Style Invitational Week 1124: We need your advice for daily life — in
verse.
Plus links for inks — the winning and losing comparisons from Week 1120
Don’t just seethe. Write Mr. Seat Space Hog a little poem. (Bob Staake
for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers May 14
feedback for 'Style Invitational Week 1124: We need your advice for
daily life — in verse.'>
(Click here to skip down <#report> to the results of Week 1120, humorous
comparisons betweeen any two items on a list we supplied)
*/Don’t recline your seat;
Remain upright and kind.
Then I won’t stab my feet
Into your fat behind. / *
Nobody will tiptoe through YOUR tulips if they’re protected by this
foot-tall zombie garden gnome, sent to use from Britain: This week’s
second prize. ( MediaPRUK.com / )
*— Don’t recline your airplane seat. *
*— Close cover before striking. *
*— Don’t chew with your mouth open. *
*— Use your parking brake. *
*— Stop to smell the flowers.*
This week’s contest — one we’ve never really done before, but one I can
promise you we’ll do again — was suggested by 35-time Loser Todd “the
Lap” DeLap: *Give one of the above reminders in the form of a humorous
poem of eight lines or fewer, *as in the example above by the famed
airline behavior fulminator Gene Weingarten. All (printable) genres are
welcome.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place wins a cute little — actually, it’s little but it’s
really /not/ cute — *Zombie Garden Gnome*,
made of genuine “terror cotta.” It was sent by from Britain by its PR
guy Kieran Elsby, who, in amazing serendipity, had sent out an e-mail
press release to The Media that (a) had the subject line “Lawn of the
Dead” and (b) avoided the spam filter of the Empress of The Style
Invitational.
*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
or
“Hardly Har-Har.”
First
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink
for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is May 25; results published June 14
(online June 11). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include
“Week 1124” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam.
Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Stephen Dudzik. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. /
*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.
And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago
. . .
*SOME LINKAGE MAY OCCUR: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1120*:
** *In Week 1120,* we looked back at our hardy perennial “Same
Difference” contest — to compare or contrast any two items from a list
we supply — and put together a motley bouquet: *Each of the 17 items in
this year’s list was taken from a different Invitational contest from
1996 to 2014.
*While we hoped that meant all new answers this time
around, several Losers made the same “compare thee to a Summer’s Eve”
joke for “an Elizabethan sonnet” as the one that got ink in 2010.
Brand-new this time around but sent by too many people: Gandhi and the
Skins’ offensive line are both famed for nonviolent confrontation.
4th place:
/Mohandas K. Gandhi vs. Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the macarena:/ One’s a
Mahatma and one’s a Hot Mama. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.; John
Conti, Norfolk, Mass.)
3rd place:
/“American Gothic” vs. the Redskins’ offensive line: /In the painting,
you’ll just see two sad sacks. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)
2nd place and the full-size photo cutout of President Obama:
/Yemen and an overactive bladder:/ The first: Middle Eastern crisis. The
second: You’re a peein’ emergency. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
** /A $4 haircut and the Redskins’ offensive line:/ With one, three
snips and you’re out; with the other, three snaps and they’re out.
(Jaclyn Yamada, New York, a First Offender)
LinkedInanity: honorable mentions
/A $4 haircut and a tattoo of Joe Biden:/ You hope the haircut isn’t
just a cheap ripoff — and pray the tattoo is. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
/The 400-meter dash and a Biden tattoo:/ One lasts two furlongs; the
other lasts for too long. (Greg Johnson, Victoria, B.C.)
/A Biden tattoo and a three-cupped bra:/ They both represent one boob
too many. (Brian Allgar, Paris)
/Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the macarena: /Justice imprudent; /a Biden
tattoo:/ just as imprudent. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
/A $4 haircut and a three-cupped bra:/ They’re consecutive verses in
“The Twelve Days of Deep Discount Christmas.” (Mary Kappus, Washington)
/A $4 haircut and a three-cupped bra: /Both are unlikely to be on
fashion critic Robin Givhan as a Lilly Pulitzer dress from Target
.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)
/A three-cupped bra and pizza-scented shampoo:/ Both are regular line
items in the “Jersey Shore” production budget. (Steve Honley, Washington)
The 400-yard dash and an overactive bladder: With only one of these,
there’s an award for finishing Number 1. (Wendy O. Sparks, Rockville, Md.)
/The 400-yard dash and Gandhi:/ One’s over fast; the other overfasted.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
/The 400-yard dash and an overactive bladder:/ The first is a Sprint;
the other requires Pee-Mobile. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)
/Yemen is like the 400-yard dash:/ At the sound of a gun, you’d better
run. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
/A pile of socks and that “not-so-fresh” feeling: /Both can be found in
the bottom of your drawers. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
/Yemen vs. that not-so-fresh feeling:/ One means trouble in the Middle
East; the other, trouble with the middle’s yeast. (Stephen Dudzik,
Olney, Md.; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
/Yemen vs. that not-so-fresh feeling:/ One is in the Middle East; the
other is in the middle south. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
/Gandhi and a $4 haircut:/ Both might make you call out: “Ma! Hat! Ma!”
(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)
/Gandhi and a $4 haircut:/ Only the second would involve a cowlick.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
/With an overactive bladder,/ you need to pee urgently; /with a $4
haircut,/ you need a toupee urgently. (Brendan Beary)
/An elderly Labrador retriever and the Redskins’ offensive line:/ No
matter how determined, they both tend to fall short of that critical
yard. (Lawrence McGuire)
/The Redskins’ offensive line and an elderly Labrador:/ More than a few
blocks are a struggle for both of them. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
/Dilbert’s necktie and the Redskins’ offensive line:/ Only the guy
behind the necktie has reliable pocket protection. (Kevin Dopart)
/Gandhi and the Redskins’ offensive line:/ Both are famous for giving
away possessions. (Elden Carnahan)
/The Redskins’ line and an overactive bladder:/ With both, you end up
with problems in the end zone. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
/The Redskins’ line and a $4 haircut:/ 16 quarters aren’t enough to make
either look good. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
/An overactive bladder and Justice Ginsburg doing the macarena:/ It’s
embarrassing when they can’t contain themselves at work. (David
Friedman, Arlington, Va.)
// /A Biden tattoo and a Style Invitational Loser magnet:/ You might be
willing to show your friends the tattoo. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)
/The 400-meter dash /is won by running madly, /a Loser magnet /by
punning badly. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.)
/An overactive bladder and a Loser magnet:/ One results in frequent
thoughts of toilets; the other, /from/ them. (Kevin Dopart)
/An Elizabethan sonnet and a three-cupped bra:/
The more I see of Man, the more I feel
That Eve was never fashioned from his chest,
But vice versa, in this sort of deal:
God first made Woman with an extra breast
And knew that she was fair, but Eve said, “Nay!
My crowded bosom is a needless strain.”
God saw her point and threw one breast away,
Forgetting it until He came again.
Then Eve declared, “Each creature hath a mate
But me, and, Deity, I’m getting bored!”
So God replied, “You’re right; I shall create
A Man from you,” and Eve cried, “Thank You, Lord!”
Then God said: “He won’t be a work of art . . .
Let’s see, where did I put that extra part?”
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
*Still running — deadline Monday night, May 18: our ScrabbleGrams
neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1123. *