Style Invitational Week 1183: C’mon, be honest

Plus ‘BBC And Chill’ and other winning ABC, BAC, etc., phrases

If they were more honest, car manufacturers would market "self-braking"
cars as "texting-enabling." (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers Entertainment
July 7

*If carmakers were more honest, they would be marketing automatic
braking as “texting-enabling.” *(Chris Doyle)

*If the prunes called Sunsweet Ones were sold more honestly, they would
be called Twos.* (Jeff Contompasis)

*If graduate schools were more honest, they’d be called Holding
Patterns.* (Phil Frankenfeld)

This week’s contest sprang from some Loserly musings

a while back on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook (yes,
you too can join! — the Devotees
will even anagram your name as a welcoming gift). Loser 4 Ever Jeff
Contompasis had reported “a germ of a contest idea festering in my
brain. If X were more Y it would be Z.” Other Devotees, their brains
perhaps similarly festering, weighed in with more ideas. We’ll go with
one of the suggested Y’s: *This week: Write something in roughly the
form of “If X were more honest, (then) Y,”* as in the examples above.

Melissa Balmain, a poet who teaches at the University of Rochester, will
be adding this fine prize to her many other awards and accolades. (Pat
Myers/The Washington Post )

*NEW: No more emailing entries! Instead, submit them at this website: (all
lowercase). *

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place

The Illumibowl, a battery-operated,
motion-activated device that lights up your toilet bowl in your choice
of six colors, or a continuous rotation. (At least yellow is not among
them.) If you aspire to compose some blue humor for a future Invite, we
gotcher inspiration-throne right here. Donated by That Very Same Jeff

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 18; results
published Aug. 7 (online Aug. 4). You may submit up to 25 entries per
contest. See contest rules and guidelines at
. The headline for this week’s results and the
honorable-mentions subhead are both by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively
Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

*ABC’ing You: Report from Week 1179*
*In Week 1179 * we asked for some fanciful
ABC (or BAC, CBA, etc.) phrases.

“Maniacal Noxious Orange: trending
color in spray-on tans,” by 155-time Loser Bird Waring, was certainly
fanciful, but a tad alphabetically challenged. Loser.

This week’s prize, the Illumibowl, is perfect for a “Game of Thrones”
fan. Here’s one of the six colors the motion-activated light offers.

4th place:

*Business Class Alternative:* Leg-shortening surgery so you can fly
comfortably in coach. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md., who’s about 6-6)

3rd place:

*Carolina Bathroom Attendants:* “Our business is watching yours.” (Jon
Gearhart, Des Moines)

2nd place

and thefarting-grandpa bubble machine

*Aryan Battle Cry:* “They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime.
They’re rapists . . . ” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*Cot And Bagel:* A low-budget bed and breakfast. (Chris Damm, Charles
Town, W.Va.)

A Cut Below: honorable mentions

*Concealing By Acronym:* A way of hiding one’s true message, as in
“*MAKE AMERICA G*et *R*eally *E*xclusive *A*nd *T*errifying *AGAIN.*”
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

*Assured Commercial Bankruptcy:* What was stamped on the business loan
application for Leakies brand diapers. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

*Anesthesia by Clinton:* Box set of the candidate’s favorite policy
speeches. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*Before Advent of Cellphones:* Term denoting ancient times. “Your mom’s
hairstyle is, like, BAC.” (Edward Gordon, Austin)

*Aluminum Blocking Chapeau:* For those special occasions when your
ordinary tinfoil hat just won’t do. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)

*Aging-Brain Cramp:* Also known as a senior moment. (Chris Doyle,
Denton, Tex.)

*Audacious Brass Cojones:* A “presidential” quality required to utter
phrases like “I am not a crook,” “I did not have sexual relations with
that woman” or “The Hispanics love me!” (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*Census Approximation Bureau:* The government’s plan to save billions by
hiring one guy to browse Google Maps on an iPhone. (Jeff Shirley,
Richmond, Va.)

*Cummerbunds And Beanies:* Specialty fashion store that quickly fired
its market research team. (Jeff Shirley)

*BBC And Chill:* The Anglophile’s alternative to Netflix. (George-Ann
Rosenberg, Washington)

*Bactrian Cataract Acupuncture:* An alternative medical procedure in
which a needle is passed through the eye of a camel. (Chris Doyle)

*Below-Average Children:* Lake Wobegon’s dirty little secret. (John
Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

*Certified Business Abomination:* The creep in accounting who wants to
go over your travel claim with you in person. (Drew Bennett, West
Plains, Mo.)

*Beltway’s Congested Again:* Metro’s new slogan, replacing “Sometimes
We’re Not on Fire” (Alex Jeffrey, Columbia, Md.)

*“Arty! (Carnage! Boobs!)”:* How “Game of Thrones” was pitched to HBO.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*Boneless Chicken Association:* Raising rubbery, nugget-shaped birds
since 1983. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.)

*“A Bear!” (Crunch.):* The final line in Quentin Tarantino’s new
Goldilocks film. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)

*Collective Boinking Agreement:* Needed when there are lots of friends
with lots of benefits. (Duncan Stevens)

*Angry Birds Champion:* What you should not list under “Awards” on your
résumé. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*Cows Blasting Aardvarks:* “Shouldn’t we try to think of something other
than another Angry Birds rip-off, boss?”
“Whatever; just code something and get it out the door.” (Will Cramer,
Herndon, Va.)

*“A Bollywood Christmas”:* The Hallmark Channel tries “diversity.” (John

*Bunyan’s Ax Conundrum:* Why is it that even though he’s got the biggest
tool, the best Babe he can get is an ox? (Mark Raffman)

*Carbon-Based Assistance:* Highly unusual phenomenon occurring when your
call to customer service is answered by an actual human. (Hildy Zampella)

*Cut And Bun:* A discount cosmetic surgery clinic. (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village, Md.)

*“Affairs, Being, Confusion”:* How fifth-grade wiseacre Ethan Splunk
responded when asked by his geography teacher to name three states.
(Kimberly Baer, Woodbridge, Va.)

*Congressional Buyout Auction:* Where lobbyists do their bidding to
ensure that Congress also does their bidding. (Jon Gearhart)

*Anheuser-Busch Casket:* It’s the king of biers! (Chris Doyle)

/And Last: / *Be Awarded Crap:* Motivational cheer for Style
Invitational entrants. (Duncan Stevens)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, July 11: Our What3Words map
discovery contest. See *