Style Invitational Week 1144: You gave us a bad name! Now give us a
better one.
Some entries in the contest for bad product names were actually
pretty good. It gave us an idea.
If you lose this week’s contest by thissss much, you can take your
frustrations out on the second-place prize. (Bob Staake’s cartoon will
be back next week.) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers October 8
feedback for 'Style Invitational Week 1144: You gave us a bad name! Now
give us a better one.'>
(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s results.)
*Goo Goo Cluster is a good name for a candy and an even better one for a
baby play group.* (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
*Dish Network is an okay name for a satellite TV system, but it’s a
better one for an escort service. *(Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)
Speaking of, uh, inauspicious names: We just had to send one of our
Loser mugs to Carl R. Loser, a candidate for Virginia state Senate. And
we love that shirt! (His name rhymes with “poser.”) (Courtesy of Carl
Loser)
*Invisible Fence is a descriptive name for a electronic pet barrier, but
it would be a great name for an Internet pawnshop.* (Todd DeLap, Fairfax)
**Within hours after I posted the Week 1140
contest four weeks ago — the contest whose results run today — people
started writing in: You’ve just asked us to think of some brand name,
and say what product, organization, etc., that name would be /bad/ for.
Can we also send names that would be /better/ for something else?
Wait four weeks, I advised. Some Losers didn’t, but anyway: *This week:
Name a real brand, along with something else it would be a better name
for,* as in the examples above, which the Empress pulled out of the Week
1140s.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a hand-size rubber chicken that “lays an
egg” when you squeeze it. Actually, it extrudes a bubble filled with
something that kind of looks like raw egg white, plus a yellow ball
“yolk”; when you unsqueeze the chicken, it unlays the egg and the bubble
goes back in. Hmm, aseller on Amazon
describes
these things as “educational toys that help children learn.” Learn what
— that the chicken came first, then the egg, and then the egg changed
its mind? Donated eons ago by Loser Marleen May.
*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
or
“Hardly Har-Har.”
First
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink
for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Oct. 19; results
published Nov. 8 (online Nov. 5). You may submit up to 25 entries per
contest. Include “Week 1144” in your e-mail subject line or it might be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Kevin Dopart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Shirley. Join
the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. /
^ *The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column
discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to
enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.
And from the Style Invitational contest published four weeks ago . . .
*BRAND ICKS: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1140:
In Week 1140* we repeated a 2004 contest in which we asked you to name a
real brand and pair it with a product or other entity that that brand
name would be /bad/ for.
Even though we begged you to look at the Week
547 results
so
you wouldn’t send in the same answers again, the Empress received
umpteen and a half entries — amid a total of some 2,000 — suggesting
that Microsoft would be a bad name for an ED drug, gigolo, etc., and IBM
a bad name for a laxative. There were also dozens of clever other ideas
that didn’t get individual ink because they were offered by too many
Losers: *Sanka as a cruise ship; Planters for a funeral home; Jack in
the Box for a mortuary; Sears for a tanning salon; iPad for an
accountant. *
Some of the names submitted — including at least one of the examples for
this week’s contest — were called bad names but were actually pretty
good ones. It’s a fine line sometimes. If you entered Week 1140 and
think one of your non-inking entries might fit the new contest, sure,
send it again.
4th place:
*One-a-Day* is a good name for a vitamin, but not for toilet paper.
(Kristin Rahman, Silver Spring)
3rd place:
*Dum Dum Pops* are a good name for candy but a bad name for a sperm
bank. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
2nd place and the notepad depicting $20 bills:
*Bumble Bee* is an okay name for tuna, but a much too accurate one for a
presidential debate. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
*Facebook* is a good name for a social network, but a bad name for the
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Brand muffin’: Honorable mentions
*Joe’s Crab Shack* is a good name for a restaurant but a bad name for a
hotel. (David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)
*Quaker State* is a good name for motor oil but a bad name for the
California Board of Tourism. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
*Tyson Foods* is a good name for a poultry company but a bad name for a
vendor of boxing
memorabilia. (Kevin Jamison,
Gaithersburg, Md.)
*50 Shades of Grey * is a good name for a porn novel but a bad name for
a salad bar. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
*In-N-Out Burger* is an okay name for a restaurant, but not for a
bulimia treatment center. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.)
*Mr. Tire* is a good name for a car service center but a bad name for an
energy drink. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
** *Sorry* is a good name for a board game but a bad name for an
insurance company. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.)
*Beanie Babies* is a good name for stuffed animals, but a bad name for a
Jewish preschool. (Edward Gordon, Austin)
*Canon* is a good name for a camera, but a bad name for a camera brought
to school by a Muslim teen in Texas (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
*Dr Pepper* may be a good name for a soda, but it’s a bad name for
eyedrops. (Miles Borrego, Germantown, Md., a First Offender)
*Five Guys* is a good name for a burger joint but a bad name for an
online dating site (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
*Golden Corral* is a good name for a buffet restaurant but a bad name
for an assisted-living facility. (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va., a
First Offender)
*Rite Aid* is a good name for a pharmacy, but not an editing service.
(May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)
*Trump* is a good name for a place full of slot machines, but you might
want to avoid it in a place full of voting machines. (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.)
*The Sorbonne:* Great name for a university, bad name for a bicycle
seat. (Anne Hodgkinson, Utrecht, the Netherlands)
*Janitor in a Drum* is a good name for a household cleaner but a bad
name for an immigrant-smuggling company. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)
*5-Hour Energy* is a good name for a caffeine drink but a bad name for
an electric company. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.; Kristen Rahman)
*Turkey Hill *is a good name for ice cream, a bad name for the U.S.
Capitol. (Dudley Thompson)
*AAA* is a good name for an automobile association, but a bad name for a
breast augmentation clinic. (David Ballard, Reston, Va.)
*Apple Watch* is a matter-of-fact name for Apple’s watch, but a bad name
for a still-life art class. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.)
*Bazooka Joe* is a good name for bubble gum but a bad name for an
anti-flatulence pill. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
*Cracker Barrel* is a good name for a restaurant but a bad name for a
shipping company. (Cameron DeLap, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)
*Falstaff* is s good name for a beer but a bad name for an ED
medication. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
*Purell* is a good name for a hand sanitizer but a bad (if accurate) one
for a British airport. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)
*Super Soaker* is a good name for a water gun but a bad name for a
mortgage company. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
** *Grecian Formula* is a good name for hair dye but a bad name for a
investment firm. (Kristan Rahman)
When you think about it, *CBS* is a terrible name for a TV network, (Ken
Gallant, Conway, Ark.)
It’s a good idea to put *“Trump”* on a hotel, casino, golf course, or
luxury apartment building, but probably a bad idea to put Trump on a red
telephone. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)
*E-ZPass* is a good name for an electronic toll-collection system, but
not a good name for a university. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
*Wonderbra* is a good name for a brassiere but a bad name for a German
translation service. (Frank Osen)
*Fudge Shoppe *is a good name for a cookie company but a bad name for an
accounting firm. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)
*Old Spice *is a good name for a deodorant but a bad name for Victoria
Beckham’s new fashion line. (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass., a First
Offender; Kevin Dopart, Washington)
*Mount Rushmore * is a good name for a monument but a bad name for a
male performance drug. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
*Sheetrock *is a good name for drywall but a bad name for fabric
softener. (Larry Gray)
*Ocean Spray *is a good name for cranberry juice but a bad name for a
wound cleanser. (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)
*National Lampoon* is a good name for a humor magazine, but a bad name
for a magazine about American sheep farming. (David Garratt, Silver
City, N.M.)
Crunch Berries is a good name for a cereal but not for a jockstrap. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
*Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 12: Our Ask Back-wards
contest, in which we give 15 answers and you write the questions. See
bit.ly/invite1143. *