Style Invitational Week 1051: Love the tiny tail stain — an anagram
contest; plus bank heads


By Pat Myers
,
Published: December 12

*“I, George Walker Bush, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully
execute the office of President of the United States and will, to the
best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of
the United States.” . . . *

*Anagrams to: * *
* *“We, Karl Rove and G.W. Bush, do solemnly swear that we’ll faithfully
disinfect this here tainted office of President and, to the best of our
ability, update the effete Constitution to help us to get elected next
time. Yes, sir.” * /(Chris Doyle, Week 554) /

For those not yet into the mind-set, today’s headline is an anagram of
The Style Invitational, and just as it did in 2004, it introduces an
anagram contest. Even back then, anagram-generating software was readily
available online, but while it would (and still will) give you a list of
useful words, it doesn’t supply the gobs of creativity and cleverness
needed to get ink in this contest, not to mention acing it the way
Incredible Loser Chris Doyle did in the 178-character entry above.

Good thing the Empress still has all those gobs to turn to: *This week:
Create an anagram — a text with the letters rearranged — of any text
(except merely someone’s name), of any length, referring to something or
someone in the news.* You must use every letter in your original exactly
once; in other words, think of your text as a pile of Scrabble tiles;
then rearrange /all/ those tiles, while adding no others. (You may add
any punctuation or capitalization you like.) In fact, for passages of
just a few words, you can do just fine with your Scrabble set. But it’s
also fine to use such free programs as Anagram Artist
by one-time
Loser Mike Keith or, for lines of no more than 30 characters, Anagram
Genius. And before you send in
your entry, I highly recommend you use Anagrammy.com’s easy Anagram
Checker, which will tell you if
you’ve left out a letter or added a stray one.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial
,
the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational
trophy. Second place receives, commensurate with the effort required for
this contest, a leather coin sack
— er,
sac — made from the scrotum of a kangaroo. Donated to us by Style
Invitational Devotee Chris Hansen, who brought it back from Australia.
(We gave one of these out before, but it seems that a pair would be
fitting.)

*Other runners-up *win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug

or the ardently desired Grossery Bag,

possibly the new model shown today. Honorable mentions get a
lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate

or Puns of Steel.
First
Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink

for their first ink). E-mail entries to /losers@washpost.com
/ or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Dec. 23; results published Jan. 12 (online Jan. 9). No more than
25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1051” in your e-mail
subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name,
postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The subhead
for this week’s honorable mentions is by William Kennard; the
alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is by Jeff
Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group — new
members get their names anagrammed as a welcome — on Facebook at
/on.fb.me/invdev ,/ and click “like” on Style
Invitational Ink of the Day at /bit.ly/inkofday. /

*It’s Grossery Bag 2.0*

Pictured above is a mockup of the latest Style Invitational Grossery
Bag, one of two Loser prizes for future third- and fourth-place
finishers; the slogan is by Hall of Fame Loser Tom Witte, the design for
the logo spoof by Bob Staake. We’re just about out of Bag 1.0, “Almost
Valuable Player,” Melissa Balmain’s winning entry in 2011 for the
bag-slogan contest; Tom’s idea was a runner-up. As opposed to the
current cheapo “non-woven polyester,” this bag will be a nice Whole
Foodsy cotton.

*Report from Week 1047, our perennial “Bank Shots” contest, in which we asked you to find an
actual headline, then write a “bank head” that reinterprets the headline
or comments wryly on it.

This year, however, we opened it up to
headlines in any publication, not just The Post; we got heads from
everything from the Times of London to the Deming (N.M.) Headlight.

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
*

/Actual headline: / *Parent pressures gay son to change*
/Bank head: /‘What nice young man would look twice at you in that ratty
old sweatshirt?’ mother wonders /(Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)/

*2.* /Winner of the old copy of Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s 1830 novel “Paul
Clifford,” whose opening line is “It was a dark and stormy night”:/ //
*Metro to stay open late for Redskins*
Honkies, coloreds file discrimination complaint/(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)/

*3.* *Accepting a medal for the movement*
New potty-training ceremony takes self-esteem trend too far, some say
/(Michael Jacobs, Columbia, Md.) /

*4. * *Typhoon survivors await aid in Philippines — in pictures*
Disaster victims to receive photos of food and medicine /(Brian Allgar,
Paris)/

*Outer banks: honorable mentions*

*Arkansas offers tourists a much-needed escape*
Thousands accept, flee back to home states /(Frank Osen, Pasadena,
Calif.) /

*Bulger begins serving life term*
Sentence for wearing too-tight pants is called too severe /(Roy Ashley,
Washington)/

*Boys face more danger than girls in womb*
Unless womb is in China or India /(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)/

*Good health, good luck . . . and a lot of horrible losses *
‘At least we have 1 out of 3,’ Washington fans console themselves
/(Steve Honley, Washington) /

*Katrina. Hitler. Enough.*
Kanye, Kim reveal other baby names on their shortlist /(Brendan Beary,
Great Mills, Md.)/

*About 1 million expected to leave Washington area for Thanksgiving
*Exactly 535 won’t be welcomed back /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) /

*John Boehner must act on immigration now*
But can he find a country that will receive him? /(Brad Alexander,
Wanneroo, Australia)/

*FCC will consider allowing cellphone calls on planes*
FAA will consider new Dulles departure route right over FCC building
/(Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.) /

*Obama health fix creates confusion *
President’s physicians have second thoughts on treating his head cold
with heroin /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/

*‘We just . . . had the best time’ *
Male, female Marine Corps Marathon champs modestly explain why they won
/(Mae Scanlan, Washington) /

*Man charged with 4 armed robberies*
Fugitive Hindu deity accused of holding up liquor stores /(Elden
Carnahan, Laurel, Md.; Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.)/

*How does a Secret Service bullet get left behind? *
‘I don’t know; I was aiming for his /right /buttock,’ agent says /(Roy
Ashley)/

*Media focus on speed has a price: accuracy *
Bank Head Goes Here /(Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)/

*A senator’s lonely quest to embarrass Congress *
Step 1: Explain concept of embarrassment /(Gary Crockett)/

*Russia pursues performance artist who nailed himself to Red Square in
protest*
Man ‘amazingly elusive’ for someone fastened to ground /(Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.) /

*Yellen is poised to win GOP support *
McConnell also favors screamin’, holdin’ of breath; Boehner opts for
cryin’ /(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/

*Ted Turner wants to go to heaven *
Clarifies: ‘No rush’ /(Madeleine Begun Kane, New York)/

*A big paycheck matters less than you think *
Publishers Clearing House to end signature photo-ops /(Pam Sweeney,
Burlington, Mass.) /

*Bank jobs fall out of favor*
Jewelry stores are easier targets, robbers say /(Chris Doyle, Ponder,
Tex.) /

*Appeals court rules in favor of Johns Hopkins *
Opinion: Public will ‘just have to deal with the S’ /(Elden Carnahan;
John Shea, Philadelphia) /

*Saxons topple Bruins*
Atholstaf, Ethelred killeth manye bear /(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park,
Md.) /

*Three American men put romance at the heart of it
*Three out of 140 million sounds about right, U.S. ladies say/(Brendan
Beary) /

*Tiny things hurt the Hoyas*
Low machismo affects players’ morale; coach bans photographers from
locker room /(Michael Greene; Brendan Beary; Jeff Shirley, Richmond) /

*House panel questions flier screens*
Senate should not design airplanes, committee concludes after disastrous
pressure drop /(Barbara Turner) /

*Next-generation tablets*
Placebos accidentally enter birth control pills’ supply chain /(Brendan
Beary) /

*Carolina hangs on to win in a controversial finish*
Civil War reenactment at Ft. Sumter goes badly awry /(Steve Honley)/

*D.C. mayor weds same-sex couple at city hall *
Threesome heads off to honeymoon in undisclosed location/(Nan Reiner,
Alexandria, Va.) /

*Health law fracas leaves Congress in limbo*
Lawmakers bend over backward to see how low they can go /(Mark Raffman) /

*Athletes can be bullies long after middle school*
Long-term career opportunities available for young teens/(Bruce Alter,
Fairfax Station, Va.) /

*Federal agency says it will consider pinto abalone for endangered
species listing *
Rare snail explodes when bumped from behind /(Mike Gips)/

*Incognito attempts to recoup lost pay
*‘We can’t write you checks if you won’t tell us your names,’ say
exasperated employers/(Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.) /

*How does all this work? *
Pilot’s question prompts copilot to abort takeoff /(Dave Prevar,
Annapolis, Md.)/

*Great Odin’s raven! That’s a lot of red ink, Newseum! *
Random word generator super fun for writing headlines, WaPo staffers say
/(Danielle Nowlin)/

/And last: / *It’s time to raise D.C.’s minimum wage*
SI Losers demand two magnets for honorable mentions /(Roy Ashley) /

*Still running — deadline Monday night: your chance to enter any of the
previous year’s contests. See bit.ly/invite1050. *

/See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational
(published late
Thursday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when
the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here
or write to the Empress at
losers@washpost.com (note that in the
subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook,
join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees
and chime in there. /

*Next week’s results: Ask Backwards, * or *Carnac Knowledge, * our
perennial contest in which we supply a list of answers and you supply
the questions, a la Johnny Carson’s Carnac the Magnificent. See
bit.ly/invite1048 .

© The Washington Post Company