Style Invitational Week 1138: Show us your touché — give us some
elegant insults


And from Week 1135, things that need a time limit — and a suitable
punishment for violators


Keith Richards “still rocks, but mostly in a chair.” Loser Tom Witte
zinged that in 1997, but Keith has gotten the last word — 15 years
later, the Stones’ latest American tour grossed $80 million. (Bob Staake
for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers August 27 feedback for 'Style Invitational Week 1138: Show us your touché — give
us some elegant insults'>

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the results of our contest for
things that need a time limit, and the penalties for violation )

*/On Keith Richards:/ “He still rocks, but mostly in a chair.”* — Tom Witte

*/On Bill Gates: /“He has something John D. Rockefeller and Howard
Hughes never had: the ability to be the richest man in the world and
boring at the same time.”* — Russell Beland

*/On Elizabeth Taylor:/ “The camera used to love her. Now she’s suing
for alienation of affection.”* — Chuck Smith

*/On Bill Clinton:/ “Pants down, he has been the greatest president of
the late 1990s.”* — Russ Horner

Just be sure you’re wearing a condiment: This week’s secondnd-prize salt
and pepper shakers, donated by Loser Nan Reiner (not pictured). (Pat
Myers/The Washington Post )

Back in 1997, the Czar of The Style Invitational cited comments by
Dorothy Parker and Gore Vidal as examples of insults “that were
withering, but executed with panache,” and invited the Loser Community
to serve up a few more.

The Empress came upon the results last week while compiling a list of
“22 years of Trump jokes” for her Style
Conversational column. The Donald, noted Chuck Snowdon in Week 240, “is
such a magician, only he could turntwo gold-digging bimbos
into
cultural icons.”

Parker and Vidal missed the Age of Twitter, but the Losers clearly can
fill their gap: This week: *Offer an elegantly snide (and original)
insult of anyone living or dead,* as in the examples above from Week
240. (See the rest in this week’s Style Conversational, at
bit.ly/conv1138; it’s
posted late afternoon on Aug. 27.)

**Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives — perhaps to be provided to your
sparklingly witty guests at your next dinner party — a petite pair of
ceramic salt and pepper shakers
in
a dainty little basket. Lest you fear that they might seem a bit fusty,
let it be clear that the shakers depict headless, legless bikinied
torsos, with shaker-holes where the neck should be. Donated by the
sparklingly witty, never fusty Nan Reiner, who found them in a Boca
Raton thrift shop.

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
or
“Hardly Har-Har.”
First
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 8; results published
Sept. 27 (online Sept 24). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest.
Include “Week 1138” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules
. The headline for this week’s results was
submitted independently by Jeff Contompasis, Jeff Shirley and William
Kennard; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. /

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.

And the results of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks
ago . . .

*TIME AND PUNISHMENT: The results of Week 1135*:
In Week 1135 we asked for things that should have a maximum or minimum
time limit, along with an appropriate penalty for violators.

Many of you
evidently found such penalties as electric shock, stabbing and poisoning
appropriate for offenses such as placing too many items in the express
line, taking too long to pee, etc. We know y’all don’t like to be kept
waiting, but sheez.

4th place:

*Limit: Ten seconds to stop talking during a movie.
*Penalty: Your popcorn is confiscated (unless you’re watching “Aloha,”
in which case it’s okay, since you’re probably alone in the theater).
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

3rd place:

*Eviction Notice: “Your nine-month lease on my womb has expired. Please
*vacate the premises within 24-hours. Failure to comply may result in
forcible removal.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

2nd place

/*and theinflatable head-hatchet

* /:

Limit: *After “teasing” a story, a broadcast news team has to report the
story within five minutes of the commercial break.*
Penalty: On the next newscast, they are shown in HD close-up without
makeup. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial

Limit: *Five minutes waiting for “Important Windows updates” to load.*
Penalty: $10-per-minute credit at the Apple store. (Larry Carnahan,
Arlington, Va.)

The quick and the dud: honorable mentions

Limit: *Three seconds to vacate the landing at the base of the down
escalator.*
Penalty: You remember thatbig boulder
that rolls down the tunnel
in “The Raiders of the Lost Ark”? . . . (Jack McCombs, Fairfax, Va.)

Limit:*30 seconds to fit your carry-on into the overhead compartment.*
Penalty: Your bag gets your seat, and YOU go in the overhead
compartment. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.; Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village, Md.)

Limit: *Immediately.*
If you’re a member of an ethnic minority that has not yet been slurred
by Donald Trump, he must remedy the situation within 30 days. (Vic
Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand) [Of all the ideas on this page, this is
the most likely to happen.]

Limit: *Four minutes between Metro rush hour trains to avoid sardining
passengers. *
Penalty: Metro board meetings held in a single port-a-john until the
standard is consistently met. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Limit: *10 minutes to take a shower while someone else is waiting.*
Penalty: You have to take your next shower in front of millions of
strangers, broadcast live over the Internet. Unless you are Kim
Kardashian — then the penalty is to take a shower with nobody watching.
(Tom Witte)

Limit:*Two minutes for wife to “powder nose” at a restaurant while
dining with that boring couple.*
Penalty: Husband allowed to “read paper” for an unbothered one-hour the
very next Sunday morning. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Limit: *30 seconds to respond to a text or tweet from your BFF.*
Penalty: Lose BFF status, be blackballed from all social events and be
labeled on Facebook as “Skank of the Year.” — Kayla, Class of 2018 Go
Lions!!! (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Limit: *30 seconds to pay up in the cafeteria line.*
Penalty: You take a tour of the cafeteria kitchen and see what’s
actually in your lunch. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Limit: *10 minutes to remove clothes from laundromat washer or dryer. *
Penalty: A mixture of chocolate milk and crushed Cheetos is dispensed
onto the load. (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)

*Husbands taking less than 30 seconds *to have marital relations should
have to rename their professional football teams. —Mrs. T. Snyder (Jeff
Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Limit: *14 years to learn how to pull your pants up.*
Penalty: You have to wear Pampers instead of boxers. (Larry Gray)

“Listen, Saint Pokey,*I’ve been dead an hour already.* If you can’t get
me through those gates in 10 minutes, I’m gonna take my soul somewhere
else! (Mark Raffman)

Limit: *One week of a serial comic strip’s plot must end within one
month of real time,* unlike the half year that the motor home saga in
“Judge Parker” has been going.
Penalty: The writer has to tweet pictures of himself daily with “Mark
Trail”-esque speech balloons coming out of his various body parts until
the story line ends. (Kevin Dopart)

Limit: *30 seconds to make a draft choice in fantasy football. *
Penalty: All your remaining picks must be from the Redskins. (Bill
Lieberman, Ellicott City, Md.)

Limit: *Zero seconds for the first driver in line to be looking at the
traffic light when it turns green *(determined by a green-light camera).
Penalty: $40. Except in D.C., where it’s $150. (Brad Chatillion,
Germantown, Md., a First Offender)

Limit: *Five seconds to swipe the parking garage key card you use every
single day. *
Penalty: Park in that spot with pillars on both sides. (Eric Dobson,
Arlington, Va. a First Offender)

Limit: *One hour for a worship service. *
Penalty: Voice from On High booms: “Your 60 minutes are up! I am not
listening anymore!” (Mark Raffman)

Limit: *60 seconds to respond to a text.*
Penalty: I’ll call you. No, seriously, I will. I’ll do it. Do NOT test
me on this, young lady! (Todd DeLap, Fairfax)

Limit: *Dog or cat has one minute to go in or out of door in front of
which it sits. *
Penalty: Owner must repeat this process until cat or dog actually moves.
(Margaret L. Welsh, Oakton)

Limit: *10 seconds to discuss directions to the beach with a tollbooth
operator.*
Penalty: To acknowledge that you reside in the Stone Age, you must dress
in animal skins. (Frank Mann, Washington)

Limit: *30 seconds to select a channel on the treadmill TV at the gym
and commence running. *
Penalty: Running three miles while watching a news report on Kiran
Gandhi’s menstrual marathon
.
(Greg Johnson, Victoria, B.C.)

Limit:*5 minutes ago, when you should have gotten out of the water
before that music started. *
Penalty: Being demoted from the top of the food chain. (Robyn Carlson,
Keyser, W.Va.)

Limit: *60 minutes to take your turn in online Scrabble.*
Penalty: After the first hour, the player’s S’s become U’s. After the
second hour, T’s become V’s. After the third hour, blanks become C’s.
After the third hour, the tiles revert to IIIUUUU. (Mike Gips)

Limit: *45 seconds to putt.*
Penalty: “ACHOO!” (Todd DeLap)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 31: Our contest to spice up
the titles of boring books. See bit.ly/invite1137
. *