more honest, they’d put it on the label that
their milk comes from the actual nipples of animals, like those gross
women who breastfeed their babies in public, but even more disgusting!
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*If pears* were named more honestly, they would be called ones. (Scott
Miller)

*If Hallmark *were more honest, its slogan would be: “When you care
enough to send a card but not a present.” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery,
Ala.)

*If Hillary Clinton* were more honest, she would admit that her email
scandal started with an ad that read, “Is Your Email Secure? Click Here
to Find Out.” (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*If I *were more honest, I’d admit that I don’t think it was worth the
$20,000 I spent to see Lin-Manuel Miranda’s final Broadway performance
in “Hamilton.” The casting was horrible — I’m no historian, but I
thought that Thomas Jefferson was white. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

*If infomercials* were more honest, they’d market exercise bikes as
clothes racks right up front. (Jon Gearhart)

*If NPR hosts* were more honest, they would giggle whenever they read a
promo for the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. (Duncan Stevens)

*If Playboy *were more honest, they’d go by their full name: “Play With
Yourself, Boy.” (Pete Morelewicz, Washington)



*If Nike *were more honest, it would admit that the unjust do it, too.
(Kevin Dopart)

*If What3Words *were more honest, my house would be labeled
“painful.lego.minefield.” (Todd DeLap)

*If De Beers* were more honest, its slogan would be “a diamond is always
pawnable.” (Kevin Dopart)

*If The Washington Post *were more honest, it would be called The
Washington Please Post This on Facebook. (Carol Teitelbaum, Olney, Md.,
a First Offender)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 8: our contest for poems
based on anagrams. See bit.ly/invite1186. *