Homes‘pun’ humor: The la‘ugh’able ‘air quotes from Style Invitational
Week 1134

And our new contest, Week 1137: Be a published author in 28 days!
(By spicing up a book title.)

SU“PERV”ISOR: This week’s winning “air quotes” entry, by Brendan Beary.
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers August 20 feedback for 'Homes‘pun’ humor: The la‘ugh’able ‘air quotes from Style
Invitational Week 1134'>

(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s new contest, Week 1137)

REPORT FROM WEEK 1134: In Week 1134 we gave another run to our popular “air quotes” contest, in
which we wanted you to find a telling word inside another word or name.
Sorry, many of you, but we already did *Donald T“rump” *in 2001.

In fact, The Donald has been very good to The Style Invitational ever since
Year 1 in 1993; a runner-up in Week 21 was “Donald Trump is so annoying
that Amnesty International wants him beaten and locked up.” (Tom Gearty)
See a collection of Trump Ink in this week’sStyle Conversational

4th place:

*Se“dated”:* Out for a romantic evening. — W. Cosby (Kevin Dopart,

3rd place:

*The“irs”:* That which, after April 15, no longer belongs to us. (Chris
Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2nd place

/and thehorse-head squirrel feeder:


Our man in Richmond: Campaign swag for Virginia state Senate candidate
Carl Loser. (Rhymes with “poser.”) (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)

*Com“place”nt:* Second best is good enough for me. (Yuki Henninger,
Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*Su“perv”isor:* The boss who believes too strongly in “hands-on
management.” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

So f‘un’ny: honorable mentions

*Se“rape”: *See, I told you. — D. Trump, New York (Jeff Hazle,
Woodbridge, Va.)

*Ce“meter”y:* Tick. . . tick. . . tick. . . — G. Reaper (Brendan Beary)

*“Can”dor:* “Well, yes, it does look big in that dress.” (Dion Black,

*“Ass”uage: *“Oh, no, it doesn’t look big at all.” (Danielle Nowlin,
Woodbridge, Va.)

*“Spa”ghetti: *A plate of bean sprouts. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

*Affordable Ca“re Act”:* Also known as “The sky is falling! The sky is
falling!” (Frank Mann, Washington)

*iP“hon”e: *“Dear, we should talk. Can you look at me when we talk?”
(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

*Red“ski”ns:* Going downhill since the 1990s. (Ward Kay)

*P“lung”ing neckline: *Deepest cleavage ever. (Beverley Sharp,
Montgomery, Ala.)

*Sa“turd”ay Night Live:* What the show is now vs. whenever the
complainer was in college. (Steve Honley, Washington)

** *“Tref”oil:* The least popular Girl Scout scout cookie in Brooklyn.
(Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.)

*A“sham”ed: *“I regret that some people found my remarks offensive.”
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

*“Lame”ntations:* Crocodile tears. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*“Was”hingtonian: *D.C. resident who complains about how much better it
used to be when she could shop at Garfinckel’s and Woodies. (Steve Honley)

*“Ha”ir:* The thing on Trump’s head. (Melissa Balmain)

*A“sparta”me: *Switching from regular to Diet Coke. (Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)

*Calip“hate”:* No elaboration necessary. (Mike Gips)

*Cav“eat” emptor:* Word to the wise at the $3.99 buffet. (Rick Haynes,
Ocean City, Md.)

*Chris “Christ”ie:* A candidate with just a bit of an ego. (Ed
Scarbrough, Germantown, Md., a First Offender)

*Co“it”us: *Birds do, bees do. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

** *Infi“deli”ty:* A venue for sampling a wide variety of tasty dishes.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

*Com“miser”ation: *All you get from a wealthy friend when you’re badly
in debt. (John Shea, Philadelphia)

*So“cialis”m: *Whatever it is, it’s giving Bernie a big rise. (Frank
Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*Cont“race”ption: *The rush to get the condom package open before the
mood wilts. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

*Exe“cute”: *“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to watch cat videos until you
kill yourself.” (Dion Black)

*Exhi“bit”ionist:* A poorly endowed flasher. (Robert Schechter, Dix
Hills, N.Y.)

*F“utility”: *After a summer storm, waiting for Pepco to get the power
back on. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

*Gen“eros”ity: *What Your Mama showed to the football team. (Robert

*Gua“camo”le: *Fatigued avocado dip with dark-green and brown splotches.
(Jeff Contompasis)

*H“usb”and: *Computer geek who claims to have a wife. (Philip Justus,
Potomac, Md.)

*House of Rep“resent”atives: *A legislative body with a 16 percent
approval rating. (Christopher Thorpe, San Francisco, a First Offender)

*I“ow”a: *Spending $7 million on campaign ads and still coming in third.
(Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.)

*Journa“list”:* A writer whose entire body of work consists of that “Ten
Things You Need To Know. . . ” clickbait. (Lawrende McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

*Large Had“ron Co”llider:* It slices! It dices! It smashes to bits!
(Michael Rosen, New York)

*Long I“slander”: *Those stereotypes? They’re all true. (Ken Stern, New

*Mob enfor“cement”: *These guys really know how to take care of you.
(Beverley Sharp)

*Plastic s“urge on”: *“Have your husband’s eyes been wandering? This
week only, 20 percent off facelifts.” (Arnold Berke, Washington, a First

*Re“cog”nition:* The award the boss gives you to make you forget how
unimportant your job is. (John O’Byrne, Dublin)

** *Se“cur”ity: *Junkyard dog. (Jeff Hazle)

*Washing“ton” Post: *The Sunday paper before the Internet. (Michael
Woodward, Yellowknife, Northwest Territories)

And this week’s new contest:


*TRY A THREE-WAY!* /Utilizing Polarized Plugs /(Bruce Alter)

*PULLING STRINGS TO GET AHEAD:* /Collected Transcriptions for the Harp/
(Bruce Alter)



As of this writing, the number of different paperback titles available
on 29,465,646. Hardcovers: 10,721,497. Kindle books:
2,509,059. And so it’s certainly no easier to get people to buy /your/
book, rather than the competing volume on how to re-porcelain your sink,
than it was in 2001, when Style Invitational Losers Bruce Alter and
Stephen Dudzik got ink in a contest for spicy titles for boring books.
It wasn’t, however, an Invite contest; Bruce and Steve were moonlighting
with the now-defunct Invite-like contest in the Canadian paper the Globe
and Mail. I agree wholeheartedly with Steve’s suggestion that we rip it

*This week: Give us a spicy title for a boring book, real or imagined.
*You might explain the boringosity in a subtitle, as in the first two
examples, or integrate it into the title, as in the third. *A short
pitch for the book would not be out of line. *

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place gets one of our favorite prizes ever: genuine swag
from the current Virginia state Senate campaign of Libertarian Carl R.
Loser of the Richmond area: The *Loser for Liberty tote bag and deck of
cards *were acquired for us by Richmond-based Loser (not related) Jeff
Shirley. (By the way, Mr. Loser rhymes his name with “poser” — although,
he says, “I do not correct people when they say ‘loser’ because I find
that they remember the name better.”)

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
“Hardly Har-Har.”
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 31; results
published Sept. 20 (online Sept. 17). You may submit up to 25 entries
per contest. Include “Week 1137” in your e-mail subject line or it might
be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at . The headline for this week’s
results is by Chris Doyle; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley
Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/ ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at / /

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

*Still running — deadline Monday night: Our “ga-” word limerick contest.
See . *