Style Invitational Week 1075: Falsity is Job One — write some fake
auto trivia

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post )
Pat Myers
June 5 at 2:56 PM

*In Florida, the use of directional signals is mandatory even when not

*On cars purchased in Massachusetts, however, turn signals are optional
equipment. Nevah use ’em — why pay for ’em?*

It’s high time that The Style Invitational furthered its mission to
unenlighten the reading public with a contest seeking totally bogus
trivia. This week, on the suggestion of 377-time Loser Jeff Contompasis
(rhymes with “quantum gases”): *Send us some fictoids about cars and
trucks and driving and stuff, * like the examples above, which Jeff
wrote for our Week 998 contest for fictitious laws.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives “Heads of State,”

by Carl Sferazza Anthony (back when he was a Washington Post researcher,
his latter two names were transposed). This nifty book depicts such
fabulous artifacts as a screaming-green Richard Nixon Head
a Herbert Hoover Head
pitcher (the head is lopped off at the top for easy access); and a
George W. Bush Head

jack-in-the-box, from which W pops out complete with lectern. We’d love
to offer a few of these heads ourselves, but our second-prize budget is
zero. So we thank Loser Pie Snelson for donating the book, at least.

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate

or Puns of Steel.
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 16; results published July
6 (online July 3). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest.
Include “Week 1075” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
. This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by
Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline in the “Next week’s results”
line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at / ,/ and
click “like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /

You can get a Nixon candle on eBay, but this week’s second-prize winner
gets a picture of one (but so much more!). ( / Bloomsbury Books, 2004)

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses
each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter,
check it out at

*REPORT FROM WEEK 1071: THREE ON A MATCH: In Week 1071, the Empress sent people to a
Web site containing a huge list of three-letter abbreviations, from AAA
to DZZ. Each of them links to a list of things that those three letters
stand for. The contest was to choose any two or three of those things
and compare or contrast them.


*ACE: Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals * and *American Coaster
Enthusiasts: *Both have folks willing to wait in long lines just so they
can raise their hands and shout, “Jesus!” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg,

2nd place and the genune alligator-foot back scratcher:

*CWB: Canadian Western Bank* and *counterproductive work behavior:*
“Well, you seem eminently qualified; this letter says that at your last
financial job you were devoted to CWB.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

3rd place

*AGA: American Gas Association, American Gastroenterological
Association* and *American Go Association: *Maybe those three groups
/don’t/ really overlap. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

4th place

*DRI: U.S. District Court for the District of Rhode Island* and the band
*Dirty Rotten Imbeciles.* People seldom refer to a band member as
“Judge.” (Frank Osen)


*AAA: Antiaircraft artillery; Morse code for aerial attacker;*and
*American Accordionists’ Association:* They all produce anguished
screaming. (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.)

*AAI: Airports Authority of India* and *Atheist Alliance International:*
You need to put your faith in the first; you can’t in the second.
(Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)

*ABA: Australian Breastfeeding Association* and *American Basketball
Association:* Neither seems to have a problem with dribbling, tantrums,
and people who suck. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Rob Huffman)

*ABC* stands for both *the TV network* and *the liquor license agency:*
How do /you/ explain “Cop Rock”? (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*ACA: Affordable Care Act*and *Atheist Community of Austin:* Both are
pretty much guaranteed to send a Texas Republican into apoplexy. (Roger

*AFT: American Folklore Theatre*and *Americans for Fair Taxation:* Both
are for people who like to talk about fairy tales. (Rob Huffman)

*AJA: American Journal of Archaeology*and the *American Jewish
Archives:* One could help in finding ancient coins, while the other
could help in finding ancient Cohens (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

*ASA: Acoustical Society of America*and *American Seniors Association:*

*ATL:*The anti-regulation lobby *Americans for Technology Leadership
*and the *Atlanta Braves: * Both are doing an excellent job of stymieing
Washington. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)

*AZA: Aleph Zadik Aleph,* a Jewish high school fraternity, and the
*Association of Zoos and Aquariums:* Both make teenage girls shriek,
“Ew, gross!” (Edward Gordon, Austin, a former AZA member)

*BCS: Bachelor of Computer Science *and *Bowl Championship Series: *The
first helps people make money by using logic; the second helps people
make money by rejecting it. (Kelly Ronayne, Alexandria, Va.)

*BFD: Binary File Descriptor Library* and *bidirectional forwarding
detection: * Two phrases the president hurriedly interjects whenever Joe
Biden starts to say, “You know, this is really a . . .” (Frank Osen)

*BRS: * *Brown recluse spider* and *Boston Red Sox:* Having either in
the cellar would make my life miserable. (Chris Doyle, Kihei, Hawaii)

*BSE: Bovine spongiform encephalopathy* is associated with crazed herds;
*Bachelor of Science in Engineering* is associated with crazed nerds.
(Jeff Contompasis, and yes, he’s an engineer)

*CAA:*You can find *Choral Association Australia* Down Under; the
*Canadian Avalanche Association* can find /you/ down under. (Danielle
Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)

*CAT: Clear Air Turbulence *and *Coital Alignment Technique:* Both are
covered in “The Mile High Club Guidebook.” (Chris Doyle)

*CCC: Civilian Conservation Corps* and *Union of Soviet Socialist
Republics* (Russian abbreviation): Of these two ways to try to build a
strong nation, the second failed because it had to stop for a P. (Doug
Frank, Crosby, Tex.)

*CCC: The Cetacean Conservation Center* encourages the release of sperm
whales, while the porn company *Color Climax Corp.* encourages the
release of . . . tension. (Niels Hoven, San Francisco)

*CCR: California Code of Regulations* and *Creedence Clearwater Revival:
*One required the other to notify concertgoers of the location of the
nearest bathroom. (Chris Doyle)

*CDA: Canadian Dinghy Association* promotes recreational use of your
dinghy; the *Communications Decency Act,* not so much. (Jim Lubell,
Portland, Ore.)

*CIT:*The *Cork Institute of Technology* sounds like the perfect place
to train colonic irrigation technicians. (Chris Doyle)

*CLA: The Canadian Library Association*is well read, while the
*Communist League of America* is, well, red. (Niels Hoven)

*CPU: Central Processing Unit* and *Communist Party of Ukraine: * One
carries out instructions from Input, the other from Putin. (Warren
Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

*CSM: Client/service manager* and *continuous shuffling machine: *
“Smithers, after five years at this firm, I guarantee you’ll be a
complete CSM.” (Frank Osen)

*CVS: Cardiovascular system*and *cyclic vomiting syndrome: *You don’t
mind standing in line at CVS with somebody picking up a prescription for
the cardiovascular system. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

*DAR: Designated Airworthiness Representative*and *Daughters of the
American Revolution: *The second is concerned with heir-worthiness
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*DOA: Department of Agriculture* and *dead on arrival:* The former may
involve farming, while the latter may involve planting. (Jeff
Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

*DSI: Deep Space Industries* and *Docking Score Index* would both be
good names for sci-fi porn flicks. (Steve Honley, Washington)

*DVM: Digital woltmeter*and *Doctor of Veterinary Medicine: *Take my
word for it — just let the second of these probe your dog’s rear end.
(Frank Osen)

*DWI: Driving While Impaired* and *Deathwish Inc.:* One has more words.
(Chris Doyle)

*Next week’s results: The Tile Invitational, *or *Between a Rack and a
Hard Place,* our contest in which we supplied a list of ScrabbleGrams
letter sets and asked you to coin new words from them. See .

*Still running — deadline Monday night: Our parody contest to describe
one musical with a song set to the tune of another. See *