Wrydentification: The Style Invitational asked what these items
‘really’ were

Plus this week’s new contest, Week 1162: Write some Onion-style

REPORT FROM WEEK 1158: Four weeks ago we asked the Loser community to explain to us what these
objects were. See the winners below.

By Pat Myers February 11 at 11:26 AM

(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s new contest for
Onion-type headlines.)

*In Week 1158 *the Empress showed you Bob Staake’s straightfoward
depictions of seven everyday objects, and asked what they “really” were.
Amazingly, nobody patiently informed her that they showed a Lego piece,
a padlock, etc.

4th place:

/Picture 5:/ I still don’t understand quite how it happened, but my wife
bought one of these for $8.95 and it ended up costing me $3,000. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)

3rd place:

/Picture 3:/ Starting in 2018, all cigarette lighters will be required
to contain water faucets as a safety measure. (Bruce Niedt, Cherry Hill,

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
2nd place and the slightly off-color dog-theme magnets:

/Picture 2:/ The “2001” monolith reaches puberty. (Edward Gordon, Austin)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

/Picture 4: /Fisher-Price execs still insist their “Little Exorcist
People” would have been a hit, if only the priest’s head hadn’t kept
falling off. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Drawn; out: honorable mentions


45-degree rotation reveals how Edvard Munch achieved his subject’s
expression: inserting two hacksaw blades into the head. (Paul Burnham,
Gainesville, Va.)

As the Grim Reaper dives onto the Slip’N Slide, he realizes he should
have left his scythe at home. (Lewis Lesansky, Burke, Va.)

Look at that face. Who would vote for that? (William Kennard, Arlington,

Shaman mask: Seers from our tribe are traditionally blind. Few begin
this way. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.)

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post )

New federal energy conservation program: an adapter that looks at you
reproachfully when you plug something in. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)


**Under Armour’s new sports bra for cats. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)

A 1-million-times magnified view of a Lego atom. (Danielle Nowlin,
Fairfaxt Station, Va.)

Training bed-of-nails for a novice mystic. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Sheila was so anal-retentive that, even under a microscope, her hives
lined up. (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.)

That’s clearly a boatload of ISIS terrorists claiming to be Syrian
refugees. And our weak president will stupidly let them in! -- D. Trump
(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Minecraft Menorah. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.)

Conjoined quadruplets at a wet-T-shirt contest. (Dave Komornik,
Danville, Va.)

These shape-shifting aliens blend in with your children’s toys, coming
out at night to attack the unsuspecting feet of parents, their dreaded
enemies. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

My First Little ICBM launch complex. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

This was the first Lego piece ever created — but no one knew what to do
with it. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Contents of the Clinton commode after the release of the latest Sanders
poll numbers. (Danielle Nowlin)


**Hillary Clinton’s lock on the nomination. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

NSA seal of approval for privacy software (Bob Clifford, Brookeville,
Md., a First Offender)

This minimalist vanity looks okay, but when I turn on the faucet, half
the water spills over the side. (Frank Mann, Washington)

Quasimodo’s most beloved toy was a jack-in-the-box. (Mike Gips)


Marked with the Michigan government’s seal of approval, it’s a bottle of
genuine Flint water. (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)

After she applied the tester to her release valve, the indicator
revealed that Mrs. 3PO could expect a sequel. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

**The Vati-Can, for the disposal of used holy water (Ann Martin, Falls
Church, Va.)

Some stupid pirate buried his treasure near the top of this missile
silo. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

The pope’s ChapStick.(John Ramos, Duluth, Minn.)

** *PICTURE 5*

** **Bryce Harper’s hair gel applicator. (Larry Carnahan, Arlington, Va.)

The Williams-Sonoma Artisanal Basting Tool is now offered at the reduced
price of $79.95. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Writing implement preferred by Trump’s speechwriters. (Ivars Kuskevics,
Takoma Park, Md.)

**Porcupine bristles on a stick were never a big snack at the fair.
(Konrad Schwoerke, Durham, N.C.)

Looking down, Julie couldn’t remember why Kid

from Kid n’ Play was delivering her baby. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

Pepperidge Farm’s sales plummeted when it introduced hybrid
goldfish/jellyfish crackers. (Mike Gips)

Spatula from the Ruffles potato chip factory. (Kevin Dopart)


Martian life discovered flattened under rover’s tire! (Mark Spencer,
Waldorf, Md.)

Tom Brady’s watermelon. (Danielle Nowlin)

A giraffe buried in the snow. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)

The giraffe slug: Slow. No neck to stick out. Leaves a trail of slime.
The perfect political party mascot. (Mascot of their political party.)
(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)

My dry, cracked upper lip after I shoveled my driveway for three hours.
(Amy Harris, Charlottesville, Va.)

Coordinated toilet, urinal and faucet handles at the Jimmy Carter
Presidential Library and Museum. (Ivars Kuskevics)

Bigfoot is evolving! He’s got sneakers! (Danielle Nowlin)


Lot’s lesser-known concubine, who was turned into a pillar of pepper.
(Jon Gearhart)

Grace Jones in the unfortunate “Spanx incident” (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge,

The sad result of a grease fire at a White Castle. (Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)

Minnesota’s Tom Grotting augmented his installations of frozen pants
with frozen evening gowns. (Sylvia Betts)

*Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest for bogus “facts”
about politicians. See bit.ly/invite1161 .*

And the results of the Style Invitational contest from four weeks ago . . .


*Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death Row Appeals Process *

*Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred by Functioning Sound System*

*Man Who Saw ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ 6 Times Over Holidays
Thought It Was Pretty Good * (All from the Onion, Feb. 9)

Back at the end of 2008, we paid homage to (i.e., shamelessly dropped
the name of) the Onion , the satirical
newspaper nonpareil, and invited Style Invitational readers to imitate
what the Onion does best: to write fictional headlines that tell a joke
brilliantly in themselves; in fact, the articles accompanying them
sometimes read like afterthoughts. The Onion’s pages (since our previous
contest, they’ve moved entirely online) feature two basic types of
fake-news stories: satire about people and events that are actually in
the news, and the depiction of some laughable ordinary behavior by some
ordinary guy as a straight news story.

Eight years ago, the Loser Community channeled the Onion to gain the
usual valuable prizes; the Week 794 results
such headlines as “Striving for Change, Ford Introduces Hybrid Edsel”
(Bill Gee); “Boy Didn’t Really Stay Up All Night at Sleepover, Friends
Say” (Jean Sorensen); and “ ‘Gave 110%’ Passed Over Again by Cliche Hall
of Fame” (Art Grinath). Let’s do some more. *This week: Write a
fictional Onion-type headline,* as in the examples above. It can be on
any subject, but it has to be funny on its own, without a story or any
other explanation attached. It can’t have been published somewhere else.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives “Ideal Marriage: Its Physiology and
Technique,” a book written in 1926 by one Th. H. Van de Velde, M.D.
(this is a 1959 printing). It is, if you notice the hint in the
subtitle, a 300-page sex manual; some of the advice is fairly modern
(men, do /not/ have sex with your unaroused wife); however, when it
comes to “bucco-lingual contact with the genitals,” Dr. V de V strongly
insists that there is just too much “base ugliness” for the wife to
give, rather than receive, the “genital kiss.”

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or a vintage Loser T-shirt, each with a Bob Staake design. Honorable
mentions get one of our coveted Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Email entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Feb. 22; results
published March 13 (online March 10). You may submit up to 25 entries
per contest. Include “Week 1162” in your email subject line or it might
be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s
results is by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan
Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column,
published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv