Style Invitational Week 1089: It’s E-Z Find-a-Word — your own! (But
our way.)

Plus the winning bad ideas for gift shop items

By Pat Myers September 11 at 3:04 PM
Invitational Week 1089: It’s E-Z Find-a-Word — your own! (But our way.)'>


(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s winning bad ideas for
souvenirs to be sold at particular gift shops.)

*L-7: CHATOX: A substance injected into the face to keep someone from
running at the mouth. *

*D-2: CRUDLET: A little nasty thing that your floss — or your vote — can
dislodge. *

**The Empress was positively chartreuse with envy a few months ago when
The Post gave lots of attention to the news that it was reinstating one
of its most popular Sunday magazine features: Second Glance,

a game in which readers try to figure out what’s different between two
almost identical photos. The E used to have great fun with a lower-tech
version of this game, and would eagerly await her monthly issue of
Highlights in the mail.

The Style Invitational can’t really do such a puzzle — for one thing,
our print version is now a wash of gray — so the Empress instead tried
to think of something else that might draw lots of eager puzzlers all
decked out in their thinking caps.

Okay, we were kidding: It’s not really a regular word find puzzle.
C’mon, now: It’s an /Invite /neologism contest. *This week: Create a
word or multi-word term that consists of adjacent letters — in any
direction or several directions — in the grid above, and provide a
humorous definition,* as in the examples shown. *You may also give an
especially clever definition for an existing term you find. *You might
want to use the word in a funny sentence. (If you’re having trouble
printing out the grid above, print it from here

*IMPORTANT: *Because the Empress would go batty otherwise, *you must
state the coordinates of the first letter of your term (e.g., C-12);*
the E can trace it from there. *Note that the word doesn’t have to
appear in a straight line;* you may snake your word around the grid as
in the game Boggle: Each letter only has to be adjacent to the previous
one; it can go forward, backward, up, down, at an angle, changing
direction repeatedly, as long as you don’t skip over letters or use the
same spot on the grid twice. If you don’t give me those coordinates, I’m
going to skip your word.

*Winner gets * the Inkin’ Memorial , the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a cheap little paperback book titled “The World’s Worst Jokes”:
“Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it felt crummy.” Yup. Donated by Chronic Loser Tom Witte. (We might be persuaded to also send you one of the prizes listed below.)

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate

or Puns of Steel.
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 22; results published
Oct. 12 (online Oct. 9). No more than 25 entries per entrant per
contest. Include “Week 1089” in your e-mail subject line or it might be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
. This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by
Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line
is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group
on Facebook at / ,/ and click
“like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /

*The Style Conversational: * The Empress’s weekly online column
discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to
enter, check it out at .
This week: Reflections on how the Invitational reacted after Sept. 11,
2011; plus some gift shop entries that flunked the taste test.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . CREEPSAKES: GIFT SHOP IDEAS FROM WEEK 1085: Inspired by reports of the new Ground Zero gift shop —whose inventory sports 9/11 kitsch ranging from cheese plates to toy rescue vehicles — we asked for humorously bad (or even humorously good) items for real or fictional gift shops.

Suggested by too many: NSA
souvenir package of your best phone conversations.

The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial

*At the Little Bighorn Battlefield gift shop:* Incredibly lifelike
toupees. (Mike Duffy, Butte, Mont.)

2nd place and the Titanic snow dome and tote bag:

*At the Detroit Vistors Center:* Buy a cap, snow globe and T-shirt, and
they’ll throw in a three-bedroom house on a quarter-acre. (Nancy
Schwalb, Washington)

3rd place

*At the Texas election board: *An “I Couldn’t Vote” sticker. (Randy
Arndt, Clarksville, Md.)

4th place

*At the Van Gogh Museum: *An earmuff. (Steven Steele Cawman, Poughquag,

Nixed knacks: honorable mentions

*At the NHL Hall of Fame gift shop: *The actual teeth of hockey’s
greatest players. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

*At the FedEx Field gift shop: * A jersey that says “Washington’s NFL
Team.” (Frank Mann, Washington)

*At the Caesars Palace gift shop:* Previously lost shirts. (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*At a Paris gift shop: *A guillotine-shaped cake cutter that says,
“Sorry, we have no bread.” (Thomas Young, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)

*At the National Enquirer gift shop:* Elvis. (Gary Crockett, Chevy
Chase, Md.)

*At the Redskins store:* A Joe Theismann bobble-leg doll. (Ward Kay,
Vienna, Va.)

*At the Richard Nixon Library:* A Nixon-head soccer ball. (Pam Sweeney,
Burlington, Mass.)

*At the Westboro Baptist Church gift shop:* Souvenir closet organizers.
(Nancy Schwalb)

*At Anthony Weiner’s new restaurant: *An “I’m With Stupid ↓” T-shirt.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

*At the Florida Welcome Center:* Chad globes. (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village, Md.)

*Vendors outside CIA headquarters:* Maps to the homes of the spies. (Art
Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

*From a gift shop for hajj pilgrims:* “My husband went to Mecca and all
I got was this stupid burqa.” (Jon Graft, Centreville, Va.)

*At the Museum of Constitutional Monarchy gift shop:* A Queen Elizabeth
II rubber stamp. (Jeff Contompasis)

*At Barnum’s American Museum gift shop:* Fresh all-day suckers —
restocked immediately! (Jeff Contompasis)

Branded-edition Viagra is now available for purchase at the *Toronto
Space Needle, Washington Monument *and *Eiffel Tower.* And for half the
price, you can buy a Mexican-made knockoff at the *Leaning Tower of
Pisa. *(Jacob Aldridge, Virginia, Australia)

*At the Texas governor’s mansion shop:* A three-in-one gift set – hair
gel, reading glasses and . . . um . . . (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)

To commemorate the 2011 earthquake,*Washington Monument *bobbleheads.
(John Duffy, Manassas, Va.)

*At the Capitol Visitor Center: *A mixed bag of Impedi-Mints,
Impeach-Mints and Indict-Mints, but no Accomplish-Mints. (Frank Osen)

— Congressional inaction figures — collect the whole set of 435. (Chris
Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

— A Capitol dome-shaped lemon squeezer. Twist left, twist right. Repeat
until you have a sour taste in your mouth. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

— Sausage.

(Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

*At the Museum of Russian History:* The Leon Tchotchke, a bobblehead
complete with removable ice pick. (Frank Osen)

*At a Mexico City gift shop: *Montezuma toilet paper. (Thomas Young)

*At the South Korean DMZ gift shop: *Your photo taken by a soldier.*At
the North Korean DMZ gift shop:* You taken by a soldier. (Mike Ostapiej,
Mount Pleasant, S.C.)

*At the only gift shop in Siberia:* A snow globe with just snow. No,
wait, I think I see a tiny little Edward Snowden figurine in there, too!
(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

*At the Peace Conference Building at Panmunjom: *Danceable pinheads
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)

*At the Adult Film Museum gift shop:* 10-inch all-day suckers. (Rob
Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

*The Empire State Building observation deck: *A bucketful of souvenir
pennies. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

*At the NRA gift shop: *A rifle-shaped rattle — baby will love it so
much, you won’t be able to pry it from his little hands! (Bradley
Jamison, South Riding, Va.)

*At the Graceland Gift Shop:* “Love Me Tender” condoms. (John Simson,
Silver Spring, Md.)

*At Ford’s Theatre:* An Abe Lincoln penny bank, with its little slot in
the back of the head. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

— A Lincoln shot glass. (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)

— The “Too Soon?” Lincoln Assassination Joke Book. (Art Grinath)

*At airport duty-free shops:* Custom-sized copies of your full-body
scan. (Limited editions of complete strangers also available). (Sylvia
Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)

** *Available in any Middle Eastern country:* A chess set with pieces
that don’t do what you think they will. Americans can’t resist playing
with those things. (Danielle Nowlin)

*Next week’s results: Playing the Dozens, * or *The Twelve of Clever,*
our neologism contest to change a 12-letter word or other term by adding
or deleting a letter, substituting a letter, or transposing two letters.

*Still running — deadline Monday night: Our Ask Backwards contest, in
which we give you 16 “answers” and you tell us the questions. See *