Style Invitational Week 1108: Hearts of dorkness — your funny valentine


Plus the winners of our contest for three-letter abbreviations



(Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers January 22 feedback for 'Style Invitational Week 1108: Hearts of dorkness — your
funny valentine'>

*To my Costco cashier:*
*If you would be my one true guy*
*I’d stand in line for days and days.*
*Since without you I can’t buy*
*My 15-gallon mayonnaise.* (Andrew Hoenig, Week 645, 2006)

*From Poseidon to Medusa:
Oh, how I’d love to run my fingers through your snakes.* (Lloyd Duvall,
Week 544, 2004)

We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day in a Loserly way: by running a contest
that asks for you to write valentines in January, with results that run
a whole week after the holiday, like a forlorn box of chocolates on the
clearance rack at Rite-Aid.


SURGICAL IMPRECISION: No Valentine’s heart, but can we interest you in a
“call bladder”? This week’s second prize. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)

Prompted by Loser Daphne Steinberg’s suggestion on the Style
Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, the
Empress discovered that the Invite had done three valentine contests —
but none since 2006. So this week we’ll combine elements from the
earlier ones for another go: *Write a humorous Valentine’s Day sentiment
to someone (or to some organization), either real or fictional — either
from you or from someone else you name,* as in the missives above. *Plus
an all-new option: We’ll also be willing to run at least one really
funny, clever, well-executed graphic* (make sure you don’t use
copyrighted art, and send it as an attachment to your e-mail).

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a colorful foam puzzle of the digestive
system, donated by registered nurse and registered Loser Marleen May.
Without even bothering to reach for a scalpel, you or your child can
yank out a human liver, rectum or even “call bladder.”

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake: either
“The Wit Hit the Fan”
or
“Hardly Har-Har.”
First
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 2; results published Feb.
22 (online Feb. 19). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest.
Include “Week 1108” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules
. The headline for this week’s results is by
Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Chris Doyle. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday. /

*The Style Conversational: * The Empress’s weekly online column
discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to
enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.

In Week 1104, we asked you to compare or
contrast two or three things (or somehow link them, when we’re feeling
lenient) that have the same three-letter abbreviation, or are
three-letter words.

We did this contest last year with abbreviations
from AAA through DZZ; this time we have the EAAs-through-HZZs. Sometimes
the abbreviation is for a foreign spelling that we’re not going to spell
out because it is Eesti Olumpiakomitee.

4th place

*EAA:* The*Experimental Aircraft Association* is /not/ the official
carrier of the *European Actuarial Academy. *(Kristen Rahman, Silver
Spring, Md.)

3rd place

*GSA: *The*Geological Society of America *has experts on geysers. The
*Gerontological Society of America* has experts on geezers. (Chris
Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2nd place and the fossilized dinosaur poop:

*EPA: *Majority leader: “Senator, among the *Equal Pay Act,* the
*Environmental Protection Agency* and *English Pale Ale,* you may keep
only one.” Ted Cruz: “Cheers!” (Frank Mann, Washington)

And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

*HDP:* The law firm *Harness, Dickey & Pierce* and *high-density
polyethylene:* “High-Density Polyethylene” would make a lousy title for
a porn flick. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

Barking up the wrong 3s: honorable mentions

*FAC:* Members of the *First Apostolic Church* are theists. Members of
the *Freethought Association of Canada* are eh-theists. (Chris Doyle)

*HDF: Hadfield Railway Station* and *high-density fiberboard: *Where can
I get the best ham sandwich on the British Railway and what does it
taste like? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*HPD: Histrionic personality disorder* and*highest posterior density:*
Both make these letters a great title for Kim Kardashian. (Chris Doyle;
Frank Osen)

*GMA: “Good Morning America”* and *“Good Morning Australia”:* The
difference between them is day and night. (Kristen Rahman)

*ENS: Empty-nest syndrome* and *empty-nose syndrome:* In both cases, the
little boogers are gone. (Chris Doyle)

*GGB: Greek government bond* and *Golden Gate Bridge: * If you would buy
one, then perhaps I could also interest you in buying the other. (Mark
Raffman, Reston, Va.)

*And also: * The Golden Gate keeps you /above/ water. (Kristen Rahman)

*EOK:* The *Estonian Olympic Committee* and the *Hellenic Basketball
Federation:*One is a bunch of guys in Tallinn, Estonia; the other is a
bunch of guys who are tall in Greece. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

*GFS:* The *Girls Friendly Society* and the *Global Financial System:
*You don’t want to crash the second one. (Mark Raffman)

*FCA: Financial collection agency* and *Funeral Consumers Alliance:* I
see debt, people. (Chris Doyle)

*FSA:* A *Fellow of the Society of Antiquaries* studies ancient relics —
like members of the *Florida Shuffleboard Association.* (Chris Doyle)

*EAU:* If you say *“eau,” *you’re in French; if you say *“European
Association of Urology,”* urine English. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*ETS:* The *Evangelical Theological Society* and the *Educational
Testing Service:* Both involve rooms of people beseeching God for the
Answer. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

*HSI: High-speed Internet *and *horizontal shaft impactor:* One is how
we find porn. The other is why. (Rob Huffman)

*EAT:* If you’re in the shrinking middle class, your *earnings after
taxes *might leave you barely able to do this. (Frank Mann)

*GNU:* The difference between*a * *wildebeest* and the*free software
collaboration group* is that the wildebeests make better dinner party
guests. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*GLB:* The differences between the *gay, lesbian and bisexual* community
and the *Girls’ Life Brigade* Christian youth organization are fewer
than you would think. (Todd DeLap)

*GMT: * With *geometric measure theory:* Here’s looking at Euclid. With
the *Giant Magellan Telescope:* Here’s looking at Uranus. (Chris Doyle)

*GAG*: A device to prevent speech and, ironically, a laugh-provoking
act: Both refer to how people see China’s attempt to ban puns. (Frank Osen)

*HRA: Health risk assessment *and *home runs allowed*: With both, the
more people you let score, the worse off you’ll be. (Jeff Shirley,
Richmond, Va.)

** *GAL: “Get a life”* and *a galileo,* a unit used measuring local
variations in the acceleration of gravity: For some reason, whenever I
start talking about the latter, I hear the former. (Kevin Dopart,
Washington; John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

*FCI: Federal correctional institution* and *French Culinary Institute.*
The first does not use Gruyère in the sauce mornay. (George-Ann
Rosenberg, Washington)

*HSA:* The *Haiku Society of America* and the *Homeland Security Act:*
Suspicious package?
Call us! We already know
Your number, neighbor.
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

*FWM: * *Four-wave mixing, *an intermodulation phenomenon in nonlinear
optics that will never be understood by . . . (*Frank William Mann,
*Washington)

*Still running — deadline Monday night: Our biennial “joint legislation”
contest in which you combine the names of members of Congress. See
bit.ly/invite1107. *