Style Invitational Week 1155: Vowel movement — a new wordplay challenge

Plus the winning zingers hurled at slobby/prissy/meddling/snotty

By replacing the vowels in “The Godfather” with other ones, you can end
up with “The Good Fat Hair” — a coiffure you can’t refuse. (Bob Staake
for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers December 23

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the results of Week 1151, the
snarky rants to various rhymes-with-“glassbowls”)

*Drop the vowels from “THE GODFATHER” and get “THGDFTHR.”
Add vowels and get “THE GOOD FAT HAIR”: It’s a coiffure you can’t refuse.*

*“PSYCHO” → PSCH → “PESACH”: A tale of getting out before it gets too

This little hard-shelled conga drummer is yours if your vowel play is
just a wee bit lacking; it’s the second prize for Week 1155. (Photo by
Cheryl Davis)

Here’s a brand-new contest idea from Extreme Loser Kevin Dopart, who has
never failed to enter a Style Invitational weekly contest since October
2005 — except the week he got to guest-judge as an award for getting
1,000 blots of Invite ink. Kevin’s examples above show you what to do:
*Choose a title of a book, movie, play or TV show; drop all the vowels
(including Y when it’s used as a vowel); then add your choice of vowels
— as many as you like — to create a new work; and describe it. * You may
change capitalization and word spacing as you like. For his idea, Kevin
wins an ice cream date with the Empress.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives yet one more masterpiece of shell shlock:
this jaunty souvenir imported for us from Myrtle Beach, S.C., by Loser
and Devoted Prize Donor Cheryl Davis.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Email entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Jan. 4; results published
Jan. 24 (online Jan. 21). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest.
Include “Week 1155” in your email subject line or it might be ignored as
spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your
entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Gary Crockett; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich.
Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/ ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago
. . .

*In Week 1151,* we asked you to let loose a snarky rant to any of 13
types of rhymes-with-“glassbowl,” to improve on those in the book “Dear
[A-------]: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life.”

Holy moly! To judge from most of the entries the Empress received, this
challenge turned much of the Greater Loser Community into humorless
scolds with gibes as irritating as the miscreants they were tut-tutting.
Fortunately, dear readers, only the E had to read those. You get to read

4th place:

*Dear Glassbowl Who Clips Your Nails at Work:* How thoughtful of you to
anticipate your future sainthood and ensure that your co-workers have a
sample of your nail clippings as relics of your earthly existence! Can
we help with the martyrdom part? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

3rd place:

*Dear Glassbowl Who Had This Library Book Before Me:* Wow! You tore out
the last three pages! I admit it was a little disconcerting to read an
entire book and not be able to find out what happened at the end. Just
like the other night when your girlfriend and I got to talking and one
thing led to ano (Frank Mann, Washington)

2nd place and the “Dear [Glassbowl]” book and

“1001 Horrible Facts”


*Dear Constantly Cheery Glassbowl: *It’s true that frowning takes more
muscles than smiling. But it’s well worth the extra effort. (Steve
Honley, Washington)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*Dear Glassbowl Who Had This Library Book Before Me:
*This novel won the Man Booker Prize. It didn’t need you to give it the
Man-Booger Prize. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Going down spiting: honorable mentions

*Dear Glassbowl Who Had This Library Book Before Me:*
† Your insightful annotations on “Hamlet” fascinate me, particularly
“Ophelia = ho LOL.” When will you publish the official version? (Duncan

† Your attempts to write smart marginalia
Are a failia. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

† Books are indeed food for the soul. Even without your lasagna glued
between Pages 128 and 129. (Steve Honley)

*Dear Glassbowl Who Didn’t Clean Up After the Dog: *
† Don’t be surprised if the next time I walk /my/ dog by /your/ house,
he has a similar problem. That is, I expect he won’t clean up after his
human. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

† I found this on the ground. Since I didn’t have a pen, I figured I’d
use some of it to compose this note on the hood of your Audi. P.S. he
needs more fiber. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

*Dear Glassbowl Restaurant Server:*
† Thank you for your extra-personalized service — that was a perfect
thumbprint you left in the mashed potatoes. (Bird Waring)

** † I didn’t order eggs. If I had ordered eggs, I wouldn’t have ordered
them cold. If I had ordered them cold, I wouldn’t have ordered them
spilled on my new shirt. If I had ordered them spilled on my new shirt,
I wouldn’t have ordered you to laugh at your own clumsiness. And if I
had ordered you to laugh at your own clumsiness, I wouldn’t have ordered
you take the rest of those eggs and insert them into your, um, pants.
And I am ordering you to do that now. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

*† Dear Glassbowl Contagious Restaurant Server:*
When I ordered my sandwich au jus,
I did not want it dripping from you. (Melissa Balmain)

*Dear Glassbowl Always Trying to Fix Me Up:*
† When I said I like a man in uniform, I didn’t mean from a work-release
program. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

† Where do you find these women? They don’t know Scotty from Bones, or
Buffy from Willow! I’ll bet you’re doing this because I totally owned
you at the Magic: The Gathering tournament with my Force of Will card.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

*Dear Glassbowl at the Concert: *
† My, you did a lot of singing tonight! Just how much did you have to
pay to hire the folks onstage as your backup singers? (Steve Honley)

† The concert, I had thought, would be a treat,
To watch this band whose music I hold dear,
But only this could I see from my seat:
Gyrations of your cellulitic rear. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

† Great show last night! When did you learn to play candy wrapper?
(Frank Mann)

*Dear Clean Freak Glassbowl: *Did you know that, if you die alone in
your apartment, your cat will eat you? (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South

*Dear Glassbowl Goody-Two-Shoes:*
† All of us at work feel so much for your pain. So we’ve taken up a
collection so you can finally have that stick surgically removed.
(George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington)

† Thank you for informing me that the fork goes on the left and knife
and spoon on the right. But I don’t think the maitre d’McDonalds will
throw out me and my toddler. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

† You really have no memory of what you did at last year’s Christmas
party, do you? (Michael Rolfe)

*Dear Glassbowl Who Parked Like a Moron:* Thank you soooo much for
taking up two spots. At first I was annoyed, but after I parked
somewhere else and walked past your car, I noticed that a branch had
fallen and dented your roof — that could have been my car! Also, a rock
went through your passenger window, a key scratched the driver’s side
door, and dog poop showed up on your windshield. So glad you saved me
from that! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

*Dear Glassbowl Houseguest Who Overstayed Your Welcome:*
† It’s no longer a “visit” if you now qualify for in-state tuition.
Gather your stuff and make tracks. (Not literally.) (George-Ann Rosenberg)

† You’ve been using our bathroom so long, you’ve used up an entire
seashell soap — and I saw you take out one of the starfish this morning.
Station, Va.)

*Dear Contagious Glassbowl:*
† Here’s my name, address, and phone number. I don’t usually share my
personal information, but I want the CDC investigators to be able to
find me when they search for anyone who’s had any contact with you
recently. (Katherine Stikkers, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

† Umm, maybe the memo came out before you were hired, but this office
doesn’t have a “Bring Your Dengue Fever to Work Day” going on. (Brendan
Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Jan. 4: Our parody contest for
songs for, to or about animals. See
. *

/No Style Conversational column this week. The Empress will chat a bit
in the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook
group, and will answer e-mail at
. Merry Christmas!/