Style Invitational Week 1141: Mess With Our Heads — our ‘bank head’

And the Losers get ink with spicy titles for boring books

“I’m not going to use that bidet thing!” Reinterpreting the Washington
Post headline “An American Void.” (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers September 17 feedback for 'Style Invitational Week 1141: Mess With Our Heads — our
‘bank head’ contest'>

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the results of our contest to
write spicy titles for boring books)

/Real Washington Post headline: / *An American Void*
/Fake bank head:/ *‘No WAY am i sitting on that bidet thing — I’d fall
right in,’ Omaha tourist declares in Paris*

/Post headline: / *Trump, Carson top GOP race*
/Bank head: / *Otherwise, African Americans are bottom GOP race*

*And once again, we invite readers to comically misinterpret what The
Washington Post was saying — and not just by writing letters to the
editor. This week: *Reinterpret (or comment wryly on) a headline
appearing in The Post (print or online) Sept. 17-28 by writing a bank
head, or subtitle, *as in the examples above from last Sunday’s Post. In
the print paper, you may use an article’s main headline, or a
significant part of it (for example, everything before or after a
colon); the story’s bank head; or the jump head, the headline on the
story’s second page. Online, you may use not only headlines (or
significant parts) above an article, but also headlines on the home page
and elsewhere that serve as links to the article. And for both, you may
use headlines in ads. See the Style Conversational column for further
guidelines at

Well, there’s a lot of caffeine in there: Mr. Tea will let it all out as
he relaxes inside your cup. This week’s second prize. (VAT19.COM)

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives the *Mr. Tea Infuser,* a little man with
perforated rubbery pants into which you put some tea, then set him
inside the hot tub of your cup until the brown stuff seeps out. Donated
by Dave Prevar, who, while he is admittedly a 263-time Loser, swears he
does not personally seep into hot tubs.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
“Hardly Har-Har.”
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 28; results
published Oct. 18 (online Oct. 15). You may submit up to 25 entries per
contest. Include “Week 1141” in your e-mail subject line or it might be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Jeff Contompasis; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp.
Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/ ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at / /

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago
. . .

*In Week 1137 *we asked you to come up with an exciting-sounding title
for a book with less than spicy content.

Many amateur publishing shills
offered entries along the lines of “Tits and Boobies: Field Guide to
Birds”; “Succulent Breasts: 101 Chicken Recipes”; and “Secrets of a
Stripper: Tips for Wallpaper Removal.” (Titles in quotes below are
actual book titles.)

4th place:

*Eat All You Want and Still Lose Weight
* /“A Simple Guide to Intestinal Parasitic Diseases”/ (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.)

3rd place:

*Call Me Bruce Again
* /Small-Town Librarian Mildred Bruce Chronicles the Aftermath of Her
Divorce /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

2nd place

and the“Loser for Liberty” tote bag

from the campaign of Carl Loser for Virginia state Senate:*
Unmasking the First Muslim President
* /The Hidden Genius of Kemal Ataturk /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial

*Stick It to the Man
* /“Phlebotomy Handbook: Blood Collection Essentials”/ (Amy Harris,
Charlottesville, Va.)

The fibliography: honorable mentions

*Elvis Lives!*
/The Big Book of 5-Letter Anagrams /
Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*Catholic School Hookers
* /Home Ec Projects Vol. 2: Crochet a Prayer Shawl /(Jon Gearhart, Des

*Awesome Cleavage
* /Principles of Zygotic Cell Division /(Michael Landauer, Bethesda,
Md., who last got Invite ink in 2003)

*Murder Between the Sheets
* /Eradicate Book-Damaging Silverfish and Other Insects/ (Kevin Dopart,

*Score on One-Night Stands
* /The Ins and Outs of the Bleacher-Rental Business/ (Chris Doyle,
Ponder, Tex.)

** *How to Hustle*
/The Comprehensive English Dictionary, Vol. 8-D/ (Jeff Contompasis; Hugh
Thirlway, The Hague)

*How Kinky Is Too Kinky?
* /A Guide to the Perfect Perm/ (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)

*Viva las Vegas
* /Celebrating The 1970s Chevy Subcompact That Everyone Hated / (Ellen
Goldlust, Blacksburg, Va., a First Offender)

*Spanking Women
* /Grade School Nuns Through History/ (Frank Osen)

*How to Make Her Ask for More *
/Successful Therapies for Anorexia/ (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.)

** ** *Screw Your Way to the Top*
/A Step-by-Step Guide to Building Your First Tree House/ (Melissa
Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

*Secretly! Passionately! Lustfully! *
/The Thesaurus of Adverbs/ (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

*The Ultimate Bong*
/My Life as a National Cathedral Bell-Ringer/ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna)

*Hot Secrets the Kardashians Won’t Tell You About Drupal *(Laura
McGinnis, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)

*I Clicked Here and You’ll Never Believe What Happened Next! *
/Learn From My Grammar Mistakes in the !Kung Language and Avoid Major
Cultural Misundertandings/ (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

*Get It On With a German Shepherd*
/Rancher Gunther Schäfer Shows You the Right Way to Dress in
Lederhosen./ (Michael Daws, Drobak, Norway, a First Offender)

*I Lost 100 Pounds 10 Years Ago, and They’re Still Gone!*
/Scammers: Britain’s Continuing Scourge/ (Neal Starkman, Seattle; G.T.
Bowman, Falls Church, Va.)

** *Young, Hot and Wet*
/A Parent’s Guide to Everything From Infant Fevers to Potty Training/
(Jon Gearhart)

*A Peek Behind Shower Curtains
* /The Development of Waterproof Spray Shielding /(Dave Prevar,
Annapolis, Md.)

*Snuff Films*!
/How to Remove That Tobacco Residue That Coats Your Mouth/ (Todd DeLap,
Fairfax, Va.)

*Learn the Ways of the Force*
“/Introduction to Physical Science, Rev. Ed.”/ (Kevin Dopart)

*Drop Acid for Better Health*
/The All-New No-Citrus Diet/ (Mark Raffman)

/My Quest to Discover Who Really Wrote Celebrities’ Memoirs /(Selma
Ellis, Rolling Meadows, Ill., a First Offender)

*The Joy of Doggy Style
* /50 Cute Outfits/ /for Your Poodle/ (Frank Mann, Washington)

*MILF and Me
* /My 30 Years as Stenographer for the McMinnville Independent
Laparoscopy Foundation/ (Frank Osen)

*How an Undocumented Immigrant Nearly Brought Down the Seat of the
British Empire: A Lesson for America
* /(Previously titled “A Bear Called Paddington”) /(Richard Wong,
Derwood, Md.)

*Camel Toes
* /And Other Ways to Know Whether Meat Is Kosher /(Edward Gordon, Austin)

*Restraint and Submission

How Not to Get Ink in The Style Invitational (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.)

// // *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 21: Our
good-name/bad-name contest. See
. *