The Washington Post

Style Invitational Week 1166: Questionable Journalism, plus winning
Oniony headlines

Our perennial contest to reinterpret sentences from Washington Post

“A. It was a no-brainer, he said. Q. Why did the zombie send back his
restaurant meal?” Mark Raffman’s example for this week’s contest. (Bob
Staake for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers March 10

(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s winning Onion-style

*A. It was a no-brainer, he said. * /(The Washington Post, March 7)
/ *Q. Why did the zombie send back his restaurant meal? * /(Mark Raffman)/

The Evolution Eraser: Finish second and rub out humanity. Or at least
simianity. (

*A. At least it did on Friday night, when the Washington Concert Opera
brought it to Lisner Auditorium.* /(The Post) /
*Q. Is Koko the Poo-Flinging Monkey always going to pick the worst time
to misbehave?* /(Brendan Beary)/

*A. “It’s not nearly as complicated for us as it is for him.”* /(The Post)/
*Q. When asked to remove their heads from their posteriors, what did two
of the three Republican front-runners reply?* /(Marni Penning Coleman)/

This perennial Style Invitational contest — we’ve run it at least 10
times since 1998— has never failed us. *This week: Take a sentence (or
most of a sentence) that appears in text (not a headline) in The
Washington Post or on dated March 10-21* *and make up
a question that the sentence could answer,* as in the examples above
from earlier this week; the Empress solicited them in the Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. If
you’re using print stories, include the date and page number; for online
stories, copying out the URL above or below your entry would be very
helpful (but please do /not /embed the link within the entry itself).

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives an Invite Desk Set consisting of
an*Evolution eraser *— abeautiful two-inch-tall creation
in the shape of an ape on one end and a man on the other, so as you
erase, you can “evolve” toward the man (or perhaps toward the ape) —
and*the iPlunge,

* a nifty cellphone stand in the shape of a toilet plunger. Donated eons
ago by Losers Kevin Dopart and Nandini Lal, respectively.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or a vintage Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of our
lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Email entries to /
. /Deadline is Monday night, March 21;
results published April 10 (online April 7). You may submit up to 25
entries per contest. Include “Week 1166” in your email subject line or
it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and
phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at . The headline for this week’s
results is by Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by William
Kennard. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook
at / ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of
results. Especially if you plan to enter Week 1166, check it out at

What Loser’s desk is complete without something in a toilet theme? The
second-place finisher also gets the iPlunge. (

And from the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks ago . . .

In Week 1162 we asked for headlines in the style of the Onion’s

We got plenty of both the real-issues-satire
type and the treat-little-daily-behaviors-as-news type — around 1,700 in
all. And a lot of them were from first-time entrants, so it’s not so
surprising we have six First Offenders this week; their names are marked
with asterisks.

4th place:

Barry Gibb Announces Dates Of Bee Gee
Tour (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

3rd place:

Mel Gibson’s Career Destroyed By Jewish Distillers, Zionist Bartenders
(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

2nd place and the 1926 sex manual “Ideal Marriage”:

Winner Of $100 Lotto Scratch-Off Probably Won’t Quit Job (Mark Briscoe,
Alexandria, Va., whose last blot of Invite ink was in 2005 — for a
headline contest)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

ISIS Now Offering Tote Bag With 5-Year Membership (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Creamed Onions: honorable mentions

*Meghan Trainor Angers Fans With New 80% Bass, 20% Treble Mix* (Brendan
Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

*St. Louis Gateway Arch Will Follow Rams To Los Angeles* (Larry
McClemons, Annandale, Va.)

*Cat Needs To Be Fed Again, Declares Cat* (Josh Feldblyum, Philadelphia)

*GOP Candidates To Wear Shock Collars To Enforce Debate Time Limits*
(David Graham,* Sterling, Va.)

*Apache High School Adopts Shylock As Mascot* (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

*Local Wag With Great Scalia Joke Itches For ‘Too Soon’ To Be Over*
(Brendan Beary)

*Millions In Path Of Hysterical Winter Weather Forecast* (Bruce Niedt,
Cherry Hill, N.J.)

*32 Oz. Jar Of Kirkland Garlic Was Best Before 02/2011* (Bill Dorner,

*‘Well, That’s 10 Seconds I’ll Never Get Back’ To Replace ‘I Just Threw
Up A Little In My Mouth’ As ‘Ebola of Lame,’ According To Area Teen*
(Sandy Moran, Santa Rosa, Calif.)

*Apple Introduces First Self-Texting Car* (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

*Targeting Pickiest Eaters, McDonald’s Adds Boogers, School Paste To
Happy Meals* (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)

*Chipotle To Serve Only Locally Sourced Bacteria* (Art Grinath, Takoma
Park, Md.)

*Sophomore Trapped Overnight In Campus Safe Space Is Now Triggered By
Safe Spaces* (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa)

** *Holocaust Foundation, Disney Announce World Tour Of ‘Schindler’s
List On Ice’* (Michael Ginsberg,* Nashville)

*Pope Francis Says Sanders ‘Not Christian’* (Robert Schechter, Dix
Hills, N.Y.)

*Obama: ‘I’m Not Giving Trump The Netflix Password’* (Danielle Nowlin,
Fairfax Station, Va.)

*In Bid To Soften Brash Image, Trump Eyes Kanye As Running Mate* (John
Hutchins,* Silver Spring, Md.)

*Jake From State Farm To Wed Rachel From Cardholder Services* (Bill Dorner)

*Linda Continues To Say ‘For All Intensive Purposes’ Despite Being
Corrected By Co-Worker 2 Weeks Ago* (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.)

*GOP Debate: Immigrant, Son of Immigrants, Grandson of Immigrants Argue
Over Who Hates Immigrants More* (Shannon Bartlett Kizer*, Beaverton, Ore.)

*RNC Researchers Strive To Develop Better Code Words By Fall Campaign*
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*Tiger Mom’s Fetus Delays Development To Savor Remaining Me-Time*
(Randal Wetzel, Hagerstown, Md., who last got ink 16 years ago)

*Eying ‘Enhanced Visitor Experience,’ Stonehenge To Install Ferris
Wheel *(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

*Satan Announces New Addition To Admissions: Wait List* (Phil
Frankenfeld, Washington)

*Local Twins Have No Idea What Other Is Thinking* (Jeff Shirley,
Richmond, Va.)

*Lopez, Kardashian, Minaj Share Uncomfortable Flight As Occupants of
Seats 12A, 12B And 12C* (Rob Huffman)

*Attend Community College, Work Cinnabon Part-Time: Malia Reveals Plans
*(Brendan Beary)

*Woman Disguises Knock So Restroom User Will Not Know She Knocked Before
*(Sandy Moran)

*1 Percenters Granted Protected Minority Status* (Mary Kappus, Washington)

*Trump To Drop Presidential Bid After Encounter With Younger, Prettier
Country* (Lee Graham,* Arlington, Va.)

*Ted Cruz’s Trousers Spontaneously Ignite At Town Hall Meeting *(Chris
Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

* Regular Mechanic Inquires What Clown Installed These Brake
Pads* (Sandy Moran)

*Spinach Cans Were Spiked With Steroids, Olive Oyl Confesses* (Rachel
Bernhardt, Silver Spring, Md.)

*Christie Proudly Displays ‘N.H. Primary Participant’ Trophy In
Governor’s Mansion* (Brian Finch*, Reston, Va.)

*Despite Blowing Out All His Birthday Candles, Area Boy Not Starting For
Golden State Warriors* (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*EPA Approves Homeland Security Low-Flow Waterboarding Plan* (Elden
Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)

*Experts Agree ‘Obama Nominee’ is Just Plain Fun To Say *(Jeff

*Copy Editor Quits Yoga After Instructor Tells Class To Lay On Mats
*(Megan Durham, Reston, Va.)

*Editor Resigns After Printing Series Of Bogus Headlines *(Jesse
Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

***A First Offender

// *Still running — deadline Monday night, March 14: our contest for
adding B’s to words to make new words. See