Style Invitational Week 1111: When you riff upon a store — plus ‘joint
legislation’ results



(Bob Staake/for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers February 12 at 11:51 AM
Invitational Week 1111: When you riff upon a store — plus ‘joint
legislation’ results'>

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the results of our “joint
legislation” conte)

*A women’s bartending school: Lady Slings the Booze *(Chris Doyle)

*An Indian restaurant: Love Me Tandoor *(Chris Doyle)

*A mail-order fabric store: Some Day My Chintz Will Come* (Diane Wah)

*A Haight-Ashbury liposuction clinic: I Left My Lard in San Francisco
*(Rob Pivarnik)

This week’s contest was inspired by an apropos-of-nothing post by
26-time Loser Steve Langer in the Facebook group Style Invitational
Devotees: “I’m going to open a laser depilatory
salon to compete with the bikini wax business. It’ll be called “50 Ways
to Lase Your Love Hair.” Shortly afterward some of the Devotees offered
more examples of what would become *This Week’s Contest: Use a wordplay
on a song title as a name or slogan for a real or imagined business,* as
in the examples above. It shouldn’t be hard to think up a lot of entries
for this contest, so remember that there’s a 25-entry limit; as always,
you can list all your entries in a single e-mail as long as you have a
little space between lines so that the Empress’s head doesn’t fall
tiara-first onto her desk in frustration. Also remember that if your
entry is identical to more than one or two others, it won’t get your
name in the paper.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives, so appropriately for this week’s contest,
a musical prize: the Dr. Fart electronic key chain
— “Never Silent, Always
Deadly” — featuring a little plastic box with buttons bringing forth
“six hilarious fart sounds.” Donated by Loser Nan Reiner, who, while
carrying this useful personal-safety device, never once was threatened
by an ax-murderer.

*Other runners-up* win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
or
“Hardly Har-Har.”
First
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 23; results published
March 15 (online March 12). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest.
Include “Week 1111” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Danielle Nowlin; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Peter Shawhan.
Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
/on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style
Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. /

*The Style Conversational *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.

And the winners of the Style Invitational contest announced four weeks
ago . . .

GETTING THEIR ACTS TOGETHER: THE ‘JOINT LEGISLATION’ OF WEEK 1107:
For Week 1107, our biennial “joint legislation” contest, the Empress
fleshed out the usual pool of congressional freshmen with a list of
incumbent senators whose names hadn’t been used in previous contests.

Once again, numerous members of the Loser Community drove the Empress to
tiara-scratching distraction by submitting strings of names that
resembled some phrase only in the entrants’ deluded minds (I’m waiting
to hear next that they’re seeking the Republican nomination); for
example, “Ashford-Lawrence” was supposed to be read as “Ass for low
rents.” The “bills” below are much more valid as pronunciation goes, but
if you don’t get one, don’t get all huffy and call the Empress; just
click here for the same list accompanied by translations
at bit.ly/invite1111-key
. But do read them here first.

4th place:

The *Boyle-Dold-Rice* school lunch program (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney,
Md.)

3rd place:

The *Lieu-Dold-Ratcliffe* Resolution to express Congress’s opinion about
Bill Cosby (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.; David Clayton, Alexandria, Va.)

2nd place and the sculpture of seven smiling guys made out of little shells:

The*Cotton-Gardner-Graves* bill to create euphemisms for slave
cemeteries (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

The *Buck-Perdue* Act, levying a $1 fine for every deposit your dog
leaves on federal land (Dawn Kral, La Plata, Md.)

Retch across the aisle: honorable mentions

The *Mooney-Kaine-Beyer-Love* Act to note that some Beatles lyrics are
factually incorrect (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

The *Young-Mooney-Love* bill declaring that no, YOU hang up first
(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

The *Gardner-Young-Menendez-Graves* Act to increase security at military
cemeteries (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

The*Lieu-Peters *Declaration of National Cheerios and SpaghettiOs Day
(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

The *Buck-Fischer* Act to vote however you want me to vote (Rob Huffman,
Fredericksburg, Va.)

The *Beyer-Rubio-Newhouse* bill regulating compensatory payments from
NFL players to their abused spouses (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)

The *Knight-Mooney* Bedtime Demand Resolution (Charles Hummel, Falls
Church, Va., a First Offender)

The *Young-Boyle-Sasse* Act to mandate that young men start minding
their manners. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The *Hardy-Daines-Hill-Zinke-Cruz *Act to provide an ice cutter to ferry
folks from Copenhagen to the Finnish capital every January (Beverley Sharp)

The *Katco-Kaine* Feline Narcotics Act prohibiting catnip as a gateway
drug (George-Ann Rosenberg, Washington; Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

The*Baldwin-Young-Love* Resolution stating that follicle-challenged men
are natural chick magnets (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

The*Graves-Heitkamp-Sessions* bill to encourage the telling of ghost
stories around the fire (Steve Langer)

The *Buck-Tillis-Sasse-Hurd* bill to limit bronco riding at weekend
rodeos (David Adlerstein, Apalachicola, Fla.

The *Young-Guinta-Daines-Tillis-Knight *Resolution that we might as well
let the kids party all day long (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)

The *Young-Stefanik-Sessions *Act to end “whole language” reading
instruction in our nation’s schools (Chris Doyle)

The *Rice-Coons-Buck-Schatz* bill subsidizing Appalachian wedding
essentials. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

The *Blumenthal-Blum* bill prohibiting immigration officers from
shortening surnames (Michael Baker, Ellicott City, Md.)

The *Guinta-Beyer-Rounds-Tillis-Love* bill to provide dating tips for
pathetic men. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*Dold-Daines-Allen-Graves* Education Amendment requiring shorter
Shakespeare synopses (Mary Kappus, Washington, a First Offender)

The *Young-Barrasso* Act to excise spoonerisms from the Congressional
Record (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

The *Hurd-Daines-Knight* subsidy for those who have been working like a
dog (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.)

The*Rubio-Capito-Lieu* Memorandum about the proper design of the
University of Oklahoma logo
(Craig Dykstra,
Centreville, Va.)

**The *Walker-Trott-Buck-Wicker* bill to encourage pedestrians to step
livelier (Chaya Shuch, New York)

The *Peters-Nelson* bill to legalize one of the more controversial
wrestling holds (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

The *Hurd-Hardy-Knight-Love-Sessions* Act requiring better soundproofing
in motels (David Patch, Toledo, Ohio)

The *Coons-Russell-Watson Coleman* act mandating tighter lids on
campers’ food containers (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.; Brendan Beary,
two of several Losers to use the two-word name of Rep. Bonnie Watson
Coleman)

The *Fischer-Boyle-Dold-Cotton *resolution to investigate the Senate
cafeteria’s cod casserole (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

The *Schatz-Hurd-Rounds-Manchin *Act to investigate who killed Mr. Boddy
with the gun in the conservatory (Mark Raffman)

*Gardner-Hurd-Graves-Russell *bill to assist mentally ill cemetery
groundskeepers (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

The *Bennet-Booker-Kaine* Act to require Catholic schools to offer
reading “Pride and Prejudice” as an alternative to corporal punishment
(Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

The*Mooney-Knight-Graves-Walker-Rounds* Act establishing zombie
liberties (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The *Cotton-Nelson-Lieu* Act to ensure properly stocked restrooms (Bill
Gage, Nellysford, Va., a First Offender)

The *Comstock-Newhouse* Act to subsidize gifts for first-time home
buyers (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

The *Rouzer-Walker-Booker* Act to establish law-enforcement procedures
for handling intoxicated women (Frank Mann, Washington; John Ramos,
Duluth, Minn., a First Offender)

The *Hurd-Dingell-Katko-Trott* Act to fund Pavlovian conditioning
research on felines (Mark Raffman)

The *Torres-Dingell* Act to mandate safety zippers for men’s trousers
(Larry Rubin, Silver Spring, a First Offender)

The *McCain-McConnell-McSall-Mikulski* Resolution to celebrate the game
One of These Things Is Not Like the Other (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale)

*Still running — deadline Tuesday night: our contest for [someone’s
Mama] jokes. See bit.ly/invite1110 . *