Style Invitational Week 1184: Plan C — nominate another presidential

Don’t like the choices? Suggest another person — or thing. Plus:
Tinkering with comic strips.

Don’t like the choices? Suggest another person — or thing. Plus:
Tinkering with comic strips.

Fourth place: by Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va. (From "Mark Trail," by
James Allen, North America Syndicate, altered by Bob Staake for The
Washington Post))
By Pat Myers Entertainment
July 14

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winners of the contest to
change or add a line to a comic strip panel )

*Elect Bert from “Sesame Street”: It’s time, after all these years, to
have a man of letters in the White House.* /(Stephen Dudzik, Peter
Metrinko, Week 782, October 2008)/

*Vote Benedict Arnold for president: Now here’s a candidate who has
really fought for change in American government! * /(Rick Wood)/

*What voters want above all else is consistency, and no one else on the
ballot can match tapioca pudding in that regard . . . * /(Brendan Beary) /

Honorable mention: by Kevin Dopart, Washington (From "Judge Parker," by
Wilson and Manley, North America Syndicate, altered by Bob Staake for
The Washington Post))

Eight years ago — a few weeks before 60 million U.S. citizens would vote
for a certain hockey mom to become the president of the United States in
case a bad thing happened to her would-be boss, a man in his mid-70s —
The Style Invitational offered some other options. In Week 782,

the Empress printed a 16-item list of potential candidates, including
Bert, Benedict and Tapioca, and asked the Loser Community to explain why
any of them should be president.
This year, as both of the presumptive (evidently a word meaning “icky”)
nominees are among the least popular candidates in history, it’s surely
time again for the Invite to produce some alternative candidates, as
Loser Jerry Birchmore suggested to the Empress. But this year we’ll take
nominations from the floor. *This week: Explain why some novel person
(or thing) should be president; you could also suggest a president-veep
ticket. * /Note to the humor-impaired: The Style Invitational is a humor
contest. /

*Submit entries at this website:


Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a cool rubber doorstop that looks like a
big red splat of goo. Donated by Roy and Inge Ashley.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday, July 25; results published
Aug. 14 (online Aug. 11). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest.
See contest rules and guidelines at
. The “Retooning” headline is by Chris Doyle;
the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively
Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

In Week 1180 we invited you to choose any
comic strip or panel that appeared in The Post, in print or online, over
a 12-day period, and either (a) add or replace a line of dialogue or (b)
provide a question that a line in the comic could answer (it didn’t have
to be said to the character in the strip). The links below on the
comics’ names show you the original strips.

For the unhinged door-opener: a splatty-looking doorstop, this week's
second prize.
4th place:

/Original line: / *Deep in northwestern Cameroon, near the Ni­ger­ian
border, lies a killer! * /(“Mark Trail”)/
The Jungle Cafe doesn’t offer a single gluten-free entree! (Robyn
Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)

3rd place:

*A. I’d never forget it if you guys cleaned out the garage for me. *
/(From “Blondie” )/
Q. What’s a really weird way to ask for a colonoscopy appointment?
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

2nd place

/and the fabulous noodly beanie

*A. I hate trying to depose millennials.
* /(From “Dustin”
/ Q. What did President Obama mutter about Kim Jong Un? (Steve Honley,

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*I’m the least racist person you’ll ever meet. * /(“Doonesbury,”
actual Trump quote)/
/Added line: / “I’m so not racist, let me tell you, I won’t even let
those Mexicans who clean my buildings use Spic and Span.” (Lawrence
McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

Median strips:
honorable mentions

*A. With my bare hand? * /(“Zits,”
Q. What did Paul Ryan say when advisers told him to have a friendly
handshake with Donald Trump? (Duncan Stevens)

*A. I play the whimsical dung beetle.* /(“Baby Blues”)
Q. Is there any odder-named musical instrument than the sackbut? (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*Behold the power of Chad! * /“Big Nate”)/

How might the Supreme Court have tweeted its /Bush v. Gore /ruling?
(Steve Honley)

*It’s days like this I wish I was a dentist!* /(“Hagar the Horrible”
What’s the last thing you want to hear during your root canal surgery?
(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

*Well, I’d like to give him a shot, anyway.* /(“Dustin”
“I know that crying infants on airplanes annoy you, but don’t you think
vodka is a little drastic?” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*Is the hour up? I’m about to explode!* /(“Baby Blues”
“I’m sorry, Secretary Clinton, but your opponent insisted there be no
‘disgusting’ bathroom breaks allowed during the debate.” (Annette Green,
Lexington, Va.)

*I now control the one thing I most need to fulfill my destiny!*
/(“Prince Valiant” ) /
How did Hillary Clinton say thank you to Bernie Sanders after he told
his supporters to vote for her? (Lawrence McGuire)

*Hey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed — I can’t fly.* /(“The Amazing
Spider-Man” )|/
But you can still buy plenty of guns, right? (Frank Mann, Washington)

*We look forward to topping it next year.* /(“Blondie”)
Why did you order a large plain pizza for this year’s Procrastinators’
Club annual dinner? (Stuart Backer, Falls Church, Va.)

*You’re the most brilliant human alive. *
. What’s the one phrase Donald Trump’s parrot can say perfectly? (John

*Let’s try this classic from the ’80s.* (“Sherman’s Lagoon”
/Added line: /“Okay, fine, I get it. I’ll clean out the pantry
tomorrow.” (Mark Raffman)

*Let’s have Mexican tonight.* /(“Mother Goose and Grimm”
“Mr. Trump, who are you going to bash in your next speech: immigrants,
Muslims or women?” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

*A recent study found that one in four people would date a robot. *
(“Mike du Jour” )
At least I’d know what buttons to push. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

*I shall take her by the hand, and invite her to have a root beer with
me.* (/“Peanuts”/ )
What did Kanye West probably not say to himself when he saw Kim
Kardashian? (Duncan Stevens)

*You should know that owning one of my own would be close to a religious
experience for me.* /(“Baby Blues”
) /

What did David Koch say while shopping for his first congressman? (Jon
Gearhart, Des Moines)

*I heard some talk about it a while ago. I’m glad they’re finally doing
it. * /(“Mary Worth” ) /
What did no mother ever say about her teenage daughter and her
boyfriend? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*Yeah.* /(“Overboard” )/
Speaker Ryan, are you excited about supporting the nominee? (Duncan

*Thank God I’m stoned. * /(“Doonesbury”
) /
What four words never came out of the mouth of an Old Testament
adulteress? (Lawrence McGuire)

*A nice home, good health and relative financial security? * /(/ “Zits”)
Can you name the three elements of the American Pipe Dream? (Lawrence

*I think that story is going to blow up into something big.* /(“Judge
Parker” )/
What was Donald Trump’s response when he heard that Hillary Clinton had
French toast for breakfast? (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.)

*I couldn’t have done either if I didn’t wield the wondrous Wand of
Watoomb.* /(“The Amazing Spider-Man”
Mr. Cuccinelli, how did you manage to support an invasive medical

and alienate more than half the voters in Virginia? (Mark Raffman)

*Oh, yes, he’s always been very willing to do nothing for me.*
/(“Pickles” )/
“Did you really call Senator Sanders “helpful,” Secretary Clinton?”
(John O’Byrne, Dublin)