Style Invitational Week 1154: Tabby Road — write a song for or about

Plus ‘Napoleon Blonaparte’ and other winning names changed by one letter

This week’s contest is to write a song parody for or about cats or other
animals. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers December 17

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the results of Week 1150, a
contest to change someone’s name by one letter)

Does Fluffy fail to appreciate your rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” or
even your best belting version of “Memory”? There’s a good chance she’d
rather hear “Music for Cats,” a
collection of compositions by virtuoso cellist David Teie in which he
uses pitches, purry sounds and pulsating rhythms that cats seem to
relate to instinctively. A study published this year

in an academic journal reported that Teie’s “Rusty’s Ballad” and
“Cozmo’s Air” were favored by the 47 cats in the study twice as much as
Bach’s “Air on the G String” or Fauré’s “Elégie.” (Yeah, but they didn’t
test for “Honky Cat” or “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.”)

We tell you all this because it gave us /some/ excuse for another of our
song parody contests, however tenuously linked. *This week: Write a song
for — or about — cats or other animals, set to a familiar tune. *If your
cat loves it, good for you, but we really don’t care. As always,
parodies that run in the print version of the Invitational tend to be
very well known melodies, while online we’re able to include links to
the tunes. And in an uncharacteristic attack of holiday season
benevolence, the Empress announces *two special bendings of the rules
this week:* First, the E won’t grouse if two people collaborate on a
song; usually, she doesn’t consider the Invite a team sport. And second,
given that even members of the Greater Loser Community might have one or
two other things to do around now, she will extend the deadline another
week — all the way to Jan. 4.



Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives, given this week’s topic, a*Twinkle Tush,*
a little modesty jewel that hangs from your cat’s tail to cover its, uh,
littering area. “Not for human use,” it advises. (It also advises you,
duh, not to actually leave it on your cat. Just sing to him, okay?)
Donated by Loser Melissa Yorks.

Turn your cat into Puss ’n’ Booty with Twinkle Tush, this week’s second

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug,
the older-model
“This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug

or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get one of our brand-new Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude”

or “Falling Jest Short.”

First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). Email entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 4; results published Jan.
17 (online Jan. 14). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest (if you
really want to write 25 songs in two weeks). Include “Week 1154” in your
email subject line, or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules
and guidelines at . The
headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; the
honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column,
published late Thursday, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks
ago . . .

In Week 1150, we ran a twist on our classic change-one-letter neologism
contests: This time it was someone’s name that had to be changed by (a)
adding or subtracting one letter; (b) substituting one letter for
another; or (c) transposing two nearby letters.

The Empress also allowed
for adding spaces, hyphens, etc., but a letter had to change, too. This
disqualified this nifty one from Chris Damm: “Michael P. Helps: He knows
the secret for going really fast in the pool.”

4th place:

*My-GYN Kelly:* “If you have a problem with blood coming out of your
 . .” (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

3rd place

*Allan She-man:* “Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh/ Here I am out in Nevada/
To my true self I surrendered/ And this tweet is just to tell you I'm
transgendered.” (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2nd place

and the floaty-frog shake-box
*Jugs Bunny:* Jessica Rabbit. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*Napoleon Blonaparte: *French leader famed for unsuccessfully using IEDs
at Waterloo. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Miss-nomers: Honorable mentions

*Trumpy Cat:* Not only does he dislike just about everyone, but he
coughs up the strangest-shaped hairballs. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth,
New Zealand)

*Queasimodo:* The Lunch-Back of Notre Dame. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery,

*Britney Swears: *“****, I did it again.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*Jeb Mush: *Now with even less backbone. (Duncan Stevens)

*Bong John Silver:* It’s Toke Like a Pirate Day! (Chris Doyle)

*Bend Carson:* He sees history like a joint replacement: conveniently
flexible — and if there should be any errors, it’s not the doctor’s
fault. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*Elvish Costello:* Middle Earth Bard known for his hits like “Accid-Ents
Will Happen.” (Dave Brewer, Seattle)

*The-odor Roosevelt:* White House aides quit when he began to speak
softly and carry a big stink. (Chris Doyle)

*Tinderella:* Prince Charming swiped right, but she swiped left. Will he
ever find her? (Beth Karp, Portland, Ore., a First Offender)

*Wilt Chamberlaid: *Basketball star who broke many scoring records.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*Alex Kvechkin:* “What means ‘No goal’? Is blind, the referee. Does he
know job? Nyet!” (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

*Bashar Al-Asswad: *Murderous tyrant with a pants-load of problems.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*Aziz Amsari: *He’s so funny, but I wish he’d stop being so apologetic.
(George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington)

*Clint Leastwood: *Rumored to pack the smallest pistol in Hollywood.
(Michael Rosen, New York)

*George Ohwell: *“You know, those telescreens do help with security . .
.” (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

*CEOpatra: *A boss who expects to be worshiped, can often be found in de
Nile, and would rather die than experience a takeover. (Barbara Turner,
Takoma Park, Md.)

*Braid Pitt:* The bride at a [insert disfavored ethnic group here]
wedding. (Mark Raffman)

*Approdite:* Greek version of Tinder. (Mark Raffman)

*Chief Crazy House:* Speaker Paul Ryan. (Jerry Pohl, Rockville, Md.)

*Drew Carrymore: *Star of “E.A.T: The Extra-Ample Terrestrial.” (Larry
Miller, Bethesda, Md.)

*Darth Evader: *Emperor Palpatine’s press secretary. (Ben Aronin,

*David Hide Pierce:* Acupuncturist to the stars. (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village, Md.)

*Demi Loveto: *A very accommodating woman. (Tom Witte)

*Jane Foodall: *Author of the controversial cookbook “Gorillas in the
Mix.” (Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.)

*Bernie Panders:* Shocking revelation: Senator takes contributions from
the 99 percent! (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

*Henny VIII: *Take my wives — please. (Ann Martin, Falls Church. Va.)

*George Tucas: *“May the arse be with you.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

*Ima Farrow: *Mia’s grammatical twin. (Jon Gearhart)

*Dolly Patton:* “[SLAP] . . . My eyes are up here, soldier!” (Jeff
Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

*Trevor Nah: *One of the unsuccessful applicants to replace Jon Stewart.
(Jesse Frankovich)

*J Edgar Hover:* Leader of the FBI’s “Zero G-Men.” (David Friedman,
Arlington, Va.)

*Chuck Snorris: *The sounds he makes while sleeping can be heard
hundreds of miles away. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

*Ethan Alien: *Leader of the Little Green Mountain Men. (Nathanael
Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.)

*Leon Tootsky: *A victim of Stalin’s silent but deadly purges. (Jerry Pohl)

*Mickey Moose: *Had Walt gone with his first idea of a 7-foot
anthropomorphic character from Maine, families wearing antler hats might
be spending $700 per day at a theme park in Bangor. (Michael Levy,
Silver Spring, Md.)

*Mr. Roget’s: *He’d love to have you as his companion, pal, buddy,
comrade, chum, confidant or playmate in his neighborhood. (Kevin Dopart,

*Noses: *Let my people blow. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.)

*George Clowney:* What most guys look like who try to look like George
Clooney. (Bill Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.)

*Plado:* Founder of the ancient Kiddycademy. (Drew Bennett, West Plains,

*El Cheapo:* Mexican drug lord notorious for undertipping hitmen.
(Nathanael Dewhurst)

*The Hardly Boys:* Teen detectives who uncover their gender identity.
(Kevin Dopart)

*Pat Tyers:* “3,700 neologism entries!?” (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night: our contest to compare two
things with the same abbreviation.