Style Invitational Week 1108: Hearts of dorkness — your funny valentine

Plus the winners of our contest for three-letter abbreviations

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers January 22 feedback for 'Style Invitational Week 1108: Hearts of dorkness — your
funny valentine'>

*To my Costco cashier:*
*If you would be my one true guy*
*I’d stand in line for days and days.*
*Since without you I can’t buy*
*My 15-gallon mayonnaise.* (Andrew Hoenig, Week 645, 2006)

*From Poseidon to Medusa:
Oh, how I’d love to run my fingers through your snakes.* (Lloyd Duvall,
Week 544, 2004)

We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day in a Loserly way: by running a contest
that asks for you to write valentines in January, with results that run
a whole week after the holiday, like a forlorn box of chocolates on the
clearance rack at Rite-Aid.

SURGICAL IMPRECISION: No Valentine’s heart, but can we interest you in a
“call bladder”? This week’s second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)

Prompted by Loser Daphne Steinberg’s suggestion on the Style
Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, the
Empress discovered that the Invite had done three valentine contests —
but none since 2006. So this week we’ll combine elements from the
earlier ones for another go: *Write a humorous Valentine’s Day sentiment
to someone (or to some organization), either real or fictional — either
from you or from someone else you name,* as in the missives above. *Plus
an all-new option: We’ll also be willing to run at least one really
funny, clever, well-executed graphic* (make sure you don’t use
copyrighted art, and send it as an attachment to your e-mail).

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a colorful foam puzzle of the digestive
system, donated by registered nurse and registered Loser Marleen May.
Without even bothering to reach for a scalpel, you or your child can
yank out a human liver, rectum or even “call bladder.”

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
“Hardly Har-Har.”
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 2; results published Feb.
22 (online Feb. 19). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest.
Include “Week 1108” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at / /

*The Style Conversational: * The Empress’s weekly online column
discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to
enter, check it out at

In Week 1104, we asked you to compare or
contrast two or three things (or somehow link them, when we’re feeling
lenient) that have the same three-letter abbreviation, or are
three-letter words.

We did this contest last year with abbreviations
from AAA through DZZ; this time we have the EAAs-through-HZZs. Sometimes
the abbreviation is for a foreign spelling that we’re not going to spell
out because it is Eesti Olumpiakomitee.

4th place

*EAA:* The*Experimental Aircraft Association* is /not/ the official
carrier of the *European Actuarial Academy. *(Kristen Rahman, Silver
Spring, Md.)

3rd place

*GSA: *The*Geological Society of America *has experts on geysers. The
*Gerontological Society of America* has experts on geezers. (Chris
Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2nd place and the fossilized dinosaur poop:

*EPA: *Majority leader: “Senator, among the *Equal Pay Act,* the
*Environmental Protection Agency* and *English Pale Ale,* you may keep
only one.” Ted Cruz: “Cheers!” (Frank Mann, Washington)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*HDP:* The law firm *Harness, Dickey & Pierce* and *high-density
polyethylene:* “High-Density Polyethylene” would make a lousy title for
a porn flick. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

Barking up the wrong 3s: honorable mentions

*FAC:* Members of the *First Apostolic Church* are theists. Members of
the *Freethought Association of Canada* are eh-theists. (Chris Doyle)

*HDF: Hadfield Railway Station* and *high-density fiberboard: *Where can
I get the best ham sandwich on the British Railway and what does it
taste like? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*HPD: Histrionic personality disorder* and*highest posterior density:*
Both make these letters a great title for Kim Kardashian. (Chris Doyle;
Frank Osen)

*GMA: “Good Morning America”* and *“Good Morning Australia”:* The
difference between them is day and night. (Kristen Rahman)

*ENS: Empty-nest syndrome* and *empty-nose syndrome:* In both cases, the
little boogers are gone. (Chris Doyle)

*GGB: Greek government bond* and *Golden Gate Bridge: * If you would buy
one, then perhaps I could also interest you in buying the other. (Mark
Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*And also: * The Golden Gate keeps you /above/ water. (Kristen Rahman)

*EOK:* The *Estonian Olympic Committee* and the *Hellenic Basketball
Federation:*One is a bunch of guys in Tallinn, Estonia; the other is a
bunch of guys who are tall in Greece. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

*GFS:* The *Girls Friendly Society* and the *Global Financial System:
*You don’t want to crash the second one. (Mark Raffman)

*FCA: Financial collection agency* and *Funeral Consumers Alliance:* I
see debt, people. (Chris Doyle)

*FSA:* A *Fellow of the Society of Antiquaries* studies ancient relics —
like members of the *Florida Shuffleboard Association.* (Chris Doyle)

*EAU:* If you say *“eau,” *you’re in French; if you say *“European
Association of Urology,”* urine English. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*ETS:* The *Evangelical Theological Society* and the *Educational
Testing Service:* Both involve rooms of people beseeching God for the
Answer. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

*HSI: High-speed Internet *and *horizontal shaft impactor:* One is how
we find porn. The other is why. (Rob Huffman)

*EAT:* If you’re in the shrinking middle class, your *earnings after
taxes *might leave you barely able to do this. (Frank Mann)

*GNU:* The difference between*a * *wildebeest* and the*free software
collaboration group* is that the wildebeests make better dinner party
guests. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*GLB:* The differences between the *gay, lesbian and bisexual* community
and the *Girls’ Life Brigade* Christian youth organization are fewer
than you would think. (Todd DeLap)

*GMT: * With *geometric measure theory:* Here’s looking at Euclid. With
the *Giant Magellan Telescope:* Here’s looking at Uranus. (Chris Doyle)

*GAG*: A device to prevent speech and, ironically, a laugh-provoking
act: Both refer to how people see China’s attempt to ban puns. (Frank Osen)

*HRA: Health risk assessment *and *home runs allowed*: With both, the
more people you let score, the worse off you’ll be. (Jeff Shirley,
Richmond, Va.)

** *GAL: “Get a life”* and *a galileo,* a unit used measuring local
variations in the acceleration of gravity: For some reason, whenever I
start talking about the latter, I hear the former. (Kevin Dopart,
Washington; John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

*FCI: Federal correctional institution* and *French Culinary Institute.*
The first does not use Gruyère in the sauce mornay. (George-Ann
Rosenberg, Washington)

*HSA:* The *Haiku Society of America* and the *Homeland Security Act:*
Suspicious package?
Call us! We already know
Your number, neighbor.
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

*FWM: * *Four-wave mixing, *an intermodulation phenomenon in nonlinear
optics that will never be understood by . . . (*Frank William Mann,

*Still running — deadline Monday night: Our biennial “joint legislation”
contest in which you combine the names of members of Congress. See *