Style Invitational Week 1124: We need your advice for daily life — in

Plus links for inks — the winning and losing comparisons from Week 1120

Don’t just seethe. Write Mr. Seat Space Hog a little poem. (Bob Staake
for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers May 14 feedback for 'Style Invitational Week 1124: We need your advice for
daily life — in verse.'>

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the results of Week 1120, humorous
comparisons betweeen any two items on a list we supplied)

*/Don’t recline your seat;​
Remain upright and kind.
​ Then I won’t stab my feet
Into your fat behind. / *

Nobody will tiptoe through YOUR tulips if they’re protected by this
foot-tall zombie garden gnome, sent to use from Britain: This week’s
second prize. ( / )

*— Don’t recline your airplane seat. *

*— Close cover before striking. *

*— Don’t chew with your mouth open. *

*— Use your parking brake. *

*— Stop to smell the flowers.*

This week’s contest — one we’ve never really done before, but one I can
promise you we’ll do again — was suggested by 35-time Loser Todd “the
Lap” DeLap: *Give one of the above reminders in the form of a humorous
poem of eight lines or fewer, *as in the example above by the famed
airline behavior fulminator Gene Weingarten. All (printable) genres are

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place wins a cute little — actually, it’s little but it’s
really /not/ cute — *Zombie Garden Gnome*,

made of genuine “terror cotta.” It was sent by from Britain by its PR
guy Kieran Elsby, who, in amazing serendipity, had sent out an e-mail
press release to The Media that (a) had the subject line “Lawn of the
Dead” and (b) avoided the spam filter of the Empress of The Style

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
“Hardly Har-Har.”
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is May 25; results published June 14
(online June 11). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include
“Week 1124” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam.
Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
See contest rules and guidelines at
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Stephen Dudzik. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at / /

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

And the results of the Style Invitational contest posted four weeks ago
. . .

** *In Week 1120,* we looked back at our hardy perennial “Same
Difference” contest — to compare or contrast any two items from a list
we supply — and put together a motley bouquet: *Each of the 17 items in
this year’s list was taken from a different Invitational contest from
1996 to 2014.

*While we hoped that meant all new answers this time
around, several Losers made the same “compare thee to a Summer’s Eve”
joke for “an Elizabethan sonnet” as the one that got ink in 2010.

Brand-new this time around but sent by too many people: Gandhi and the
Skins’ offensive line are both famed for nonviolent confrontation.

4th place:

/Mohandas K. Gandhi vs. Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the macarena:/ One’s a
Mahatma and one’s a Hot Mama. (Jack McBroom, Fort Valley, Va.; John
Conti, Norfolk, Mass.)

3rd place:

/“American Gothic” vs. the Redskins’ offensive line: /In the painting,
you’ll just see two sad sacks. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)

2nd place and the full-size photo cutout of President Obama:

/Yemen and an overactive bladder:/ The first: Middle Eastern crisis. The
second: You’re a peein’ emergency. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

** /A $4 haircut and the Redskins’ offensive line:/ With one, three
snips and you’re out; with the other, three snaps and they’re out.
(Jaclyn Yamada, New York, a First Offender)

LinkedInanity: honorable mentions

/A $4 haircut and a tattoo of Joe Biden:/ You hope the haircut isn’t
just a cheap ripoff — and pray the tattoo is. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

/The 400-meter dash and a Biden tattoo:/ One lasts two furlongs; the
other lasts for too long. (Greg Johnson, Victoria, B.C.)

/A Biden tattoo and a three-cupped bra:/ They both represent one boob
too many. (Brian Allgar, Paris)

/Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the macarena: /Justice imprudent; /a Biden
tattoo:/ just as imprudent. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

/A $4 haircut and a three-cupped bra:/ They’re consecutive verses in
“The Twelve Days of Deep Discount Christmas.” (Mary Kappus, Washington)

/A $4 haircut and a three-cupped bra: /Both are unlikely to be on
fashion critic Robin Givhan as a Lilly Pulitzer dress from Target
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

/A three-cupped bra and pizza-scented shampoo:/ Both are regular line
items in the “Jersey Shore” production budget. (Steve Honley, Washington)

The 400-yard dash and an overactive bladder: With only one of these,
there’s an award for finishing Number 1. (Wendy O. Sparks, Rockville, Md.)

/The 400-yard dash and Gandhi:/ One’s over fast; the other overfasted.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)

/The 400-yard dash and an overactive bladder:/ The first is a Sprint;
the other requires Pee-Mobile. (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

/Yemen is like the 400-yard dash:/ At the sound of a gun, you’d better
run. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

/A pile of socks and that “not-so-fresh” feeling: /Both can be found in
the bottom of your drawers. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

/Yemen vs. that not-so-fresh feeling:/ One means trouble in the Middle
East; the other, trouble with the middle’s yeast. (Stephen Dudzik,
Olney, Md.; Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

/Yemen vs. that not-so-fresh feeling:/ One is in the Middle East; the
other is in the middle south. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

/Gandhi and a $4 haircut:/ Both might make you call out: “Ma! Hat! Ma!”
(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)

/Gandhi and a $4 haircut:/ Only the second would involve a cowlick.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

/With an overactive bladder,/ you need to pee urgently; /with a $4
haircut,/ you need a toupee urgently. (Brendan Beary)

/An elderly Labrador retriever and the Redskins’ offensive line:/ No
matter how determined, they both tend to fall short of that critical
yard. (Lawrence McGuire)

/The Redskins’ offensive line and an elderly Labrador:/ More than a few
blocks are a struggle for both of them. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

/Dilbert’s necktie and the Redskins’ offensive line:/ Only the guy
behind the necktie has reliable pocket protection. (Kevin Dopart)

/Gandhi and the Redskins’ offensive line:/ Both are famous for giving
away possessions. (Elden Carnahan)

/The Redskins’ line and an overactive bladder:/ With both, you end up
with problems in the end zone. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

/The Redskins’ line and a $4 haircut:/ 16 quarters aren’t enough to make
either look good. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)

/An overactive bladder and Justice Ginsburg doing the macarena:/ It’s
embarrassing when they can’t contain themselves at work. (David
Friedman, Arlington, Va.)

// /A Biden tattoo and a Style Invitational Loser magnet:/ You might be
willing to show your friends the tattoo. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)

/The 400-meter dash /is won by running madly, /a Loser magnet /by
punning badly. (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.)

/An overactive bladder and a Loser magnet:/ One results in frequent
thoughts of toilets; the other, /from/ them. (Kevin Dopart)

/An Elizabethan sonnet and a three-cupped bra:/
The more I see of Man, the more I feel
That Eve was never fashioned from his chest,
But vice versa, in this sort of deal:
God first made Woman with an extra breast
And knew that she was fair, but Eve said, “Nay!
My crowded bosom is a needless strain.”
God saw her point and threw one breast away,
Forgetting it until He came again.
Then Eve declared, “Each creature hath a mate
But me, and, Deity, I’m getting bored!”
So God replied, “You’re right; I shall create
A Man from you,” and Eve cried, “Thank You, Lord!”
Then God said: “He won’t be a work of art . . .
Let’s see, where did I put that extra part?”
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, May 18: our ScrabbleGrams
neologism contest. See *