Style Invitational Week 1061: Less taste, more fill-in: a partial
crossword. Plus sports fictoids.

By Pat Myers
Published: February 20

*38 Across: AIRPIGS: What you’ll see when the Redskins win the Super Bowl. *

*38 Across: AIRINGS: All you can blow with an e-cigarette. *

A couple of months ago, as we’ve done for several years now, we
published a filled-in crossword grid by ace constructor Bob Klahn and
asked you to supply your own novel clues for words in the puzzle. This
week the Empress again seeks novel clues — and novel words as well.

The grid pictured here is the solution to the crossword, also by Bob,
that was published online last October. Well, not quite like this, of
course: We’ve taken out a bunch of the letters so that you can *give us
a novel clue for any word or phrase in which the remaining letters fit,
across or down. The letters /don’t/ have to form a working crossword;
just think about individual across or down words. *You may use a real
word or phrase, or coin a new one. Please give the location of your word
(e.g., “14 Down”). The limit is, as usual, 25 entries. You can write
more than one entry for a given word; I don’t care. Your clue doesn’t
have to be as short as the ones for real crosswords, but they still
shouldn’t be more than eight or 10 words. Bob chose this crossword grid,
rather than the one we used most recently, because it had more long
words, which will allow for more variety in the entries. (See the
original words and answers at )

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives a wall-size “Spam Through the Years”
month after month of ads and paraphernalia about the famed canned
meatish product. While of course that’s a pretty Loserly prize in
itself, it also happens to be a calendar from 2003. BUT! It so happens,
notes prize donor Kevin Mellema, a 2003 calendar works like a charm in

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently
desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag.
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate

or Puns of Steel.
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /
/ or, if you were born in the 19th century,
fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 3; results published
March 23 (online March 20). No more than 25 entries per entrant per
week. Include “Week 1061” in your e-mail subject line or it might be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
. This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by
Dick Barnes; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line
is by Danielle Nowlin. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group
on Facebook at / ,/ and click
“like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at /

*Report from Week 1057, in which we asked for totally bogus sports trivia:

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

Rosie Ruiz’s
for winning the 1981 Marine Corps Marathon were dashed by Metro’s
weekend track maintenance on the Orange Line. /(Seth Tucker, Washington) /

*2.* *Winner of the Nose Aerobics Basketball
The game of pétanque gets its name from the sound of one of its hollow
metal balls striking the head of a Frenchman. /(Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.) /

*3.* After their tragic experience with Lou Gehrig, the New York Yankees
passed on a chance to sign Brian Alzheimer. /(Larry McClemons,
Annandale, Va., a First Offender)/

*4.* Synchronized swimmers are typically fitted with plastic mouth
inserts to ensure that their smiles precisely match. /(Robert Schechter,
Dix Hills, N.Y.)/

*Struck out swinging: honorable mentions*

Jim Thorpe excelled at just about every sport he ever attempted, except
horseback riding and archery. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.) /

Manure collected from stalls at Churchill Downs has been proven to
increase lawn growth by 153 percent vs. regular horse poo. /(Dave
Komornik, Danville, Va.)/

Early in their history, the Yankees were frequent losers to their
archrivals, the Yankers. /(Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.)/

Hockey was named for the primitive phlegm-based ice-resurfacing methods
used before the invention of the Zamboni. /(Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)/

After complaints about the water from local taps, Sochi Olympics
organizers ordered a shipment of bottled water from West Virginia.
/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /

Richard Petty drove the entire 1973 Daytona 500 with his left turn
signal on. /(Eric Bennett, Stephens City, Va.) /

In a study of 67 athletes who said they gave 110 percent, it was found
that they actually gave an average of only 93.2 percent. /(Art Grinath,
Takoma Park, Md.) /

The last man on a four-man bobsled team is called by a German phrase
that means “Hey, guys, wait up!” /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/

In the Super Bowl, the end zone touchdown celebrations are pre-recorded.
/(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) /

Before a single design was standardized in 1953, NFL referees could
choose from a variety of animal prints. /(Craig Ruth, Walkersville, Md.,
a First Offender)/

Under the WWE rules, a wrestler can be fined up to $10,000 for
sportsmanlike conduct./(Seth Tucker)/

Center Kim Jong Un is averaging 40 points per game for the Pyongyang
Tigers. /(Jack Goldberg, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender) /

After the 1938 Race of the Century, stable grooms at Pimlico made a tidy
profit selling souvenir “Sea Biscuits.” /(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station,
Va.) /

At Stanford, cornerback Richard Sherman was suspended for taunting his
lab partner: “I’m the only particle physicist at this table! Eat my
muons, punk!”/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /

Yogi Berra said everything he said except “I didn’t say everything I
said.”/(Ned Andrews, Damascus, Md.) /

NBA Hall of Famer Bill Sharman went on to a lucrative career marketing
toilet paper. /(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) /

Skeet shooting originated in Holland when musketeers practiced their aim
on passing ice skaters (/skjuiters/ in Dutch). /(Dudley Thompson, Cary,

McKayla Maroney’s mother regretted never warning her that her face might
stick that way
/(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) /

While Dan Snyder refuses to change the name of his football team, he is
considering renaming FedEx Field “the Napoleon Complex.”/(Harry Megaw,
Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)/

“Sochi” is Russian for “Hello, sailor.” /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/

Eight current minor-league baseball mascots are in the Witness
Protection Program. /(Fred Dawson, Beltsville, Md.) /

Heath Shuler is the only professional to have been way out of his league
on two teams in the Nation’s Capital
. /(Kevin Dopart,
Washington) /

ESPN has launched a campaign to establish developmental peewee poker
leagues in communities across America. /(Mike Harbert, Leesburg, Va.)/

Betsy Ross created the first jockstrap using one of her old
bras./(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)/

“Arnold Schwarzenegger” is German for “massive trunk, tiny acorns.”/(Tom
Witte) /

Ice fishing was a Winter Olympic sport until 1956, when all of the
medal-winners tested positive for performance-detracting
substances./(Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) /

Jim Brown of the Cleveland Browns set the record for rushing by a player
with the same name as his team, breaking the one held by Edward
Fortyniners. /(Steve McClemons) /

Basketball was originally played with peach baskets in a barn, but the
most radical change was when someone decided to nail the baskets to
poles instead of placing them on the ground. /(Roger Dalrymple,
Gettysburg, Pa.) /

In a nod to game-day reality, the official name for the NFL’s holding
penalty is being changed to Failure to Get Away With Holding. /(William
Joyner, Chapel Hill, N.C.) /

A team of kinesiologists has determined conclusively that Bo doesn’t
know rhythmic gymnastics. /(Kevin Jamison, Gaithersburg, Md.)/

The /real/ reason the Redskins will never change their team name is a
secret merchandising deal with Nike, evidenced by the Swoosh on the
Indian’s cheekbone
the logo. /(Mike Harbert) /

Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s first name is pronounced “Marsha.” /(Todd
DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)/

The Utah NBA team name is not supposed to be “the Jazz,” but the “Utah
Jazz”—a colloquialism for the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
/(Danielle Nowlin)/

Kids who play soccer in leagues where they don’t keep score grow up to
be commies. No, actually, this one is true. /(Tom Witte)/

*Still running — deadline Monday night: our Bob Staake cartoon caption
contest. See *

/See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational
(published late
Thursday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when
the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here
or write to the Empress at (note that in the
subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook,
join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees
and chime in there. /

*Next week’s results: Eastwood Ho! * or *Three-Zing Circus, * a contest
for jokes in the form of “Good/bad/ugly.” See

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